Please forgive the personal speech. However, I’ve had no choice but to insert this here because, otherwise, other voices can take hold. Therefore, I had no choice but to place this here.
Over the years, I have had to learn how to narrate my victory and hear a voice in my head which pushes me to go and dream and do; but more, this voice is what pushes me to dare and execute.
This is the talk that destroys my doubt and the voice I choose when I question my worth or my beauty and give in to the ideas that perhaps I am nothing or worse, I am weak or incapable.
I know that there’s much to contend with in life. But at the same time, I also know that my biggest obstacles are the ones that come from the deception of my perception.
I know about the challenges of mental and emotional hurdles which can evolve into physical intimidations, if I allow them.
This is why I’ve had no choice but to create this voice.
I do this because I know all about the people who talk and put others down. I used to fall victim to this. I used to persecute myself with a perceived judgment that didn’t need to belong to me.
So, to change the script and recreate my sanity, I had to find something to help me get away from this.
Where else could this come from, if not from within?
Something we seem to forget is that our greatest right is the right to choose. This comes with the right to change our minds.
We can change our direction. We can change our patterns. We can act. We can sit still. We can move and we can go. We can refrain and if we choose, we can make changes at any given moment.
There is no rule that states we have to be unhappy. There is no law that says we have to revisit the regrettable past or relive the unfortunate choices of yesterday.
There is no law that says we have to interact with the internal haywires of unfortunate thinking or the give in to the vulnerabilities of outside judgment.
It is often overlooked that we have the power to choose who we involve in our life. We can choose who we involve in our deepest decisions. We can learn from our choices. Rather than re-invest, we can understand that sometimes people are only momentary lessons of who we can trust – and who we can’t.
We can allow ourselves the intimate contact of learning about a person without holding them accountable for someone else’s mistakes.
We can move. We can circle back.
We can apologize for our mistakes; and more, we can also learn to forgive ourselves.
We can choose to accept what people say and yes, we can choose to form, build and create our own opinions. These freedoms are endless,
if we allow them to be.
We can reject the mottos of words like, “can’t” or “impossible” because as it has been said to me, everything is impossible until it’s done.
In fact, I have been told about my impossibilities since I was a small boy. I was told about the odds and the statistics. As a matter of fact, there were times in my life that I was told I had absolutely no chance to succeed or exceed beyond a certain level of success.
I have been told, introduced and reintroduced to the size of this world, which is bigger than infinite, and yes, I’ve seen the differences in the social and professional stages.
I know about social barriers.
I’ve heard about words like ‘inclusion” and “psychological safety” and I have seriously contemplated these terms the same as I have listened to people discuss subjects like “emotional intelligence.” Then I shake my head and laugh because I often wonder if the people who speak the most about this are aware of what these things really mean.
I have listened to people scream for equity and equality and yes, I have sat in meetings about upcoming meetings and listened to the complaints about life and how everything is so goddamned unfair. Maybe it is. . .
I have listened to people talk about the different subjects of change and, at the same time, I have heard all the talk. Meanwhile; I watched as nothing happened.
Some people talk. Some people do.
Some people dream. Some people dare.
Some people sit and watch the world go by.
They think about everything yet they do nothing.
To me, this is crazy.
I understand there is a time to think. I understand there is a time to contemplate and there are times when plans are essential. However, plans mean nothing if we do nothing to build from them.
What is a blueprint without the production?
What is a dream besides a pillow of thoughts if we do nothing to see this materialize?
There are no guts or glory in sitting back and waiting for life to come to you. However, although I acknowledge there are times when patience is a virtue, I also acknowledge that tenacity is a strength that pushes us beyond measure.
I have had to find this.
I’ve had to find this at the worst times and in the worst places, sometimes even with the best people; I have had to create a way to rebound. Otherwise, I would have done nothing else but live a dead life or be in fear that should I raise my hand or try, someone would try to call me out and either degrade me or expose my faults to exploit me as worthless.
I acknowledge the freedom of action and the right and the ability to defy the odds which say, “Sorry kid. Nice try.”
I acknowledge the soul’s right to get up, stand and to rage each day.
I have to allow for this; otherwise, I’ll have nothing to go on except an empty tank and a believed system of lifeless living.
There was a time when I was not expected to make much of a life for myself. There was a time when I was talked about, put down, degraded and absolutely counted out. This was definitely me.
There were times that for some reason; I allowed myself to prove people right about me. I gave in or I became the monster that other people predicted I should be.
