Something I heard in the beginning of my journey is to keep the focus on myself, which is great advice. Yet, somehow, we can often be distracted.
I was told, “worry about you.”
I was told to stop comparing and stop thinking about what other people say or what other people do.
“Keep the focus on yourself!”
I was told to focus on my own goals and to worry about my own momentum. But at the time, I was early into a certain change. I was growing and certainly uncomfortable.
I had to endure the strains of a new life and the discomfort of learning new things. Also, I was made to endure a new life that made no sense to me.
I say this because at the change of an instant, I had to go from an old life, into a new life. I had to change my habits. I had to get rid of my old routine. I had to change my friends and my surroundings. At the same time, I was told that the way I was living was no good. I was told that all of my comforts would have to change and that the methods I used to keep myself sane were crazy. At best, had I not changed, I would face an early grave or find myself with either of three inevitable ends. None of the three were good.
“Keep the focus on yourself!”
This can be traced back to my younger entry into the field of recovery. This can be traced back to the times when I wanted to overcome my habits. This can be traced back to when I wanted to overcome my weight and shed my extra pounds. This can lead back to when I had to lose the weight that had piled up over the years. Due to a moment of awareness, I faced a serious health challenge in that first, I was eating myself sick and secondly, I saw a photograph of me and I didn’t even recognize who I was.
This can be traced back to when I decided to re-educate myself and take classes on subjects that would support my new dream. Speaking of new dreams, this same model of thinking, “to focus on me,” can be traced back to when I was working in the public sector or back to when I was brought on camera and shown on the news. I was used because I was comfortable breaking my own anonymity and discussing my work as a recovery specialist in a local program. I could speak well enough and show passion. I was good for something; but also, I was told to be mindful and to stay in my lane. I was used to shine a spotlight on a program and this would’ve all been fine should I have chosen to stay in my box and only come out when asked to.
But I wanted more. Yet, I was told that I couldn’t have more or do more because my place on the team was lower on the rungs. To me, there was inventory on both sides. I was eager and hopeful and wanting to blossom. They were eager and hopeful and wanting their program to burst on the scene with politics and recognition.
I allowed myself to become distracted which impacted my behavior and performance. I lost sight of my best self and because I allowed for these distractions, I misplaced my values and acted in ways that oppose my better judgment. I can see where my wrongs were. And yes, I can see other wrongs as well. But I’m not here to restore anyone else’s sanity or to improve “their” life. I’m not here to shine a light on a program in the public sector. No, not at all.
I’m here to improve my own life, one day at a time.
So, what did I learn?
Keep the focus on yourself.
Anything else is enough to drive us crazy!
I learned that success is relative. I learned that looking at our outcomes and only responding when the outcomes are desirable is degrading. In the end, this kills our effort which, above all, we are in the effort business. Not the result business.
I can see why we look around. I can see why we lose sight of ourselves and how insecurity plays its tricks. I can also see what happens when people are not at their best. I can see what takes place when people are experiencing a weakness or going through a challenge. In their struggle to maintain their daily self, I can see why people look around at others who distract them from their best pathways.
It’s easy to be distracted, especially if we are not at our best.
It’s easy to lose sight and become frustrated.
I always laugh at this story but I use this often as fuel and motivation –
I was on an elliptical machine at a nearby gym, overweight and humbled; but at the time, I was doing pretty well. I was working on myself, which wasn’t easy. But I was improving.
I had built up speed and noticed that my body was allowing me to do more when all of a sudden, a young man who quite possibly was the best looking young man in the world, chiseled, perfect figure, cool hair cut, cool outfit and, to me, there is no reason why anyone should be so good looking. Then all of a sudden, this young man walked up to me at my machine and says, “Excuse me, mister . . .”
I paused in disbelief, as if he just called me an old man.
The young Adonis pointed to the numbers indicating my heartrate on the dashboard of the elliptical machine and said, “Better watch your heartrate, You can have a heart attack.”
And then he walked away.
But me?
I took my towel. I wiped down the machine with sanitary wipes, as requested by the signs from the gym’s staff. I packed my things, got in my car and left to get a burrito from Taco Bell.
I can see why people quit on themselves. I can say this happens a lot with dieting. I can see how this affects us at work, especially when we have a bigger work detail or more projects than someone else. I can see the unbalanced nature and the unfairness in the office where someone who decides to stay at home or work remotely instead of come in. Yet, come rain or shine, we are expected to be at our desk on-time. Not only that, we have to have our work done and completed by a dead-line. In the words of one of my favorite poets and literary heroes, Jim Carroll, “deadlines are a bitch!”
And they are.
In fact, back as a kid, I can remember bumper stickers on cars which read, “Life’s a bitch!”
