The best place to start is always at the beginning. Also, the best place to start is here, as humans. Regular, normal, everyday people, just like us, running around the Earth in search of whatever this journey has in store for us. Then again, when it comes to the ideas of change pr personal growth, the best place for anyone to start is back to their early understandings or to their birthplace of where we began. This goes back to us at birth, at youth and in the social grounds of interaction.
Before we start moving on this journey, it is important to understand that not all things equal the same outcome. Not everyone experiences the same things. In fact, two people can see the exact same thing and interpret the information in two, completely separate ways. However, in an effort to begin here and form a transformational understanding, then it is helpful to start where it all began.
First –
I think it is important to ask a few questions:
Why do we argue?
Where does the need to be right come from?
Why is this so important to so many people?
And, if deep down, we know that we’re right, then the question remains – why do we still argue?
Is this part of the maps in our personal thinking?
Is this a result of fear?
Does this come from our personal background and as a result of our trained biases and assumptions, we respond to an old lesson that was taught or showed to us, long ago, in our youth that is far, far away?
Why do we freak-out?
Is this connected to memories of shame or unresolved problems or the unsettled tensions that come from the records of our past?
All of these are valid questions.
Another valid question is if we would rather be happy, then how come so many people are comfortable in their misery? Is this a choice?
Or, is this a process which, transformationally, we can change and improve from?
This is not a passage for the so-called “constitutionally incapable” and yes, I quote this because in my history, “constitutionally incapable” meant someone who could not recover from a life that they lived; hence, for them, this meant change was impossible.
When people who live with depression scream in their silence and wish they could be anyone else, do we question why someone like this doesn’t do what they need to do to change?
Do we wonder why they quit before they even try?
Do we tell them about their potential and how they don’t even give themselves a chance?
Is it safe to say that if we change our behavior, then we can change our thinking? If we can change our thinking, then we can change our feelings. Hence, we can change our personal chemistry which will leads us to the change of our chemical and emotional make up as well.
Still, rather than overcomplicate or re-engineer the obvious or wonder about the list of questions above, where does something like this begin?
The answer is within.
Is it safe to say that life is only chemical?
Or, is it safer to say that while our personal chemistry is vital; how about our relationship with our situational surroundings?
I’d like to introduce you to the school cafeteria.
Do you remember this place?
Now, I am not claiming this to be my first time writing or expressing this analogy; however, in fairness to the birth of our freak-outs and insecurities, and in honor of the subjects that we are about to address; as a social experiment, I will take us back to the cafeterias at school.
Before moving onward, it is only fair to acknowledge that my school looked differently from yours. It is important to note that the culture in my school was limited to my neighborhood. However, I would like to offer a view of a school’s cafeteria at the age when students were free to sit at any table they chose. Hence, enter the pools of interpersonal selection.
Let’s call this middle school. Let’s call this high school. Let’s think about the different social chapters and the different groups of people.
Let’s think about the social vulnerabilities and the natural fears of what it meant to be picked on or rejected. Let’s think about the birth of cool and the different ranks of our social experiment.
Going a step further, let’s think about the people in the lunchroom and where they sit, which is always where they sit, every day, and who do they sit with?
Most often, the answer is the same.
So, is it safe to say that the athletes sit with the athletes? Is it safe to say that cultures tend to flock together and that even in our diversity, we tend to choose our flock or the pack which suits us best and to fit comfortably, do we tend to stick with people who we are comfortable with?
So . . .
In my experience, I remember stepping through the double-doors of a large cafeteria. There was a sea of people, which I admit that this was intimidating for me.
I can remember where the so-called cool people sat. I remember the popular tables. I remember the right side of the cafeteria and who sat there.
Keep in mind, I was small. I was new. I was young and my understanding of social comparisons was a challenge. I remember the left side of the cafeteria, I remember the people at these tables, who were somewhat opposed to the right side; whereas one side was the so-called good kids and the athletes, the pretty and the socially acceptable, the other side, however, or the left side, these were the rebels and the troublemakers.
Both sides had status. Both sides consisted of well-known people and popular names. However, the middle of the cafeteria was somewhat unknown or perhaps unpopular. In the middle was a sea of faces who quite possibly were the unknown or the faceless ones. These are the ones who you will approach at a 20-year reunion and you’ll smile with that awkward smile as they introduce themselves to you because you have absolutely no memory of who they are.
So –
Let’s look at this social dissection of the ranks. Let’s look at the individual comfortability of the groups and where people fit in.
Now, of course, there are three people in this equation. There are people who want to fit and people who don’t fit and, of course, there are those in this equation who sit comfortably and pay no attention to the separations of social equality.
Enter another question here:
Are we born equal?
Well, in short, the answer is no.
Are we born the same?
Once more, the answer is no.
If this were so and if we were all truly equal, there would be no separation of the classes or there would be no honor roll nor would there be a starting line-up for the basketball team or first string on the football team because if we were all born equal, then we would all have the same talents and the same best qualities.
But we don’t.
Safe to say that we are all born as unique individuals. Safe to say that we all have our unique talents and personal versions of life. We all come from different backgrounds and different households and we all come from different relationships, cultures and experiences.
My introduction to emotional shame and to experience is limited to me; however, I do understand what it was like to be laughed at. I understand what it was like to be picked on or bullied and certainly, I understand what it was like to be humiliated in front of a crowd.
I say that the schoolyards are the breeding grounds of our future self. This is where our socialization comes into note and this is what plays a key role to the success of our future socialization.
Our memories of early interactions and the lessons we learn in the playgrounds and in the hallways at school, while more social than reading, writing, or math and science; these lessons shape the way we interact with each other.
As we go on from here, we are going to learn how to map and trace our thinking back to our early understandings. We will do this so that, essentially, we can understand more of our thinking as well as our reactionary behaviors.
Also, this allows us a view into our selection when it comes to our relationships. This can help teach us why we shy away from certain conversations and why we engage in others.
And, certainly, while my experience is limited to me; there is a relatable nature to us all. We’re all human. We all respond to stimuli. We all have an understanding of loss (at least for the most part) and we all understand the meaning of rejection or the fears thereof.
These early introductions teach us about our social efficiencies and, as well, this is where our fears might come from. In this case, this can be where social anxiety stems from. Also, and situationally, this can be where we come to the depressive ideation that suggests something about us is “unlike” the others. Or more so, and even more uncomfortable, this can be where we trace our relationship with this type of thinking which can lead us to believe that our personal uniqueness might lead us to be unacceptable or worse, unlikable.
So, what would life be like in the absence of insecurity?
Better yet, if we could push a button and fear would simply evaporate, or if we could push button and the internal math would stop calculating and the brain could rest, as if to say “Ah, that’s better,’ and if we could think clearly without the emotional distractions of comparison or the harshness of internal judgment, what would it look like to have a life like this?
So –
Where does this begin? Who does this start with?
How does this work?
Are these trained biases and assumptions that we’ve been taught changeable?
Can we truly change our behavior to change our thinking and hence, would this help us to change our feelings and emotions?
Or, will our personal defect always be our default settings?
If improvement and transformation is always possible in spite of the so-called constitutionally incapable; then what has to happen in order for this to take place?
All of which are both valid and important questions.
That’s what this journal is all about. Hence, this is my intention, which is to A) recognize the bouts of emotional thinking and change and to understand where the birthplace of our thinking comes from and to address B) how do we change our undesirable traits to become not only more comfortable, but happy in our own skin? And ultimately, my plan here is to dissect how we take the necessary steps to reach our personal best and better yet, or most importantly: How do we exceed beyond our best possible potential?
The Written Addiction 