I proved the wrong predictions right about me.
Only now, I promise myself that I will never do that again.
When I talk about the rebirth of my sanity, I talk about the rebirth of loyalty to myself. This is where I recognized and decided to place honor where it needs to be. But more, this is when I decided to treat myself as a priority.
If sanity is achieved by action, then my actions have to create a loyal pattern to myself, which means that first, I cannot allow myself to be codependent or have someone’s priorities over mine.
Understand?
On more than one occasion, I have toyed with my excuses. I have contemplated the challenges ahead and given in to the emotional, professional and physical limitations that only exist in the mind.
I allowed other people’s input to intimidate or limit me.
This was on me . . .
But not anymore.
I have seen people with severe challenges and difficulties yet they get up each day regardless of their physical handicaps. I’ve watched people grow from impossibility and grow into heroic forms of life. Then I look at myself. I see myself in the mirror. I see what I have and what I can do.
How dare I give in?
I have watched people who were essentially called the underdog or told that they had absolutely no chance of winning or surpassing their limits. Still, no matter what they were told or no matter what the statistics said and no matter how hard it was for them to push themselves to take one more step, they managed to succeed.
I love that.
I think about this all the time.
I think about the so-called challenges and wondered what, if anything, was so different about them. Was anything different about me? Should I see myself this way?
Or perhaps I should recognize that limitations are only made to be defied the same as records are only set to be broken.
Should I question everything because of a so-called limitation? Or should I go, be and do, no matter what the scoreboard says? Should I live in fear of what my bank account tells me? Or no matter what the corporate ladder tells me or the supposed limitations I’ve heard about my levels of education, should I listen to any of this? Should I wait and hope and wish or should I build as if there is nothing to stop me?
I am aware of our rights to go, be and do.
I am aware that although these rights are undeniable and irrevocable, this does not mean that everyone will sign on or help.
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t people waiting to trip us or point their fingers. This doesn’t mean there aren’t bad people who look to exploit the weakness and failures of others.
No, these people are real.
I see them everyday. I watch them smile too; which in some cases, I know this means that something‘s in the mail. But that’s on them, not me.
I can tell when someone has a plot. But what should I do?
Should I live in this regard? Or should I move anyway?
Do it.
Go.
Don’t listen.
Don’t quit.
Don’t stop.
No matter how much it hurts or even if it hurts or if you’re intimidated or if you think there’s just no chance, now is the time to switch the narrative.
Now is the time to change the record and change the voices in your head.
Now is the time to hear that voice in your mind and celebrate the rage you’ve been holding back for so long. Now is the time to act and brave the chances it takes to become the change.
Now is the time to reclaim the life you want to achieve.
I have sat with people who hold high positions and have the world kissing up to them. I have heard about their goals to run companies and I know about their stories. I know about their rise to success and yes, even in this case, even at the supposed top of the heap, they are people too. This means that even presidents of big corporations come to a ceiling where they cannot rise beyond the level of limitations.
I love this fact because this allows them to be human.
Just like us.
This is my life that I never lived before.
This is my dream that I never allowed to unfold.
This is my fight.
This is my journey and this is my life that I’ve only wished for because if I never do or dare or try, then this will be me, sitting on the sidelines and watching as my life goes by.
This is my fire.
This is my rage and my crazy rebellion which is what keeps me sane. Had I not decided to own this or had I not decided to claim this right; or better yet, should I have decided to forgo or to forbear, whether politely or under protest; then I know that nothing would happen unless I made a move.
I know that nothing would change unless I changed it.
I know that had I listened to the times when I was told that I couldn’t make it past a certain level or when I was told that there’s no chance, or there’s no shot that I could move ahead; and had I listened to this or believed in this narrative, then I wouldn’t be here with you.
No, I suppose that I would have surrendered to some kind of mundane existence and accepted my slice of imprisoned mediocrity. Therefore, I would have accepted some kind of conveyor belt life where everything is only more of the same and dreams are only packaged but not to be dared or touched or opened.
The most insane approach to life is assuming that we do not have the right to live it.
But for some reason, here we are. We have found this place together.
There has to be a reason.
There has to be something to this narrative which pushes us to want more.
When I say more, I mean as in more, with the emphasis on more than what we’ve been told or more than the limits we’ve assumed.
This is our life.
No one has the right to take this away.
No one has the right to stop us.
If we choose to rebuild our sanity,
no one can ever degrade us again
. . . unless we let them.
The Written Addiction 