The Rebirth of Sanity- Phase One: Why Start Here?

The question above is why start here?
Since, I am open to suggestions, I respond to this question with a question of my own.
Where else should we start?
Where else do we begin, but in the beginning?
Right? So –
Here at Phase One, our attempts to understand ourselves and our freakouts and breakdowns are simple. We are here to explore the obvious.
We are here to either understand more about ourselves or more about other people around us. Maybe your desire to follow along with this is to improve your insight. Or, like the critics, maybe you disagree. Either way, since you’re here, we might as well go on.
Okay?

The aim of this project is to create a simple and relatable understanding of who we are and why we react. This journal is written from a human’s perspective. So my intention to normalize our discussions and to humanize our differences is simply to create a better level of understanding between us.
I say things like “you” or “us” and “we’ to include you for a reason.
The reason is that I want to make this personal. I want this to have depth and substance because although I am reporting this as an open finding, I am open to the idea that what I see or what I think is based on my opinions and assumptions.
I want to make this journal as real as I can. I want to make this pop from the pages or from the screen (depending upon the platform you read this) and to let you in on my secrets.
I want to open the door to my thoughts with A) hope that I can rebuild a sense of humanity even if this only goes on between us and B) to form an unbreakable connection between us, so that no one can take what we share away from us so that C) even if this world can be lonely or crazy sometimes, now that we have established this between us, neither you nor I will ever have to be alone again.
Understand?

Once more, it is important to note that no two people are exactly the same. I get that and by now, so do you.
At best, we can be similar.
At best, we can understand one another. We can certainly know each other yet as much as we know, it is impossible to see through someone else’s eyes. I don’t know what color looks like to you. I only know what I can see.
I don’t know what velvet feels like in your hands or what it was like to hold the hand of your Grandmother. I only know about mine and how her hands were warm and soft, like the feel of a chenille blanket.
No one knows what its like to feel through someone else’s touch; therefore, it is important to understand that our response to stimuli, although close or similar in comparison, the fact remains that we all have the right to be unique and individual people.
I react the way I react. You react the way you react and, let’s face it, we all have our moments when we’re not at our best or when someone at the gate of a flight is rude or out of order, when in all fairness, the only thing we want to do is get on the plane, get in our seat, get to where we need to go, and get in the air without an ounce of unnecessary bullshit from an attendant who has their own shit going on at the same time.

I say this to make you laugh . . .
But as a person who has my share of nerve-build-ups at airports, I wanted to comfort this with a silly (insider) version of something understandable.

I am not a scientist. However, I know there is a science to our anger. I am not a doctor or a psychologist, but I know there is a background to us all. I know that our history and experience leaves an impression on us. 
I am not a meteorologist and I might not be able to tell the weather, but I don’t need someone to point out the obvious that when the clouds come, a storm is brewing.
I know that this is due to a mixture of some sort and like the sound of thunder and the production of lightening, oftentimes, people collide as if to create the perfect storm and no differently, our chemistries collide and just like that, we rage like a crazy typhoon or destroy like a tornado, and wreck each other with a path of verbal destruction.

But why?
Why do we freak out?
Why do we get angry?
Why do we react?
I ask this because rather than question the physiological change that takes place in the body, the idea behind this journal is not about the symptom of anger itself; but more, the plan is to create an improved pattern of thinking.
How can we improve our chemistry?
How can we counteract the chemical changes that take place when someone cuts us off in traffic and we have to slam on our brakes?

The primary goal is to create a pathway of improvement to not only improve our reactions, or to learn how to update our personal and mental health, but essentially, our aim is to improve our life from a holistically and fully-understandable basis, to create a better sense of self, to improve our conscious surroundings and to better our interpersonal, intimate and professional relationships.

By the way:
Speaking of professionals . . .

Safe to say that I have worked for terrible leaders and horrible bosses. It is also safe to say that I have worked for the typical narcissist. I’ve worked for bullies. I’ve worked for people who appeared to have split personalities because, at best, you never knew who you were going to have to deal with. To be clear, each day was a crap shoot. Would today be Mr. Happy? Or, would today be another predicament of the so-called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? 
I have seen teams of workers that do well with each other and teams that work poorly.
The reason for this is because some people mesh well with each other while some people lead poorly. Some people follow poorly and, to be clear, some people are not meant to coexist. That’s fine. But life has to continue and so do we regardless of who we like (or don’t).

I have worked in places where two different supervisors shared the same department and to each was their own attributes as well as to each was their own flaws.
I have seen people use the system to get over in places like this.
I can see where this leads to a person playing one end against the other.

I have seen life work in a system of places like institutionalized living. I have seen the promotion of cliques and the separation of status or the different levels of popularity and the varying echelons of desirable to the perceived undesirable classes of people. I have seen this in both the blue collar and white collar side. I have seen this in schools and in social settings where so-called adults are supposed to be grown and mature.

