Safe to say that by now, we all know what drives us crazy. We all know what sets us off, which can range from someone leaving a mess on the table or not cleaning up after themselves. This can be seeing someone litter or being interrupted when speaking.
Either way, my point is that we all know our triggers. Perhaps we might not fully understand them or why we find ourselves arguing or fighting about unimportant things with unimportant people. However, at some point, if we truly want to find the rebirth of sanity, we have to understand the deviations of our sanity. We have to address the mind and the triggers that lead us to trips and falls. We have to know what leads us to the unfortunate paths that steer us away from where we want to be.
Otherwise, then what?
First and foremost, there is no perfection.
There is no absolute readiness for the life ahead of us. There is no book or script that will accurately prepare us for life as it happens, which is now, alive and in person.
Although we can learn from our past, we have to remember that our past does not predict our future. However, our thinking can be disturbed by doubts and clouded by thoughts that do us an injustice. But at the base of this is a list of inventory that links us to the why, the where, the how and the who.
This is a connection to a set of thoughts that stem from past ideas and past experiences. Often, we allow this biased thinking to overstep and intrude on the solutions of a new and possible future.
So then –
What are the questions we need to ask ourselves?
What drives us crazy and why?
Why do we personalize items in our life that have nothing to do with us?
Why do we waste time arguing?
However, when it comes to the rebirth of sanity, there are other questions we should consider.
These are questions such as what is doubt and where does this come from?
What triggers this? What stirs us up and sets us off?
Why does this happen? Or better yet, if we want to change our thinking or if we want to change our patterns, why do we keep falling for the same tricks or repeat the same behaviors?
What causes our thinking to go off-center and what leads us towards anxiety or anxious thinking?
Is this a fear that’s based the lack of safety?
Is this a worry that somehow we will be wrong?
Who wants to be wrong?
Is it that somehow, if we’re wrong or if we “lose” or if we are otherwise exposed, will it manifest as a sense of worthlessness?
Or, will this mean that we are not valid or worthy of an opinion; and so, we fight back!
We battle and we argue. But to what avail?
We want to prove our points even if we already know we are right.
But why?
I have asked myself these questions, especially after moments of turmoil. I’ve certainly asked myself this after family fights and meanspirited bouts that took place. Certainly, I’ve asked myself these questions after saying things I wish I hadn’t said.
Yes, there are times when words cannot be taken back and certainly, there are times when words can do irreparable damage. I have seen this from both sides of the table.
There are times when my blood was running hot and in fear of being a fool or perhaps a victim, or in fear of being wrong and perhaps out of ego and pride and in the fit of a worry that I was “losing,” I went below the belt. I went over the top. I drew first blood and you name it; sadly, I admit to this version of myself. I admit to the imperfections of my humanity because in order for me to improve, I had to know where I needed to begin.
For example, I knew that my insecurity took over in too many conversations. I can see where i talked myself into a pit of despair. In my efforts to dig myself out, the last words i said would utterly repeat in my mind and sound even more stupid than the ones before it.
I have verbally dug myself into the deepest ditches, all due to insecure thinking.
I know that my thinking has the ability to disrupt my best intentions. While in my heart I know that I am good, I defy anyone’s best ability when facing a challenge of the heart.
Or, when hurt or when sad or when desperate for the feel or the touch of a warm side of life and that being of success, I defy anyone to be at their best when they think they are broken.
Meanwhile, all we want is to satisfy the need and have the feel of accomplishment and believe that this is more than fleeting or temporary.
I can relate to the theories of rejection and rejective thinking. I can see how this stems back to analogy when I was a door-to-door salesman or when I’d face the brutal rejections of telemarketing which, intellectually, I knew these people didn’t know me. I know this wasn’t all too personal. But at the time, I promise you – the rejection was brutal!
Either way – this was only business.
However, at the same time, the constant stream of rejection and the constant battle of having doors slammed in my face was painful. Also, there was the constant jostling back and forth over price and working so hard with an account only to be undersold by someone else. This was a bitch too.
I remember sitting in a sales meeting and being the least productive salesperson on the team. I remember this well because this was said, out loud, for all the others to hear.
It was announced that my orders were small and my paperwork was the least so it was laughed about and poked at and exploited by the sales manager in front of everyone else.
