It is true that our past has led us up to where we are now. It is also true that our past has been defined as what we knew. Our history has certainly played a role in shaping the way we think and the way we see things.
This can certainly set up our values and has made its contributions to our judgments and biases.
We’ve all come to our own conclusions about the future before. We’ve also prepared for the unknown by reaching back to what we knew.
It is safe to say that with most people, we’ve all gone through bouts of pain and sadness. We’ve all experienced loss. By now, we’ve all had our feelings hurt and we’ve all been disappointed, more than once. Even so, or even while in the moments of glimmering hope, everyone has experienced a letdown or a betrayal of either fate or a transaction in their life.
The question arises, have we allowed this to detail our future?
Have we lived our life in accordance with the past?
We have all experienced the different phases of growing pains. We’ve all had our ups and downs, and, sometimes, the downs seem a lot longer than the ups (that’s for sure). While we move through the battle of our learning curves, the question is have we allowed our past to shape our future?
Have we allowed the bias of old pains to prevent us from trusting the next step? Are we too worried that we might lose our footing again and fall or break our hearts?
I can see why this might be a problem. I can see where this has interfered with my life because, in many regards, I have allowed my past beliefs to shade the ability of my future.
By now, everyone understands that living in the past will only allow you to notice what was behind us. That’s where the past lives. Behind us. . .
Living in this will only allow us a view of our past results and this damages our ability to notice the new presence of a new opportunity.
Not to mention, this degrades our ability to see the promise of a new belief system and/or the ability to navigate away from an old or undesired life.
I say this openly and cautiously because if trauma is part of our past, or when pain is involved and heartache is incurred, or when we have ideas which cause us to emotionally flinch out of expectation from an impending doom, or if we are too afraid to smile or enjoy the moment because joy seems only temporary, the culprit here is our thinking. Therefore, betrayal is literally internal before it is anything else.
I plan to make this journal entry a little different. I am about to offer my own story. This is not to be compared to by anyone else nor is this anything other than a simple qualification.
I am certain that while I am unique, I am certainly not alone and there are relatable instances and data from my past which is not only relatable but understandable as well.
In my search for sanity, it became clear that it was my thinking that was pushing me in the other direction. It became clear that my bouts with anticipation and anxiety became overwhelming. Going forward, it was my unfavorable predictions that unraveled the different scenarios in my head.
I had to see this for myself. I had to recognize this for me to see this clearly. As a result, I came to an understanding that this was not only counter-productive, but this was self-destructive as well.
I offer this as a detail to help draw a map which took me into the depths of my own insanity.
I can see where I stepped on my own toes.
I can see where I caused my trips and falls because I can see where my unhappiness triggered me to revolt against the life around me.
Or, better put, I knew that in the case of Me vs the saying, “You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be,” that in fact, I wanted to be someplace different.
I wanted to be someone different. In fact, I wanted to be with someone different too.
I knew that in fairness to the truth and in full disclosure, my responses were shaded by the gloom of my perception. I was unhappy. I was unfulfilled and found myself in unrewarding places.
I was uncomfortable in my skin. I was awkward, or so it seemed.
I didn’t want to be where I was anymore. Nor did I want to be who I was – so, I revolted.
I acted out.
Or maybe I imploded and melted down.
Maybe at the moments of when I was most unhappy or uncomfortable, I reacted in a way which systematically and subconsciously painted me into a corner to self-destruct because I had no idea how to get out in any other way.
I can see why I revolted against my former life.
I can see why my lack of comfort caused me to react either preemptively or I can see how I reacted in ways that were not typical of my personal best.
So, in answer to the question as to why we freak out, I offer this as my content and qualify by expressing my reasons for either freaking out or melting down.
My mind and body revolted against the life that I outgrew. Because I couldn’t fit in the same shoes anymore and although I tried to force myself to fit, the enclosures of an unfit life can be more than just claustrophobic. They can be paralyzing and painful.
And me?
I’m tired of the ideas of being claustrophobic. I’m tired of thinking about pain or allowing myself to be paralyzed by fear. Besides, I knew this life all too well.
When I discuss my past or when I discuss my previous outlook of what I believed the future would look like, I have to realize that my belief system was based on inaccurate data. I had to come to the understanding that my old data stemmed from past events. As a person who believed that what “was” would “always be”, I never believed that I could “get away” from this or be anyone better.
I never believed that anything about me would be promising or beneficial. I say this because, in fairness to myself, I understand that I believed too deeply in my past. Also, I say this because I never thought to invest in the benefits of my future. Hence, this is why my history repeated itself.
I spent countless hours investing in bouts with rejection or trying to fix the irreparable things that were not deserving of my attention.
I invested in places I knew were not fit for me yet I invested in them as if their rejection of me – or should I say my perception of their so-called rejection, was equal to my worth or lack of value.
I spent so much time investing in my losses that I forgot to remember the future. Now, I share this and with the hopes to add color, I share this to offer a scope which allows for a humanizing aspect that yes, our thinking can lead us astray. I know mine did.
Yes, if we look in the past and drive around with our eyes in the rearview mirror, we tend to miss the big picture which is obvious and right here in front of our faces.
My fear was my biggest motivator. Also, my fear was my biggest navigator which, of course, is what steered me in either unfavorable directions or, like a captain lost at sea, I searched for any port in the storm.
As another example, I am a person who has worked in an industry for more than 25 years. I can remember when I started in this business. I was a newly initiated union member, a blue-collar worker, which I am still proud to be.