I have met with people who come from wealthy backgrounds yet their internal poverty was that of a homeless or landless person with no home, no place to fit in and, at the same time, I have met with people who come from humble backgrounds with little means to make ends meet.
But to them, they grew up with every advantage. To them, they have everything they need and want and while perhaps their address might not be somewhere on Central Park West or in some of the swankier or stylishly lavish places in Bel-Air or they might not live on Billionaire’s Row; however, I have seen both wealthy and poor and found that while money might buy a lot of things; body chemistry is still body chemistry. Depression is still depression and anxiety knows no prejudice – even if we do!

Everyone has “something” going on.
We all have something to advance or improve from. Whether we get along or not; or whether we agree or see eye-to-eye, or whether we come from the same neighborhood or have the same privileges or not, everyone has “something” in them that responds to an act, or person, place or thing. 

My aim with this journal is the same as it is with any journal.
So, let’s be clear on this, I am not here to be a professional.
I’m only here to be a person. I want to see if we can figure out a better solution between us.
I have not come to you to talk about our differences or to point out flaws or defects. I’m not here as a guru or know-it-all.
Instead, my aim is to bridge us to a better level of understanding.

My aim is this; if at all possible, I want to figure out a basic level of understanding. I want to strip this down to the simplest level or like we did in math with fractions as kids; and so broken down to the least common denominator; how do we create a better level of understanding between us and within ourselves?
How can we understand more about us from a basic standpoint?
How can we improve our defects or flaws without this being a huge or intimidating process?

I say this in full awareness that yes, there are countless books and studies on this matter. Yes, I say this fully aware that there are literally countless others who are more educated and perhaps more fitting to take on this subject.
Yet, since I am a person in this world and since in my effort to bridge to a better level of understanding of myself as well as others, I have decided to enter into this so-called ring and take on the fights that rage in the mind. I know I’m not alone with this.

I know all about the suggestions when it comes to anger management.
I know the difference between emotional, irrational, strategic and logical thinking. To be fair to us all, I understand that some people react better than others.
Some people are able to pull off their trick and manage to keep their heads together. Some are better at allowing cool heads to prevail. Other people . . . not so much.

Some of us react more. Some of us underreact only to wish that we had said something or done something “when the time was right.”
Some of us find ourselves acting out, or as it were with the flight attendant at the gate who gave a hard time about the carry-on size, sometimes we have one nerve left – and unfortunately, that bitch was standing on it! So, we react in ways that contradict our best self and with middle finger up and extended, sometimes, we experience the need to tell someone “GO FUCK YOURSELF” because we’re about to go crazy.
To be honest. I get it!
I really do . . .

Some people allow injustices to take place and they say nothing, almost as if we are witnessing this like a viewer or as a person in the audience of a film or an elaborate play. As we watch this, our brain is in shock that something “like this” is taking place.
In cases like this, as we process what took place and after we move away and adjust to the “click” that happens when realization ignites; and when we move beyond the “Holy shit” phase and say, “I can’t believe that just happened,” we sometimes fall into the unfair and unhealthy mental masturbation of “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve” type thinking. 
I should’ve said this!
I would’ve done that!
Or, I could’ve said this!

In the beginning, we took a look back to unearth our past and look at where our first introductions to shame began.
Where does our personal inventory begin and what do we stock in our internal shelves?
Where did we learn about our experiences with anger?
What took place?
What happened as a result?
What thoughts occurred?
Why do we have to be angry?
Do we have to be angry?
What was our inventory at the time?
What’s going on in the background of our thinking?
Does something in the background overlap to a new instance at hand?
So, in which case, we have expectations that something from the past, like an old insult might take place again. So, what can we see from our personal past; as in what feelings took place and what emotions took over as an end result?
There is a tree to this and like any tree, each comes with its own patterns limbs and branches.

Again, I am not a scientist.
However, I know that everyone has their own science or pathology.
I might not respond the same to social or public criticism the same as someone who was openly criticized and shamed or abused.
I might not respond the same as someone who was trained to be patient instead of automatically and instantly satiated or gratified.

My habit loop is something that is understandable to me. For example, there are neat freaks and there are people who consider their desks to be somewhat of an organized mess.
Mine is an organized mess – although, I can’t find anything and yes, admittedly, there are times when i think to myself “Oh well, if I can’t find it, then it ain’t important,” which I know is not true, but full-disclosure allows me to keep this both honest and true.
What separates these types of thinking between neat and sloppy?
Why?
Where does this training come from and what are the motivating chapters that support this type of living/thinking?

