Knowing where we are, even if where we are at is neither a good nor comfortable space is important. To understand where we are means we know what we need to do next. Yet sometimes, the task of doing what’s next or understanding what’s next can be challenging or confusing to say the least.
Sometimes, the boundaries are set, which means doing the next right thing is intimidating. And, it’s not that we don’t know what to do. It’s not like we’re unsure of what needs to be done. It’s more of the worries and the intimidation that keep us locked in a situation where we placate the different sides because we’re too afraid to move or pull the trigger.
I know this for sure. I also know that where we are and where we are at are due to a combination of facts.
I understand this from a real-life perspective. Yes, I live a real life. Yes, I have a personal life. And no, there are parts of my life which are not fit for broadcast. While I put myself out there each day, I realize that I am equally a person in this world who is just as lost and just as afraid as anyone else.
I would like to say that life comes easy. And maybe it does for some people. I would like to say that difficult choices are over complicated and less harsh than we think. Or I could say that a decision deferred is something that can lead to a mushroom cloud of events. I can say that I have seen this in my own life and that knowing where I was and doing nothing about it is something that led me to unfortunate outcomes.
I can say this is true because I’ve lived with this too.
I am not above anything. I am no better nor worse.
However, I learn time and time again that understanding where we are is more important than we think.
Being honest about where we are is more important than we think because in my fears for the downfalls ahead or the arguments or in my intimidation to do what’s next or to pull the trigger, I allowed my decisions to be deferred. Hence, the sediments of my surroundings grew bigger and heavier. The more I stalled, the more intimidating the decisions became.
So I stayed in poor choices and lived in scenarios that could have been changed. All this took was the decision to be honest and step forward.
In addition, I learned that others pay for our indecisions too (almost like unknowing (hostages).
I write this as a person in a new chapter of my life and in a new position. While playing a new role, I offer this personally and humbly; equally, I offer this wholeheartedly too.
Knowing where you stand and not acting on this leads to hurt and pain for others around us.
I wish, of course, there was a rewind button in life.
But there isn’t.
I wish there was a time when we could call for a do-over, like when we were kids.
But there isn’t.
I wish the most valuable choices in our life were easier.
But they aren’t.
Understanding our boundaries also means that we understand where we are in our life. To be true to those boundaries, we have to be honest about them. But more importantly, we have to have the willingness to do what’s necessary.
I say this now. And again, I say this humbly, or as someone else in this world with mistakes on my jacket and scars in my heart (and on my skin).
I say this as a person who talks about mental health and the benefits of positivity and positive living. Yet, I say this as someone who is easily guilty of following the opposite direction.
Yes. I’ve done the right things and the wrong things.
And yes, guilty as charged, I am imperfect.
I understand this.
I also understand that at times when the outcomes from events like this took on a greater or more hurtful proportion, the reasons for my downfalls and the reasons for the hurt that didn’t need to take place is something that happened because I was not honest about where I was.
This is why I mentioned how boundaries begin within.
Know where you are.
Know what you want
And –
if what you have or if what you see is not what you want, then by all means, take a step back and look at what needs to be done to change it.
There are times when we can’t save our feelings. More importantly, there are times when we can’t save the feelings of others in our life.
As hard as the truth may be, the truth is necessary.
To be clear, I’ve lied before.
I’ve tried to save my face instead of my ass, to which I am reminded of the saying: You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.
Life changes. People change.
Feelings change.
Either way, fate has a strange way of taking over.
Fate steps in and whether we balk or procrastinate, or whether we stall because we’re afraid to open up, or to be honest with ourselves, our actions and our lives, fate has a way of stepping in and taking a turn.
I see this now in my own life. Hence, the journals and the honest outpouring regarding the events in my life, which although vague to some degree (and because not everything is suitable for publication or public consumption) I am a person in this world who even with my faults and all; I still have to find a way to wake up, get up, dress up and show up on a daily basis from now until the end of my time.
I do not offer this as a means of advice. Nor do I claim to be a guru of some kind.
I’m not a mental health know-it-all.
No, I am a regular, garden variety, normal everyday, dysfunctional addition to this world. However, I am fortunate to have the wherewithal to call myself out. I have the ability to understand my thoughts and how to trace them back.
This is how I learn.
I am fortunate that while I might not have much at the time, or that I might not have many people who I speak with at a heart-to-heart level, at least I have this (and you) and I have some kind of outlet where I can lay down my sword and shield and sit for a few minutes to be honest with someone.
Currently, I am about to undergo a change in life.
Currently, I am about to deal with some uphill challenges and changes that will certainly take some time to work through. However, I am also working through challenges that would have been avoided had I taken the steps to understand where I was. And accordingly, had I made the choices to be true to this, the upcoming obstacles would have been avoided. Hence the importance of knowing where we stand and having the courage to do what’s needed.
But this is life. This is hindsight.
This is where we learn our lessons.
This is why I journal about my life. If this is helpful to anyone then, by all means, I’m grateful to hear it.
If this is unhelpful or disturbing, then I sincerely apologize.
But this is where I am.
I am at square one after a decision to make a change was deferred and took too long.
The good thing about fate is once it happens, and once the inevitable comes to light, at least we can figure out our next move – because there’s no more time to defer our decisions. Now, if we choose to, we can change our direction.
We can alter our decisions towards living the life we want instead of living the life we’ve had.
Today is day one (so-to-speak).
Let’s see what we plan to do with it.
The Written Addiction 