However, in my need to find a place to “fit” and in my need to find work, I took a job with the idea that I’d do this until I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life.
I can say that I have heard this from other people.
I’ve heard this from other workers who joined an industry and who said the exact same thing,
“I’ll just do this for now until I figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life.”
I spoke with a man who said this nearly 40 years ago.
I asked him, “How’s that working out for you?”
He smiled and answered, “I’m still trying to figure it out.”
He laughed, yet he wasn’t kidding.
I don’t want that for myself.
(Do you?)
This man and I had several things in common. We had our similarities and we certainly understood each other. Like me, this man made his knee-jerk reactions and childish decisions. He “shot himself in the foot,” so-to-speak, more times than once.
For the record, so have I.
But . . .
There is a flood of opportunities that always happen around us. Yet, there is a blindness to the future due to an overshadow of our past belief system. This comes from challenges in our thinking. Whether this is due to a relationship with trauma or if this is a result of a cognitive distortion or a thinking error, our thinking becomes the culprit once more.
Also –
I want to stop here and offer the opportunity not to compare; but rather, I want to offer a moment to understand how our thinking can get in the way of our best possible future.
While my symptoms are unique to me, the relatable aspect is intended to outline that our thinking can be far more disloyal than anyone else in our life.
I say this because for most of my life, I have given in to different intimidations. I have submitted myself to a harsh, internal judgment. I have allowed old programs and old data to corrupt my hardwired thinking and assumptions. Therefore, it took me decades to reach this point.
Sometimes –
It’s like I’m an old tree, losing its leaves among the young sprouts around me who, of course, are alive and filled with youth. Yet in the presence of age, we realize how the young have yet to live and us, as in you and I, we are the ones who have been aged or weathered at times, or we, who notice our imperfections in the reflection, if we look closely enough, we can also recognize that we have done more than just withstand or stood, steadfast and unwavering.
We have managed to come this far regardless of our unwanted history – and somehow, we have done more than stood the test of time.
We have lived and seen and tasted life.
Not everyone flies around the world and perhaps, my views are limited in comparison to someone who flew to the Orient or to Abu Dhabi.
No, I’ve not seen these types of things.
Instead, my views and the photographs in my head might only extend from a rooftop somewhere on 54th Street where you could look downtown, and to where there used to be these two tall buildings in the New York City skyline. They were twins, in fact. They were The Twin Towers.
I might not be the salt of the Earth; however, I know that I have my own flavor and my own seasonings. I know that while I spent too much time trying to repair the damaged edges of my life, I never noticed what would happen if I lived in the moment.
I never took a second to apply this data and commit myself towards building a new future.
It has, therefore, taken me decades to understand that, at last, I deserve my dreams.
I deserve the hopes and the desires in my heart. I came to a decision that while I have no shame in being a working man; I want more than “just this.”
I want more than what I had; but more than this, the last thing I want is to face my retirement like my friend and still be lost about what I want to do with the rest of my life.
The birth of my freakouts and the degradation of my sanity came as a direct result of my worst fears. This came from assumptions, biases and subconscious beliefs.
Enter where I am now –
Still human. Still like others in this world. I have bouts with my insecurity. I have moments where rejective thinking clouds my vision.
I have struggles with myself and my self-esteem is currently under renovation. I see no reason to deny this or pretend that these factors do not exist.
Instead, I call out my bouts with shame. I expose my doubts. I uncover my insecurities and reveal myself and the secrets that I try to hide.
I say this because I am person in this world.
I can see where the child in me is still frightened of being bullied in the schoolyard; therefore, I can see where I allow another personality of mine to step in and defend me.
I can see where my hurt and fears from the past can get in the way. So I go through those so-called, emotional flinches in fear that my old damages will resurface and hurt me again.
I write this to you with the full-understanding that I cannot live in the past and I can’t live in the future either.
I say this because neither of them are real nor current.
I certainly can’t live in the worst possible scenarios either which can be crippling, especially if we think about them all the time.
I can’t live freely with hate or anger in my heart.
I can’t be happy if all I do is consider my resentments; however, here’s the reason for this journal – as I move through this station of life, I know that I want more.
I know that I need more and as we unfold the edges of our life at the moment, I am preparing myself to make the next move.
I need to do this because, above all, I don’t ever want to be caught in any port in the storm. I don’t want to “run away” from anything; but more,
I want to find my home.
I want to run towards my goal.
And make them so . . .
I want to see this.
I want to have this because at some point in my life, I know that I will face the days of my retirement. When this comes, the last thing I want to do is to look back with regret. But more, the last thing I want is to wish that I had done something else or took a chance and risked the odds.
In my case, the birth of my freakouts and meltdowns came from within. This was an internal realization that I was being disloyal to my truths.
I wanted more. But fear was my navigator.
I want more now and fear and me – we had a little talk.
I explained that I’m afraid of being hurt and let down.
Fear said, “Me too.”
So, I said, what do you say we try something different? How about we try a different way?
I said this because we keep steering ourselves into the same storms.
Fear asked, “So, what do you mean? Try something different?”
Exactly, I said.
“But what if we get hurt again,” asked Fear.
Nothing can hurt us worse than being stuck in a pattern and wishing for more.
“Good point,” said Fear. “So, when do we start?”
Right now, I said.
But first, I have a cup of coffee I’d like to finish.
It’s boosted with a double shot of espresso.
For a little energy
. . . just so you know.
The Written Addiction 