There is a cycle of life to which, of course, we all know about.
We all go through births and rebirths of different kinds. We experience life in new ways and yes, death is very much a part of life. To be clear, death comes in different ways. This is more than the literal sense and equally figurative, life is segmented into chapters and separated in moments of befores and afters.
We all go through moments of realization and well all know about the before as well as the after. These are the details that make up the chapters of our life.
We lived through the before. But here we are now –
After . . . .
We will experience new opportunities. We will say goodbye to old patterns and old routines. Life will change and, certainly, life will always move and evolve. Life will always come with challenges and victories, hopes, and even discouragements.
Life comes with new introductions and moments when somehow, fate takes its turn and allows us to circle back to either someone or to someplace in time.
But as intended in the saying, “Into each life, a little rain must fall,” the saying is true. Sadly, we go through loss. We experience moments of grief. We will experience heartache and pain as well as betrayal or the feelings that come with foolishness. Make no mistake, there are going to be fights and arguments and fallouts that go beyond measure.
I don’t know why we drift apart or why we connect. I don’t know why we change. And I certainly don’t know why we hurt each other in life. I mean, I understand some of this on an intellectual level; however, from an emotional perspective, it’s hard for me to grasp this because the mind always wants to understand why?
Why do we think what we think?
Why do we feel what we feel?
When it comes to matters of the heart and when pain registers, the mind is unsure why or how pain can register without the physical or visual understanding or a break in the skin or a cut or a bruise.
It is true that some of our best gains can come from some of our biggest losses.
I call that recovery.
We can grow. We can heal. We can find ourselves in the midst of pain and sadness and we can be lost or otherwise hopeless, yet we can recover.
We can adapt and learn.
We can meet new people. We can change our patterns of living and allow ourselves to reach the next best plateau.
We can open ourselves up to a new opportunity.
We can mourn and we can weep. We can honor our thoughts and our feelings and yes, some of our losses may seem too deep to overcome.
Some of our biggest heartaches can seem unrelenting and unfair and whether we are seeing through eyes that are opened or closed, we can learn from every loss and advance with every gain.
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I was told that you only live once.
I was also told that this was not true and that we live every day but we only die once. Then I was told neither of these are true. We live and die countless times throughout our life.
We open new chapters and close old ones. We experience losses and gains and we live on an ongoing basis. Rather than pick apart the details over which theory is best, it makes more sense to find the theory that works best for you.
Hence, these journal entries and my secret letters to you.
Since we are talking about establishing healthy boundaries, it pays to be honest about our thoughts and our feelings.
There is no reason to dissect them or over-analyze anything.
No, being honest about them is enough.
I see no reason to say things to anyone like, “Don’t feel that way.” or “don’t think like that,” because in all reality, the thoughts are real and so are the feelings.
Telling someone “not” to have these things makes no sense.
We are all entitled to our thoughts, feelings and our emotions.
So –
Going forward, the honesty behind our approach is not to lament or to harbor resentments or to rehash what took place and keep the hardships fresh.
No, this is not helpful.
Part of our personal contract is to build upon our foundation. While there are times when our rebuild is stalled or at a halt; still, our aim is to progress at least one step on a daily basis.
This is our first guideline. Since our personal restoration begins from within, it is primary that our personal contract acknowledges our rights to either improve or recover or to advance on a daily basis.
It would be inaccurate to say that every relationship begins or ends well.
It would also be inaccurate to say that all of our relationships are perfect. But fine. Then so be it.
Nothing is perfect; at least not as far as perfection goes.
No one is perfect yet, in life, the deaths of our past and the lessons from our moments of pain are allowed to equal a new chapter with new hopes and new beginnings.
Not all losses are set to be permanent.
Not all of our figurative deaths have to be so tragic that we cannot begin again or recuperate our best intentions.
Also, not everything has to be so catastrophic.
No, the world will come with ups and downs; hence, in this contract we’re about to sign and in our best defense, we have the right to create this document and amend each page as we go along.
We can dedicate ourselves to either finding, nourishing or building the courage it takes to move on or to heal and advance. We all have the right to move onwards. We have the right to change our minds. We have the right to forgive ourselves. We have the right to leave the past behind us and allow the newness of our next best moment to take its place.
It is easy to feel sorrow. It is easy to entertain the five fingers of rejective thinking, which again, these are blame, shame, guilt, fault and regret.
It is easy to lose to the catastrophes which come from the deception of our perception. And too, it is easy to mistake paranoia for the depths of depressive thinking; in which case, the two may appear the same but more, depressive assumptions become the expectation due to a feeling and an emotional chemistry that gears us towards an unfortunate expectation.