And maybe it is . . .
Come to think of it; there’s another decal that I remember from the 80’s that said, “Life’s a bitch and then you die!”
Let’s face it –
Good things don’t come easy. So this means nothing worthwhile comes easy. Besides, the fact that we work for something and the fact that we bleed and we sweat and we labor and we mourn means that what we have is valuable. This might not balance the uneven playing field and this might not take away the political unfairness of nepotism or favoritism, but rest assure, losing focus on who we are and allowing these distractions to disrupt our gains will do nothing else but degrade our best efforts.
So, keep the focus on yourself –
This means our worth is more than something that can be simply taken from us; therefore, the reasons we worry about others or look around and judge the unfairness is because of an internal worry that either we won’t make it, no matter how hard we try – or, maybe this is because we’re pissed off that we have to do extra work or that it’s not coming easy.
Maybe we’re pissed off that we have to work harder for something than anyone else. Or, maybe we’re going through a moment when we are internally, personally or intellectually lazy. So we look for an excuse to quit. We allow ourselves to be distracted by the perceived unfairness of the playing field around us and, again, if we look for a reason to quit, the work just became simple because it’s always easy to find a reason to quit.
Is life fair?
Perhaps, not.
But looking around at others and worrying about their efforts does nothing for us. This does not improve our standing. This does not promote our best potential.
If anything, this degrades us because in our search for a reason to be mad or in our search for an excuse to quit or to look for the easy way out, we focus on unnecessary distractions.
We look at others around us or at the person who manipulates or “gets over” on the system at work.
We look at the person who never does more than they have to and just slips by undetected. To add insult to injury, somehow, they get named for a promotion or they get a raise or they get some sort of recognition. Meanwhile, you know their tricks. You know they’re full of shit!
You know what they pull. You also know that since the pandemic began, their tricks have not only multiplied but improved and their work life and home life is much easier for them.
But not for you . . .
Meanwhile, as you sit at your workstation and answer an endless list of emails at your cubicle, your boss is right behind you, and your workload is still just as heavy, if not more, and your to-do list is just as long, if not longer; then sure, it’s easy to think about the “penny-wise and dollar foolish” people.
But she, he, they or them or none of our concern.
I say this from a workplace perspective. I say this happens in white collar and blue collar situations as well.
I can list countless people who were promoted because of a family connection or because of who they knew or some kind of political move. I can see what this did to the motivation and the mood of the team because there were others who were more qualified, who worked harder, who were in the field much, much longer, and not to mention, these people paid their dues. They bled and they sweat and what thanks did they get, beside the paycheck?
Either way, the unbalanced playing field does not care about fairness and neither can we.
No, our job is to be effort-based and to keep the focus on us.
If we looked at the unfair models at work or if we thought about the people who somehow lose weight, just by drinking more water; or if we worry about the people who seldom (if ever) study, and somehow, they pass without losing a minute of sleep; and if we worry about the world around us and their efforts, in the end, all we’ve done is degrade our best efforts.
We lose track. We misplace our intentions which are to improve on a daily basis – and looking at everyone else or at what they have and putting our energy in someone else’s race does not help us cross the finish line. No, not at all.
This does nothing to help our momentum or improve our stamina.
Keep the focus on yourself –
It’s a great motto.
Years back, a local hero found himself on the main stage. He was set to fight for the welterweight championship in an MMA bout with the champion of the world and arguably, the best in the world, pound for pound and certainly the odds on favorite.
There was an interview.
The underdog was asked if he saw the champion’s last fight.
They asked him, “Did you see what he did to him in that fight?”
He said, “Yeah, I saw what he did to him. But he’s not going to do that to me!”
He didn’t listen to the critics.
He didn’t think about the odds against him.
So it came and went, the time and the build up to the fight and all the hype took place before the fight in the cage took place.
I watched a hometown hero, an underdog, a scrapper, dedicated to one goal, alone, which was to win, and I saw him enter the cage against the so-called better and bigger man.
So it went down that within the first round, I watched an old friend and local hero as he defied the odds and knocked out the champion of the world.
I loved every minute of this.
I screamed louder than anyone, I’m sure I did.
I cheered more because, to me, this victory meant more to me than a victory for someone from the neighborhood. I saw this as a score for the good guys.
I saw this as food for the underdog and mostly, I saw this as a reminder that to hell with the world or to hell with idea that says life’s a bitch. Get in there. Train. Lift. Work.
Do whatever it takes to fulfill your dreams and achieve your destiny.
Do this with all of your heart because worrying about others or what they say will do nothing but keep you still and leave you stuck in a life that you never asked for.
Now please, if you’ll excuse me . . .
I have some training to do.
The Written Addiction 