Also, I use the word motivating because motivation is always constant.
Remember?
We have talked about this before. Motivation is simply a form of energy. However, energy is constantly in need of direction.
As an example, some point their energy in the direction of one way and someone else might choose another. However, either direction is irrelevant.
The relevant matter at hand is our response to stimuli.
Some people work best when their life is out of control. Some people are uncomfortable in the quiet and prefer a mild to moderate chaos. This way, they can keep things going at an understandable rate. 

Some people look for the problems and some people are seemingly paranoid; but more, there is something deeper beneath the skin.
There’s something going on which attaches them to an idea, a thought, a memory, experience, feeling and emotion. As a result of this, they’re expecting the worst.
This comes due to an anticipatory fear that pain or shame will always be constant and that healing from this is also an impossibility.

I have sat with people and talked at great lengths about anxiety attacks. I have met with people whose bouts with this take place during the day.
As well, I have listened to people who have bouts at night where they wake up and struggle with the bouts of impending doom, so horrible, that sleep is the last thing they can do. Next, the sun is up and the alarm is about to go off – not that it matters anyway.

I have offered the time to listen to people who live with intense anxieties or with people whose depression is too strong for them to get away from. So, instead, they’ve submitted to this and allowed their life to be taken, stolen by a thief or a bully, which we also know as mental illness. 

I have met with people and listened to them discuss their bouts with value, and the fears of shaded mediocrity, or to put this in perspective; I have listened to people discuss a big fear which is that somehow, they are otherwise irrelevant or uninspiring, not meaningful, and simply faceless and unremarkable. I can relate to this. I can relate to the search for validation. I can relate to the fear of being meaningless or worse, there’s my fear of being totally and absolutely forgettable.

In previous entries, we talked about the different divisions of the crowds. We talked about the tables in the lunchroom from back when we were kids.
We pointed out the different stations of popularity and the different needs to either fit, coexist, or to find ways to overcome “self” or the insecurity which might dictate whether we are “fitting” or “deserving” of attention from others.
My aim for this is to choose relatable atmospheres and surroundings to create a platform which, at some point, we can trace back our thinking to our earliest or cognitive moments of awareness where our brain picked up on a piece of information and said, “Oh, I get it. When this happens, then that happens. So, I should do this instead of that.”
 

It’s perfect that we are different. It’s excellent to know that we have the right to be unique and individual. We don’t have to agree.
We don’t have to see things the same way or think the same things. We don’t have to come from the same backgrounds or have the same culture.
We can think and feel as we choose and yes, although we are different, we are free to explore this world both equally and uninhibitedly. No one can stop this. No one can prevent us from adjusting and updating our thinking and improving on a daily basis.

Still, in the face of change and in the phases of personal growth, we all start from somewhere: The beginning!
There are different moments of awareness. There are different levels of preparedness and after our bouts with preparation and consideration of what to do, when and how; the next step is action. 

Earlier, when talking about our goals, we talked about finding our R.A.S.O.
(Realistic, Attainable, Sustainable goals to achieve our desired Outcome)

There are the phases of change; however, since this is not designed to use someone else’s meter, let’s break our next acronym for change into four basic steps
I.M.P.I.
This stands for Inspiration, Motivation, Preparation, and Implementation

To quote a brilliant mind, “We spend way too much time trying to re-engineer things.”
“We have to stop over-reporting and under-delivering!”
I love this idea!
Lastly, I am inspired by the thought which took place when it was explained to me that all people do sometimes is plan yet no one ever pulls the trigger to make things happen.

So . . .
Let’s make things happen.

I can see how this goes on in the working world. I can see why too.
I say this because people are afraid of the work that has to happen after we recognize what changes need to be made.
I can see why the aftermath can be intimidating because for every action, there is a reaction. And, in the face of change, people would rather be blind or live in denial because it’s easier than doing the work.

I have met with people who have denied themselves the life they truly wanted. Whether this was out of fear or need for comfort of the common and known instead of the fear of the unknown; I can see where I am guilty of this same thing.
I can see where this ties into my emotional thought system.
I can see where this triggers my emotional data and why I react and respond the way I do.
I can also see the childishness in myself and where (and how) it’s time to put the boy to sleep so the man in me can address my life as I need it to be.

I can see why I find myself in a sense of discomfort around social or educational snobbery. So, either I arm and prepare myself both socially or educationally; or, I give in, which to be clear – we both know that giving in is not the option.
I can see where my discomforts come from. However, if all I do is plan or talk about my problems, or bitch and complain, or toss back and forth with the unfairness of mental masturbation of “what if” or “why me,” or “why not me,” and if all I do is look to re-engineer, over-report and under-deliver, then nothing will change. Life will only happen “to” me instead of “for” me.

The idea is to engineer the life we want.
To honor our needs.
To honor our wants, our dreams, our hopes, aspirations and our desires.
We have to cut the cord, so-to-speak, and build a life that constantly grows, evolves and rewards us on a daily basis. 

That’s what this journal is intended to do
and that’s why we’re starting here –
At Phase One.