As I find myself on the verge of a new chapter, I can see the choices of my past which have left me with some unresolved tensions. I can also see how this has left me with a sense of incompleteness. This is a strange feeling to say the least. It’s surreal too, as if to be one of those moments when everything is happening at a thousand miles an hour yet there’s something so absolutely still at the same time.  I can compare this to falling in slow-motion, which is not in slow-motion at all because (of course) you know that you’re falling; but at the same time, there’s this weird presence of mind that takes place, as if to say, “Holy shit! This is really happening.”

Last night, I drove home after a long day of working alone. I was somewhat isolated and somewhat segregated away from the rest of the world, which is hardly the way anyone should have to spend their Sunday.
I was thinking about the words, “Unfinished business.”

For the record, I do not like the words, “Motivational Speaker.”
I don’t like to associate myself with this because, to me, I think this is more about ego.
I don’t mind being called a speaker. I don’t mind the presentations; although no one believes me, but to be clear on this, I am absolutely petrified before I speak. I have panic attacks. I’ve had my share of vomiting fits before entering a room.
I say this to people but no one believes me. I have social and general anxiety disorder. I have a fear of public speaking. I’m afraid that I look or sound stupid or idiotic. But that being said . . .

I have been thinking about how big things may seem yet, in the grand scheme of it all, our life is so small. But we make it a “big deal” because, to us, the moment is too huge to see our way around it.
I get that. And I’m sure that you do too.
But life is filled with tips and lessons. I swear, this is true.

I’m not so sure if this is more for me or for you. I suppose it’s safe to say that yes, this is for both of us. Or, maybe this is just to satisfy a thought and a need which I have at this moment. But either way, something I appreciate most in life is humility and the humbleness which takes place here, between you and I.
I had just finished mentioning that life cannot exist in a vacuum; yet life does exist in a vacuum.
As in, our vacuum.
So in case you’ve missed my intentions, please allow me to be clear. I want this journal to be personal. Otherwise, these words are meaningless, at least I think so.
I want this to be something that reaches out and causes you to think or if anything at all, I hope this allows you a moment to contemplate the life we live and the next chapter ahead of us. Because if you ask me – it’s going to be a great one.

Life cannot exist in a vacuum, at least this is what we’ve been told. However, I can say that I have lived in a vacuum for a very long time.
I can say that I have seen people live in their own vacuum of a world, either caught or stuck, and unable to switch or break free or move out from their place of existence.
I have seen people wither to their own belief system and somehow become void in their own mind because instead of rising up or daring to make a run for it; instead, I have watched a good generation of people give up and slip into their own invalidness. I have seen people submit and surrender to a mental infection of lies and misperceptions.

In the beginning of this journal, I referred to this as the rebirth of sanity which, hopefully, the details in this journal allow for a means to understand the reasons behind our freak-outs or meltdowns.
This is to understand why they occur and where the come from. Also, this is as much a part of our journey as it is a part of our personal recovery.

I agree. Courage is important.
I agree that it takes courage to step forward or to step away from a person, place or thing.
I agree that sometimes, these changes we face and the choices we have to make are unfair. I also agree that when it comes to making a change or moving on or forward, it’s a brave thing to face the unknown.
It’s a brave task to go towards the mysteries with almost a defying sense of eagerness or zest for what’s to come.
I say that we can do this.
We can move. I say that we are free to change our direction and free to take on anything or to dare the odds.
All it takes is courage. (Right?)

Our aim is to make peace with what is. Even if what is, is not what we want it to be; the question is how do we make peace with what we have? How do we do this when all we want is more? How do we sit idly by and wait and hope and wish? I tell you, it’s challenges like this that make people consider the most irrational ideas.
How do we overcome the obstacles in our mind? Rather than see them as an obstacle, how do we turn them into opportunities? Of course, when it comes to the features in our hearts and the truth in our minds, how do we find comfort when what we have is not what we want?

This entry is both timely and necessary because as I write to you about recovery, the question becomes when do we need to recover the most?
It’s not something we need when all is well or when life is happy. This is not something that comes when we’re around the ones we love the most. By definition, the term recover means to return to normal or to restore to good health.
Well, I write this as someone who is unsure about the word normal.
Of course, I suppose I know what the proposed definition is, which is to be expected, as in to be usual and ordinary.
But between us, I don’t see anything usual or ordinary about either of us.
Do you?

What does it mean to recover or to get something back?
Or wait, what did we lose in the first place? Is it time? Is it half of our life?
Or is it more than this and instead of things that we’ve lost, we opened our eyes to realize that so much has happened yet, we sat there like a witness and let everything go by.

What does it mean to reclaim your own life?
What does it mean to take your dreams back? All of them.
One at a time.