This was no different than being bullied in second grade when some kid named Garrett beat me up in the hallway. Or, Mike who threw me in the bushes over by the first grader’s entrance in elementary school.
I had to learn about these triggers because otherwise, any time I sensed a violation of old experiences repeating themselves or when I felt the surge of emotions that were based on old thinking and old fears that were no longer relevant, I found that I responded to this. Also, I noted that this is where my shortcomings and preemptive responses evolved from.
In fairness, all we want is to be safe.
So, when we find something that takes us to a connection or a thought that brings us to an assumption, we find ourselves defending an old injustice. But the past is gone and safe to say – I don’t think I’ll ever be in second grade again and I’ve grown some, so it’s doubtful that anyone will beat me up, just for being small.
Or, maybe this might not apply to you or anyone else. Or, maybe it does.
Since your math is different from mine, the equations behind your triggers come from different elements of your history; hence, your math derives from different figures and adds with different items that created the sum of your life.
In the idea to redefine ourselves, we mentioned that we first have to define who we are.
This is why we start here, at Phase One.
We have to understand where we come from. We have to understand our personal mathematics this way we can understand more about our roots. More importantly, we can understand about the triggers that steer us away from of our best possible self.
What are the changes you would like to see in your personality?
Are there any?
What improvements would you like to make within yourself?
Are they physical?
Are they professional?
Is this personal or social?
Or, would you like to make emotional changes and improve yourself from a spiritual or from a more enlightened perspective?
My answer to the above is all of the above because above all; I want to improve all the above on a steady and constant basis.
The biggest lie we tell ourselves is this: I don’t know.
The truth is, we do know.
We might need help trying to connect the dots. We might need someone to guide us through a series of motivational questions that lead us to find our own answers.
I say it this way particularly because the most valuable realizations and the life-changing moments of awareness are the ones that we come to on our own.
When we find ourselves at the moment of awareness, we find ourselves in a state of retention which means we have come to an understanding of who we are. As the light comes on above our head, we start to understand the math and the details of our life.
This is the most valuable level of awareness. I say this because this leads us towards an enlightened sense of internal understanding. This is what allows us the freedom to know who we are and not be threatened by anything or anyone around us.
We don’t have to fight or argue.
And certainly, we don’t have to defend ourselves anymore.
We don’t have to take anything personal anymore. We don’t have to be right. We don’t have to respond to everything and it doesn’t have to be “our way” all the time.
I stood in front of a classroom filled with juniors and seniors in high school. We started to talk about value. I had asked someone what they have that they consider most valuable.
I pointed to their phone and offered $50.00 for their phone.
“Would you take it?”
The deal was that they would have to turn their phone over to me, just like that, no deleting, no erasing, no nothing, Oh, and also, no password protection or damaging the phone to keep from being seen.
We started to add money to the mix because at first, the answer was “no!”
But why?
Is it because the phone has value? Is it the technology that was so valuable?
Or, is it the content and the personal details and the investment of stored information and/or the secrets that might be in a few texts or perhaps some pictures that no one else is supposed to see.
I asked about clothing and who would sell me their shirt, right here and right now, for $5.00.
Of course, no one said yes to the first offer.
But as the price went up, the interest went up.
It was clear that we place value on certain items of importance.
No one leaves their car door unlocked or no one leaves the front door open.
We all established this.
The idea was to determine an understanding of value because we understand what things are worth.
We know how much a sandwich costs as opposed to a steak from Capital Grille and I mean the double-cut filet mignon with the bone-in and the seafood tower which, in fairness, there’s really nothing in the world like this. Except, of course, for a place called Killer Shrimp in Marina Del Rey in California – but ah, I digress.
My point is that we understand what items are worth. But do we understand our own worth? Do we understand the value of the contents of our life? If so, do we guard this as sacredly as a moment in the sun with the most special person in the world?
Are we fully aware that moments are irretrievable and, if so, do we value them the way they deserve to be?
Do we invest oppositely and spend more time worrying or harping on resentment?
Where do we spend our energy?
Do we understand our value enough to know that our time is always moving and that seconds are always counting; therefore, time is slipping away, which means moments are always fleeting.
