No one knows.
No one knows exactly how or what you feel. No one knows what the touch feels like from the tips of your fingers nor can anyone see the spectrum of colors through your eyes.
No one else knows this. Only you.
No one knows what a weight feels like in your hands or on your body. No one knows what it’s like for you to carry something on your back because, to them, their ability to carry weight or the sensation of weight is not the same.
No one knows what your muscles experience or what heaviness feels like to you.
Only you know this.
Now, this is not to say that we are all so different. This is not to say that we can’t understand one another. Instead, this is only to point out the right to be particularly unique.
We might be close in similarities or in proximity; we might have mutual understandings of what we see or we might be able to relate through a mutual experience, or we might have a likewise response to the natures around us, but as for the actual feel or touch or sights of the world around you, no one knows what you see. No one knows exactly how you feel or how you interpret the information you store in your mind.
As a specialist, I was taught to understand that people have the right to be unique. We have the right to claim what we think or feel. We have the right to own our life as well as the right to our own perception, which is not true. However, our perception of life or to the world around us is certainly true to us.
I never tell anyone I know exactly how you feel.
I never say this because it can’t be true.
When I worked in emergency rooms after overdoses, I never told anyone what I knew about their life. I never told them “everything is going to be alright” or that I knew how they felt.
When I answered calls for suicide prevention, I never told anyone “been there, done that” or talked to them in that kind of way.
Instead, I allowed them to tell me what they were thinking.
I don’t know exactly what you think or feel. I don’t know what your interpretation of hot or cold is or heavy or weightless. I don’t know how anyone interprets light or space and/or the distance between me and them. I only know what I see.
I know me. You know you.
I know my experiences. You know yours.
And if there’s an “us” which, to me, I know there is and will always be an “us,” then collectively, we will know what we went through together. To me, this is what makes our relationship so valuable and meaningful because no one else in the world can ever say they went through what we did.
Now, wait –
Before I get to my point, I am placing this here to leave at an understandable level and to open this up to a relatable stature. I want to be clear that while different, our similarities might not always match. And that’s fine.
But to each person is the core of their drive. With each person is their own drive, their own reason, their own purpose and lastly, everyone has their own specific destiny.
I know my interpretations of words and situations. I know my history.
I know about my perception of what happened to me. As for the space between us or the space between myself and the world, I only understand the distance between me and others from my own point of view.
My understanding of my life has taught me about my own personal disorders or emotional challenges. I know all about my social disabilities, to which I say this here: I despise these terms.
I reject the word disability. I reject the stigmas and the judgments.
I reject the mottos I hear about phycological safety because there’s always going to be judgment, and so long as there is there will always be marginalized people. For whatever the reason or the difference may be, there will always be judgment. So, rather than seek the comfort of a leveled playing field, I have decided to mind my own game and whether the fields slope my way or not; no one can stop me from playing at my best.
I reject the weakness I experienced when hearing certain judgments or diagnosis; and more, I reject the social anxiousness and the imposter syndrome which, in my case, was brought on by my experiences and my biased assumptions and histories.
I have decided to reject the old mottos and the old labels and the old diagnosis.
I reject this because I used to allow this to define me. To be clear with my point, I want to explain that while I do understand what it’s like to have challenges in life and mental health challenges from my own perspective, I understand that my understanding is subjective to me.
So, therefore, I am offering this disclaimer.
At the same time, I will ask that you remove the direction of judgment. Rather than look at my reaction; focus on the core and recognize the honest similarities that exist between us as people.
Everyone has bouts.
We all have fears and insecurities.
We all have secrets too.
I have mine and you have yours, which is fine.
But me –
I used to live with social intimidation. I lived with positional intimidation and educationally, I used to believe that my lack of a traditional education made me somewhat lacking as a person and as a professional as well. I thought that this made me stupid or for lack of a better term (and please forgive me) I used to think this made me retarded.
I used to see the world in different levels of social, economical, professional and educational value. I used to have my struggles and bouts with insecurity so I allowed this to put me down.
