The Rebirth of Sanity – Phase Five: We Begin Within

Years back a friend of mine told me to learn how to build bridges, not walls.
I thought about this. I think there are reasons for walls. I think that’s what doors are created for too and inasmuch as I can tell, there are people who deserve the bridge and others who deserve the door to be closed.
I can say this with all certainty.
I can say that yes, there are people who have grown angry because they didn’t get their way.
I can say that yes, I have seen people throw tantrums or become outraged because I drew a line and yes; it is reasons like this that I am fortunate my boundaries exist.
But wait –
There’s more . . .

My friend also told me that wars are expensive and I agree with him.
Wars are expensive in more ways than one. However, the most expensive and costly battles that I have had are certainly the battles from within. So, the question that was more empowering and helpful to me is how do I define where to place walls and doors and how do I understand who is free to cross the bridge and who deserves the closed door?

I asked myself a simple question this morning.
What is gravity?
I even looked this up.
The definition of gravity is the force that attracts a body to the center of the earth or towards any other physical body having mass. Also, gravity is defined as something extreme or of the utmost importance or seriousness. I get that too.

I know that Earth’s gravity is what keeps us on the ground. I know this is what makes things fall, right?.
I know there’s the laws of gravity and the theories of gravity.
Also, I know that some laws can be broken and other laws cannot. In this sense, the weight of our lives and the gravity of our existence might be relative for sure. Yet, the truth is we all have weight. We are all spinning around the sun on what I call, Project Earth, which is an otherwise huge contraption of a world, always moving at a steady pace and always tilted on an axis. As we go once more around the sun, the world goes, and always moves.
We know this.
So, hello world.

Here we are on this rock, which I have selected to call Project Earth. To each is their own fate and their own destination which, in a sense, sounds starry or cosmic and amazing to me, or even hopeful.
At the same time, there is a sense of distance or unlikeliness too.
There’s a concern or a worry that in the scheme of this great big puzzle that we call life, the questions become, where do I fit and what do I do if I don’t fit where I think I belong?

I know that we all have substance. We all have matter and depth. We all also have our own sense of gravity. We all have our own purpose. As for attractions to other masses, I know that my attractions belong to me. I know that what I attract might not be attractive to others, which is fine. I know where I want to be and yes, the gravitational pull towards this dream of mine is more than just magnetic because, to me, this dream is primarily undeniable.

I know about me and my personal weight. I know about this because, of course, I am my own body.
I know this all too well. I know about the perceived weight of my faults and flaws. I understand in great depths about the weights of my past, which are more imaginary than actual.
I know about my hardships and the weight of my fears.
I mention these things because I used to try to hide from this. I used to try and run. I would try and get away; but again, the saying on this is true: No matter where you go, there you are.
I used to try and defy this law.
I used to look to become weightless. I used to seek shelter in my stormy times. When life was too heavy, which was often (it seemed) I used to try and reverse this so-called polarity, and to switch from heavy to light, I used to try anything at all to experience the absence of gravity. Or, better put, I’d have done anything to find the absence of my weight because, in fact, life can be pretty heavy.

It’s always been amazing to me; the sky at night and the stars and how big things seem. Yet, we are no bigger than atoms or molecules in comparison to the universe.

The world spins –
You can’t feel it.
But you know what it’s doing.
You can tell this is happening because the day becomes night and night becomes morning.
Life changes –
You might not always feel it or be so aware,
but you know this is happening.
You might not like it. Or you might not be in love with your choices.
But that’s not the point –
Life is always happening.
My life. Your life.
We are both two examples who exist here on Project Earth.

I have another question which I asked myself this morning.
If I am a so-called mass in this world or an object, or if I’m a body in this world, then to avoid the unfair crashes or to steer clear of the unfortunate collisions, what can I do to protect myself?
Better yet, what are my personal boundaries?
What does this mean?
The answer I came up with was limits, laws or rules that we come up with as people, or guidelines that we set for ourselves and for others so that we can co-exist with each other in a healthy way. So that we can create, build, withstand and maintain or nurture our relationships to the best of our abilities.

We have different boundaries for different reasons. We have workplace and professional boundaries. We have physical and intimate boundaries. We have personal relationship boundaries and ones that change between friends and acquaintances.
We have emotional boundaries too. This is the line we have been talking about.
Remember?
This is why my last entry mentioned the need to understand the value and the extent of our turf, which means that we understand the span of our jurisdiction. We know where we begin and end. And the same goes for the other people in our life.
We have to understand what the difference between acceptable and unacceptable treatment is. Also, we have to understand the difference between a simple mistake and rather than persecute or socially execute someone for an interpersonal error, we need to understand the volume between this and an undefendable item.
No one has the right to hurt anyone. However, not every hurtful thing is done intentionally and better, we can learn from these things. Or we can understand who refuses to learn their lessons; in which case, we can make the wise or healthy decision to navigate away from people like this, or we can limit our exposure to them – to keep ourselves safe.

Understanding our boundaries is also a statement that shows an understanding of our worth. This also shows that we understand the value of our time. If we address this loosely or if we have loose boundaries, this equals a misunderstanding of our own importance. Hence, if we allow ourselves to be imposed upon or if we refuse to secure our own private borders, it is natural that we will succumb to the unfairness of others because, simply, no one can advocate for us the way we need to advocate for ourselves.

If we allow for poor treatment –
Then rest assured, poor treatment will come.

