There were times in my life when I used to think about the art of war.
I would think about the moments of heated debates and the hurt feelings or the battles we face. I would think about love or what it was like to be loveless and alone; or worse, to have no one there who truly understood, which is deeper than just a typical connection.
I have talked to you about the secret of endurance. This is crucial.
I have talked to you about how to survive another day, even when survival seems like too much to ask. Whether we thought we could make it or not; we have talked about the values of our uprising accomplishments to which we overcome more than we thought we could.
We’ve talked about personal survival tactics and the old cafeteria fears that come from when we were kids.
Remember?
This comes from back when we were learning how to socialize with the different pods of kids on the playground or with the varying and separate herds of popularity.
I used to struggle with this. At times, my worries get the best of me.
And at times, my thoughts turned out to be unfair.
Or, even tragic . . .
My fear was to be weak. Always.
My fear was to be vulnerable and to be taken advantage of or worse, lied to. Even worse than that, my biggest fear was to come and find out that not only was I the last to get the punchline; my biggest fear was that I’d find out the joke was on me. Sometimes it was (or so it seemed).
I used to worry that I would be seen as meaningless or unworthy, yet I wondered how one survives in a social atmosphere. How do people make it without taking on too much damage?
We’ve gone over this, you and I.
We’ve talked about how this affects our lives and impacts our relationships.
And it does. Big time!
But life happens.
Every day.
However, there are options and measures we can take.
There are the abilities to make changes in our life.
We can choose to engage or to disengage and find a new direction.
We can take on anything. We can recover too, and faster than we believe.
To be clear, we’ve detailed that our biggest victories took place because we never quit.
This is absolutely true.
Sometimes the ugliness of life reveals an unexpected beauty. To me, this beauty is something I might not have seen or known about until that one day came when I was more alone than ever, perhaps desperate too or sad, and just like that – light came on and a rebirth took place.
“I don’t have to play this game anymore.”
I might be alone, but I’m not living a life that does not belong to me either nor am I living with a person who doesn’t belong to me.
No one is worth the sacrifice of our sanity or the sad, tragic thoughts of lamenting ideas of past mistakes that can never be changed.
I have talked and thought and written in great lengths about the fight to reconcile myself with “self.”
I have thought and discussed the importance of perseverance and how, in the past, we never gave in or submitted to the weights of an unfair judge.
However, there are times (like now) when it’s time to let go.
There are times when we have to stop and rather than fight to lose, we have to surrender to win!
We have to choose this otherwise we lose to the quicksand emotions that tend to get worse
(not better).
This is part of the line we need to draw.
This is part of the new internal contract which frees us.
So, rather than contend with the unbeatable or change the unchangeable, we can accept ourselves and the situations we are in.
To go forward, we can choose our options regardless of whether we like them or not. Rather than suffer –
we can heal and begin again.
After the impasse and beyond the unsolvable differences is a moment when we can either walk away or we can do the same things and expect a different result.
Then again, after all, this is the common definition of insanity.
Doing the same thing over and over again –
The crazy part is we know the results are going to be the same.
Perhaps there’s hope. Maybe.
Perhaps this reflects a need or a desire; however, needs and desires can be adjusted for a more perfect fit.
I go back to my previous thought:
Surrender to win. . .
We can change. We can hang up the phone.
We can never dial that number again.
We can give ourselves the permission to improve and step away from a place that was never intended for us in the first place.
And yes, I can relate to wishful thinking.
I can relate to the hopes that maybe, just maybe . . .
it could work.
Even more, I can relate to the years gone by of hoping or believing that one day, this big thing might come true.
Maybe it will still come true, but in a different way and on a different plane of existence.
Rather than wait or hope or pray, we can make a move.
We can decide to redeem our self-esteem.
We can take a step or make a turn in a new direction.
It’s okay.
It’s time.
And so you know, this is not quitting.
No, this is not the same thing.
There are times I am aware of that whether conflicts of the heart take place or even when the heart is overwhelmed, or maybe I’m love-sick or starved for attention, but in spite of our feelings is the understanding that yes, not everything is meant to be and that not everything is what we thought it would be (or expected).
Rather than suffer or lament, we can surrender to the facts and celebrate the lessons we learned along the way.
As for me –
I am a person who is in love with love.
Absolutely
I say this hopelessly and relentlessly that yes, I love the idea of a constant connection.
I love the dreams that come with this.
I love the feeling of “knowing” someone so deeply and so intimately that yes, the world could crumble around me or fall apart, but no matter what, there is no such thing as loneliness so long as that one, special person is alive and in my heart.
I love the consideration of that one special person, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish.
I love this commitment although yes, I understand the valor of this promise can often fade or lose its luster. But still –
I am a fan of the sentiment which is born from this kind of love and while you or I or anyone else in this world undergoes different changes or challenges of lonesomeness; I say again, being alone is better than being in the wrong company.
No one needs another regret. As for mistakes, well, they’re bound to happen.
I’ve made quite a few and yep, I’m sure I’ve been a mistake for someone else (more than once).
But rather than investing in the past, today is time to invest in the future.
I say this with hand on heart and partly emotional, partly cathartic, partly sad and partly hopeful; although my hope is strong and ongoing, I am aware that love does not conquer all and that even in the deepest or seemingly the deepest love; sometimes two people, even if they seemed destined for each other, in fact, they were only destined for a short-term purpose; to change the world from a temporary perspective, to leave behind a more permanent lesson and, at last, to open our eyes to a truth that has yet to be discovered.
Guard your love with your life – and should you find true love, live every second as if it is both your first and last.
Never let this go (unless you have to)
and should it go, do not weep.
It was only a transition. It was only a temporary stay
To open your eyes
And to let you know what to look for
for next time
Goodbye ~
The Written Addiction 