I allowed this to limit my perspective in which, essentially, I’d see myself as lesser or lower, as in beneath or not as valuable.
The truth is – no.
I don’t have a typical or traditional education. I never really got out of the ninth grade either. My educational background is not the same as someone who walked with a cap and gown across a stage and received a diploma.
I never had a high school experience. I never had much of a college experience either.
But, what does that mean?
What does this make me?
Does this mean that I am lower or less worthy?
The answer is obviously no.
Yet, there are areas of talent which I have that exist only to me. There are levels of expertise that I have which solely belong to me. So, this means that I am an expert at what I do. To be clear, it took me years to be able to say this. To be even more clear, it took me a long time to understand that I have the right to say this.
Years back, I was told the dreams I have are unreachable because now that I’m late in the game and due to my age, my goals are not just unreachable but nearly impossible.
I was told that due my lack of education and due to the lack of professional experience and perhaps due to certain mental histories and challenges; I was taken less-seriously or seen as less-capable or, in some cases, I was outright told that I wasn’t a good fit for certain places.
I used to take this personally.
I used to believe that I was seen as somewhat educationally handicapped or “special” in the sense that while I might be functional, capable and able; I used to give in to the wasteful ideas that something about me was “too different” to fit or succeed.
I’d like to walk you through the intimidations of my day.
Now, again, this is not to place me in a special needs category, nor is this to claim my disorders (or so-called disorders) as weakness; nor is this to say that since I have been labeled with items such as medicated-resistant depression, social and general anxiety disorder, or if we collect this information and add it with substance and alcohol abuse or use disorders, and if we connect this with the stigmas we’ve been taught about or the stigmas and the shames that come with suicidal ideation (which has been life-long to me); I would like the record to reflect that yes, I experience personal intimidations on a daily basis.
I have had to learn ways to handle this, as if this thinking were the voice of a child in mid-tantrum, and to save myself from social embarrassment or strain, i had to find ways to calm that child within. No, the task is not always easy.
I have pathways of thinking that move in a habitual way which I have had to make painstaking efforts to learn how to adapt to my thoughts and find new ways of thinking.
I had to create this for myself so that I could find relief or, at a minimum, that I could feel better,
at least a little bit.
I have lived with the ongoing assumption that people dislike me. Worse, I have the assumption that most people hate me, that they see me as retarded and stupid.
I have lived with rejective thinking for as long as I can remember.
I have lived with the assumption that everything can and will go wrong.
It’s just a matter of time.
Yes, I’ve allowed this to destroy my sanity.
I have had panic attacks to the point where I had to excuse myself so that I could vomit.
I have had vomiting fits before going forward to do a presentation because, contrary to how I may seem to others, I am petrified of people.
I have social anxiety which makes absolutely no sense to anyone else because, in fact, I do public speaking all the time.
There are times when my aches and pains are imaginary or perhaps hallucinatory. To me, I have seen my thinking act in a way that warps my sense of reality.
I think myself into losses that haven’t even taken place yet and in my worst case scenario, I assume the worst and prepare for the worst to get even worse than that.
This was my Phase One. Like you or anyone else, I had to learn what my Phase Two would look like. I had to create a useful and helpful standard of actions so that to replace my thoughts with actions and to redefine my sanity; I had to learn how to separate myself from all the fears and the challenges above.
I had to learn how to stop my own freakouts and meltdowns.
I had to learn how to defy myself and challenge my historic assumptions so that I could create a new existence and, essentially, working on a new “present,” allowed me the ability to create a new history that was different from my old ones.
I had to understand something:
The key to proper maintenance on a personal and emotional level is to eliminate unnecessary waste. I had to eliminate my old thinking; as in the wasteful time I spent on trying to prove myself or trying to prove that I belong or that I “can do it.”
I stopped wasting time, trying to prove that I’m valid or worthy of attention.
I had to step away from the different divisions of status and the status-minded thinking that led me back to old intimidations. No, I am not like anyone else.