I used to tell people that I’m never bothered when an enemy growls at me.
Although, I used to be.
I used to take everything personally. I still do sometimes.
In fact, I was thinking about someone specifically while writing this to you.
I do not like this person. I don’t like what they do or how they treat people. More specifically, I don’t appreciate the way they treat me. So, I write this to you as a humble participant in this journey.

I used to live in a state of constant threat which is not a life that I look to revisit.
Everything was so goddamn heavy and intense. There was always something ‘wrong” or there was always something about to take place; and of course, I bought the farm, which means I bought the catastrophes and the expected tragedies in my mind. I signed up for the fights that were expected or about to happen which, essentially, I fulfilled my self-fulfilled prophecies and said things like, “look, see? I told you so!”

I used to allow myself to be bothered by slander. I would let my so-called enemies encroach and in my head, I would take this to the next level; therefore; I would essentially rid myself of my own peace. 
I had to stop this . . .

I am no longer allowing myself to be moved when a so-called enemy or adversary snarls or growls or reduces themselves to slander me.
This is who they are. This is what they do.
Not me.
Who would they be if they did otherwise?
Aside from their aggression or their character assassinations, what else would they have on me?
How else could they possibly hurt me?
The answer is simple because other than this, they have nothing – unless I give it to them.

So yes, maybe they growl or they snarl and show teeth.
They’re an enemy. This is what they do. 
But me, I have grown folk business to tend to.
I have a dream I want to build and a place I need to see in New Mexico.

However, living in the constant state of flight or fight; I used to succumb to this.
I used to give into this and meanwhile, there was an incredible world moving all around me.
There were steady streams of opportunity; all of them missed because my attention was elsewhere.
I was too busy and distracted because I was worried about being right or to be valid. I was too busy looking to defend my position.
I was too busy being elsewhere to be in the moment, or to enjoy the people who matter to me the most. 
I allowed this to separate me from the best people in my world. As a parent, with all of my humility, I admit to this as one of my faults which hurt the relationship between a father and his daughter.

In order for me to rebuild or resurrect my so-called sanity, I had to stop forfeiting my sanity to either unjust causes or unjust mindsets.
I had to stop pulling the threads that seemed to do nothing else but continue to unravel.
Otherwise, I would only waste my time –
Worrying!

No, I had to draw a line. I had to recognize my jurisdiction and that yes, I have the right to set rules and laws. I have the right to set the standards and to reverse the weight upon my shoulders. I have the right to implement and enforce my boundaries because my boundaries begin within. 

My biggest growth spurt took place at the very moment when I decided to step away. This came when I made the conscious decision to remove myself from the slander pools.
I stepped away from the gossip mills and the rumor factories.
I decided to reaffirm my worth and to recognize that not only do I have value, but that my time is also highly valuable, which means that I do not have time to waste on senseless or useless arguments. I do not need to prove myself or look for others to validate me or my work. I do not have to find acceptance outside of myself. But instead, I have to begin this within myself. 

This was my first law of setting boundaries because upon my realization, I realized that people can and will look to get what they can, as easily as they can, and if I allow people to intrude, then to them, it’s no intrusion at all because I have always allowed this to take place. 

The old version of me used to allow for the internal arguments with people in my life who insulted me in my past. In expectation for a future insult and to prepare myself (just in case that son of a bitch does it again), I have interacted with the narrative that set an expectation for a future battle.
This does not help me nor does this help anyone when it comes to the rebirth of our sanity. All this does is incite the riots of our internal brat and disrupts the moment. There are more than 7 billion people in this world yet here we are, wasting time on the least valuable people in our life. 

I will tell you that drawing the line and setting your boundaries is more than understanding when to say yes or no. To add more value, this supports our growing system and promotes an improved sense of self.
Weak or loose boundaries allow for impositions and outside influences to take advantage. This allows for unacceptable treatment which, to us and our sanity, this translates to a lower sense of self-worth. 

I used to get phone calls at all hours of the night from people who were sick or looking to get help. I used to give my time away far too freely, I might add.
I used to look to people-please or try to impress people because this was a symbolized opinion of my personal worth. Had I never changed my boundaries or decided to change the parameters of my relationships; or had I never changed the rules of my interaction or the regulations of my business, I would always be the one seeking acceptance.
I would always be the one seeking and never be the one who’s sought. But more, I would never be a priority to myself.
Had I never changed this, I might not have decided to redefine the rebirth of my sanity.

I had to give myself value, which was my first lesson in boundaries.
I had to change the way I interacted with people and when asked, “But why? You’ve always done this for me before . . .”
I chose to answer, “Yes, and I’m glad I was able to do it. But I have to take care of myself too. Understand?”
In fairness, they understood.
In all honesty, did they like this?
Did they like that I chose to honor myself first?
I’m sure the answer is not particularly . . .
I used to get phone calls in the middle of the night from people who were sick or in withdrawal. I used to hear them, hardly able to speak clearly, too sick or too uncomfortable to make sense, and in their moments of havoc and crisis, all they wanted was some help.
I get that –

Emergencies are emergencies.
There’s an allowance for this.
However, I have also seen what happens when people take advantage.
I have been witness to the great outpour of emotional dumping – and you hear them say, “I know you got to go but, one more thing.”
Only, it’s never just one more thing. 

In Phase Five of our rebirth of sanity, we are going to define our boundaries and to improve our life. To transformationally grow, we are going to leave the value of our standard and to place honor where honor belongs, which is within. 

Martin Luther King said, “Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.”
I say this is true
but, I say this begins within too.
No?