Therefore, if we start to understand how valuable our time is, perhaps, we would understand that wasting time is as senseless as the fool and the fool who argues with them.
As always, I offer this from an internal and personal perspective.
I offer this as someone who has lost countless opportunities to live my life to the fullest because my mind, my time and my sanity was invested in arguing for validation and fighting over who is right or being pissed about a parking spot or my place in line.
This is my understanding which means this is the math to my equation.
This also means that this is specific to me. However, if the saying is true and to each is their own, then to find your sanity and to keep yourself at the best possible levels, what are the items that you value most?
If any, what are the details in your life that degrade your best self or distract you from your greater purpose? Or wait, no – here’s a better question: What is your greater purpose?
What is your passion?
What gets you going and builds you up?
What allows you to be strong enough that your endurance is at its best?
Or come what may, what’s in your heart that gives you an edge?
I have had this conversation with more people than I can figure.
More times than I can count, I’ve heard the lie, once more, which is: I don’t know.
My aim here is to offer you an option.
My aim is to suggest that, in fact, you do know.
Everyone knows what fuels them. Everyone knows what makes them happy.
Everyone knows what they want; however, we all have items in the mind and connections to assumptions, beliefs, biases, thoughts, feelings and emotions that teach us to be cautious.
The reason for this is because desire can be frightening at times and hopes can lead to disappointment.
But so what?
So what, you tried or you took a swing and you missed.
Big deal . . .
There was a leadership discussion about psychological safety that took place in one of my coaching groups called Developing Colleague Connections.
I talked about my early experiences as a salesman. I talked about the time when my sales manager threw a stapler at me or when he took my chair away and refused to let me sit down. The deal was, I couldn’t sit at my desk until I made a sale – and this had to be a real sale, not a small one.
Or, there was a time when the sales manager took my little garbage pail and dumped it on top of my desk because my paperwork was a mess.
He told me to clean up my mess and then clean up my paperwork!
I was young at the time. I needed the job. I lacked the ability to know or understand how to navigate through intimidations like this and plus, I took this on myself.
I took this no differently than the bully who gave me my first wedgie. Or, what about the time when my tooth fell out when I was 7 years-old.
That’s when I thought the Tooth Fairy was going to come – that’s when Fred from the sixth grade laughed at me in front of the entire bus stop and called me a stupid kid. That’s when I found out there was no such thing as Santa, the Tooth Fairy and all that lovable kid stuff.
I explained that this is my math. . .
Not anyone else’s
However, understanding my past and my reasons for irrational fears and judgment allowed me the freedom to recognize my right to challenge my biased assumptions that would otherwise put me down or psyche me out before the game began.
Understand?
Someone in the group asked “how would you respond to something like that now?”
They meant the sales manager . . .
I explained that my math is different now.
The understanding of my worth has improved because first, I’m not a kid anymore. Second. I have grown to understand that I do not deserve to be treated disrespectfully and thirdly, and mostly, my understanding of self and my awareness that I have the ability to improve and move on would never allow me to stay somewhere and be trapped without working for a new and stronger option. Lastly, I would understand that I am worth more and that outside ramble is about as important as yesterday’s trash, which by the way, sucks when its been spilt all over your desk . . .
Take now for example –
I am in the midst of change. While not all of my situations are desirable, preferable, optimal or perfect, I am building my craft and working towards creating my next best future.
I call this “My trick.”
If I pull this off, this means that no matter what happened; no matter how I felt or if I was hurt and no matter what took place or what transpired, no one ever beat me because I refused to beat myself.
This has been my helpful path when restoring my sanity.
My life is no longer about win or lose,
at least not anymore.
My life is about building optionality so that when something unfavorable or unfortunate is abound, then I can learn to utilize my skills. I can depend on my tools and my ability to pull off my trick and create something more deserving of my time.
This might not happen when I want it to or as fast.
But I declare this here and now: the day I allow someone to steal my smile is the same day I’ve allowed someone to steal me.
I can’t allow this. So, I use better math skills and learn where to subtract myself so that nothing will ever divide me again.
Hence, I will leave you with this:
Today’s goal is don’t argue with fools –
because there is nothing more unwinnable than this.
The Written Addiction 