I’m not someone with degrees on my wall.
I don’t have the same background as anyone else. However, I say this with pride now as opposed to the way I used to say this which was with shame and regret.
At the basis of personal empowerment, the question becomes who are you looking to impress?
Who are you seeking approval from?
Who are you choosing when looking to seek acceptance?
I ask this because the truth is, acceptance comes from within.
Therefore –
I defy the stigmas and connections with mental or emotional disabilities. I reject them because in my life, this limited me to the best assumption that, at best, my potential to be anything “more” was and would always be limited to the commonality of a certain diagnosis or social judgments and stigmas.
I used to struggle. Big time!
I used to think that I had to prove myself. I thought I would have to claw or kill and fight to claim my place in the circle.
I used to think I had to convince everyone that I deserved to be where I was. Or, because I lacked or believed that I was lacking the typical and traditional education or experience; I used to submit myself to the wasteful ideas that I didn’t belong.
I sincerely believed that I was being judged not too differently from the person whose special needs can only limit them to simple physical labor because they lacked the ability or the capacity to do anything more than pack bags or ask, “paper or plastic?”
But more, I used to believe in these limitations to the point where all of this was true to me.
Rather than play the game straight, I used to think that I would have to cheat to get ahead.
Rather than believe that I could make it as I am, I used to believe that I had to enhance my truths. I’d have to act and embellish my stories so that somehow, this would make me more attractive or “cool” to say the least.
Rather than understand that I am perfect as I am; and rather than understand that yes, I have obstacles in front of me; I never thought that I could turn my obstacles into opportunities or my problems into possibilities.
I had to learn this. I had to change my patterns of thinking.
I had to step out on a daily basis so that I could learn how to defy my thinking.
Again, I say this is subjective, but this is me . . .
My Phase Three is to rid myself of the waste, which is not just my thinking but also I had to decide to separate myself from the people, places and things that held me back.
I chose to navigate away from the things that led me to backslide into unhelpful or old and default ways of thinking.
When it came to my sanity and the basis of my empowerment, I had to choose me.
I chose to rid myself of the wasteful ideas that triggered my catastrophic thinking.
I had to step away from the internal judgment and yes, there are times when the meter goes off and the thoughts come in.
There are times when I can notice my thinking is tilting in an unfair direction.
My anxiety picks up and my anticipation of what comes next can be punishing.
This is where I’ve learned to step in.
This is how I use my phases of change so that I can improve and, at last, so I can feel better.
It doesn’t matter if people judge me
(or you)
What matters most is the way we judge ourselves.
What matters is rather than allow ourselves to be our own worst critic or bully, we can be our own best friend and hero.
Otherwise, how else can we fall in love with life?
How else can we save our own life on a daily basis?
Forget about the titles and the diplomas.
Forget about the flashy things people buy.
Forget about the slope of the playing field or whether its fair or not.
Just play!
Get rid of the waste. And go forward.
Trust me – you are far more miraculous than you could possibly imagine.
As for me –
Am I miraculous?
A long time ago, I was told not to quit before the miracle happens.
I didn’t realize that the miracle happens every day.
I didn’t realize that I am a miracle.
We all are.
The fact that we’ve survived so much and accomplished another day, and the fact that we have made it as far as we have without calling it quits, even if we thought we did quit; the fact is, we’re still here and we’re still together.
We are still “swinging for the fences” as they say.
We might not have everything we want
(just yet)
But no one can say that we gave up.
I’ll leave you with this:
Frederick Douglass said, “without struggle, there can be no progress.”
As far as I can tell, everyone struggles.
But that’s what makes us miracles.
We just fail to see it sometimes.
That’s all.
Then again, I suppose that’s why I come here
So I can see you
So I can get rid of the waste in my head
So I can feel better and make it to the game so I can play it straight, and not think that somehow, I’m too weak or disabled – because I’m not . . .
None of us are –
No matter what the stigmas tell us.
The Written Addiction 