I would rather call this out honestly than hide from it or deny its existence.
In my life, I have been touched by so many and I hope that I have done the same in return.
In my life, I have seen great things. I’ve seen a soccer ball enter the net after being kicked by me when I was a kid on a last place soccer team.
I’ve seen snowfalls in the mountains. I’ve seen the snow take over the empty branches of trees on the mountains.
I’ve seen the sun come up while fishing at sea. And I’ve seen a full moon while drifting in the ocean, far away from where mankind is and far from where my problems were at the time.
In fact, I could use a night like this, although, its beauty is so strong that perhaps, the purity of this could sting.
I’ve not seen too many places nor have I ever left the country. I’m a New Yorker. Absolutely, I am.
But as for my travels, I’ve not seen too many places. Maybe these are the cards I was given, which is fine.
But, I have seen the Hollywood sign. I saw the sunset at a place called Imperial Beach.
I’ve gone through the revolving doors of life and in my cycles, I have experienced terrible losses and deep tragic moments.
I have been on a first name basis with depression for as long as I can remember – and perhaps even before I can remember, somehow, I know there was always a laced flavor of some kind of discontent.
I have seen violence. I’ve seen hate.
I have seen racism at its coldest gesture, up close and personal, and I’ve seen fights and rage and, of course; I’ve seen the aftermath of these events to which, it amazes me how none of these games come with any winners. Yet, we still play them.
I have committed sins and crimes and hurt the people who chose to be close to me.
And I have been hurt by them as well. I am no saint, nor do I claim to be one.
Quite oppositely, I call out my character flaws and mistakes and sins because whether I am good or great, I don’t ever want to be a fraud (ever again).
I have lost so many things and so many people yet each day, once more, I earn the right to gain my life back.
It is certainly obvious that I write these journals from a selfish approach. It is also obvious that I nurture my internal underdog, because this is the person within me who refuses to give way or to surrender to emotion.
I am sorry for the things I cannot repair or fix and, to be clear, this is not being hard on myself nor is this self-deprecating.
No. I call this honesty.
I call this a means to an end and by calling out my truths, I can allow them to fuel my new beginnings as I say goodbye to an unfortunate end.
Nothing is forever. Certainly, not loss or suffering. Since this is true, this means that while the same laws apply for joy and happiness, our new life in a forward-facing scene can be designated towards our new best life.
I always go back to what my Mother used to tell me.
“No one ever promised you a rose garden.”
Life is going to come with tragedies.
Yes. This will happen.
Life is going to come with heartache. Absolutely.
This will happen too.
But, I can say that each day will come with a new sunrise. Each morning has the right to be different from the last.
Of course, now that we have set the boundary and now that we have decided to begin from within; at last, we have the internal awareness and understanding that can support and push us towards more than healing our wounds. We can also find ourselves at the doorsteps of our best new life.
I am sorry when life does not turn out easily. I’m sorry for the crimes of the heart, which take place in every life. I am sorry for the moments which I overlooked our value and I am sorry that yesterday is gone and that I cannot change what I said or did.
However, in my contract of self; I have created a new stipulation which allows me to advance and call out my worthiness, regardless of any hardship against me or the hurt feelings that I may have caused.
In my search for sanity, I have carved out a special feature in my new contract with self.
And while I am not perfect with this and still improving, I have updated the personal terms in the boundaries that begin from within.
It’s clear that times change. It’s clear that relationships start and come to an end.
It’s clear that not everyone will be a fan of me (or you) and it’s clear that there will be hard feelings or hurt feelings, and even at times when there is bad blood and bad feelings, you and me . . .
We have value.
We have worth.
We have an entire world, to which we are free to explore and to see.
We are free to endure. We are free to find the clarity it takes to clarify our greatest hopes to create our greatest picture – or, better yet, to fulfill our greatest life.
The reasons for these last few entries that deal with the boundaries that begin from within is because without beginning from within, and without establishing our roots and supporting the foundation and our platform to which we look to build from, although we hurt and although the pain may seem great at times, we can heal.
Absolutely, we can.
We can certainly recover and we can definitely overcome anything we choose.
However, for this to happen, we have to decide when and where to begin, to which I always go back to the quote from St Francis.
Start by doing what’s necessary;
then do what’s possible;
and suddenly,
you are doing the impossible.
This is how I have to start my day.
I’ve even created this as a stipulation in my daily contract with myself.
I have to find the courage.
I have to find my way. Get ready. Reach out.
And make things so.
This is my daily contract
Signed on the dotted line.
The Written Addiction 