Phase Six is all about recovery. To be clear, everyone has something in their life which either hurt them or held them back. Everyone has a past or a previous life which they have tried to forget, shake off or tried to escape from. Also, everyone has a choice they wished they made, long ago,. Had they made this choice or had they showed the bravery and took the chance they needed to take; or had they dared the lines or dared the so-called rules to make this so, their entire lives would have been absolutely different.
Well, perhaps this is subjective and maybe this is subjective to me.
But –
I’m willing to wager all that most people can relate to this. Most people have at least one decision they made and when they look back, I’m sure they think to themselves, “I should’ve listened to myself.”
“I should’ve gone right instead of left.”
“I should’ve said what I was thinking.”
“I should’ve followed my heart and not my fears.”
I write this as an open statement and while revealing myself a little more than I am usually comfortable with, I offer this to both you and myself as a document and a sincere letter of resolution.
This is a mission statement as well as an explanation on how the world can change and strangely, we might face the aftermath of an old decision that we made either hastily or hesitantly. I say this because deep down, we knew that we wished we had done something different.
Also, please allow this to be a personal expression which is aimed and designed to promote a personal freedom as well as a release to emotional bloodhounds in search of a trail that leads me to where I hope to be.
In which case, my objective here is to sit you in the passenger seat, right next to me with hopes that you might feel and experience this with me.
I want you to be able to touch this and feel this, and note the changes in the colors of the fabric which I’ve used to build the cloak to wear around my life to keep me warm when life is otherwise cold.
This next phase will be about different recovery stories. Or, put simply, these are my stories which I hope to deliver to you so that you can feel the same energies, see the same sights, and experience the same loftiness or the depths of my lows. I want you to feel the emotional content and understand my thoughts as well. Maybe as a result, there can either be a new connection or a reconnection or some kind of constructive resolution that allows us to take this journey another step forward. Or, if nothing else, we can part here with no regrets between us.
Even in the worst times, I swear, there comes a moment when either something clicks or we wake up to the realization that maybe things aren’t so bad.
Maybe we can overcome. Maybe, as bad as things may seem and as hard as the work ahead of us seems to be, and regardless of our usual intimidations, maybe we have what it takes to get through this and come out on the other side – clean from the past.
So?
We find inspiration.
We move. We take action.
Or in my case, I got in a car and started to drive.
The music selection is crucial on drives like this. My suggestion is find something that gets the blood moving and the heart pumping. You can go with something that brings on the wave of a perfect nostalgia. Or, you can find something that allows you to go mindless. Either way, trust me, the music we choose and the volume we select is important.
In my case; I drove off.
I had no intention of going anywhere in particular, which was more freeing than picking a random place for some insignificant reason. For example, I like soup. I like a good meal. I like the wild randomness of finding a place to eat that no one knows about and is off the beaten path but at the same time, the drive, the trip, and the redemption of all this combined is not only freeing, but healing as well.
Even if only for a moment.
I sat in my car. I turned the key, put the car in drive, and then I just went.
I had nowhere to go. Instead, I drove.
I let the music take over.
I let fate take the wheel and although I was driving, I allowed the autopilot in me to be inspired by a whim of destiny.
The sky was blue and the weather was kind. Although my life was anything but, the day itself was picture-perfect.
I had no thoughts in my head. Absolutely none, which is odd for me to say because, at the time, I was going through one of life’s unfortunate moments. And I knew this was only the beginning.
This was happening in full-force. I had nothing left in the bank account.
I had a car that was less-than spectacular, but hey, at least it worked enough to let me escape.
My number of friends dwindled down to hardly any..
I had no social life. I had no one to talk to. I was alone and intimately, I remember thinking, “Who would want to date me now?”
I had nothing but a daily routine which was unfulfilling at best. But at least this was something.
I have detailed this in my first journal, Operation Depression. This is when I was at my worst.
I wanted to find the grand exit and leave this place. I saw no value in myself and had no worth or sense of purpose.
Deep down, I knew that I had never been loyal to any of my truths. I knew that my life was a charade and I was trying to perfect my stance. I was trying to coincide with the so-called blueprints that people tell us about which say, here . . . this is happiness. Build it like this.
I remember thinking, who would want me now?
Who would choose me to be on their side?
It’s not a coincidence that I am alone.
Who would look at me and think to themselves, “Wow, that guy really has it together.”
I was absent from myself. Yes, absent is the best way to say this.
I can recall thinking about the life I had and the progression of my life which took place in different stages.
I went from driving an old, beat-up car, and living in a basement to a somewhat new car in a somewhat decent apartment, and then from there; I grabbed hold of a superficial agreement and moved into a nice home which, on the surface and from the outsider’s perspective; the decoration of window shades to conceal the truth behind the curtains would show that everything appeared fine on the surface.
But not on the inside.
Nothing was perfect. Nothing was as it seemed.
Everything was a show and worse, I knew this was a show.
I knew that I wasn’t present. I knew that my head and my heart was absolutely elsewhere, but what did it matter?
Who cared? Does anyone really care if people are happy?
Is anyone really happy?
I swore an oath to put on a brave face. I did my best to wear the halo and seem innocent. But no, the horns came out to knock it off.
What I mean is the mask slipped, far too often because, put simply, deep down I wasn’t happy.
I wanted more. I wanted the dream to come true, but I allowed my dreams and too many other of my priorities to be deferred, shelved and stored away. I kept these dreams in tiny envelopes, almost vacuum-sealed, which took its breath away. With no air, the decay of my dreams became forgotten hopes that could do nothing else but fade in the back rooms of my biased opinions. Hence, I consider this part of my emotional mapping. I consider this part of my self-destruction too because my life was not aligned with my truth and my heart was not aligned with my lies to which, yes, I eventually broke down. I revolted against the world and more importantly, I revolted against myself because I was not just unhappy. I was miserable.
I was pissed off is what I was.
After a while, I had nothing to hide behind.
I lived my life as a charade and to keep myself going, I fed the lies that somehow, this would all work out in the end.
Until it ended, that is.
I can remember finding myself in the aftermaths and the outcomes of my decisions; in which case, I was back to ground zero.
I was about to face a great rebuild yet, as much as I accomplished, I knew there was dishonesty within my heart.
I knew that deep down I accepted a trade and that my true wishes and passions would never come to pass.
I knew this because I allowed my dreams to turn right and in spite of all the warning signs, I turned left.
I write this to you now, an accomplished person, just a few months shy of my birthday.
That’s right, I’ll be 51 years old . . .
It’s amazing for me to say this.
I say it’s amazing because at one point, the age of 51 would have sounded ancient to me.
Put me away, kids. Send me to an old folks home and get me my pills and my Velcro shoes.
At one point, I never thought I would make it this far.
I never thought I would live this long yet I’m looking back now and I can see the world behind me.
And holy shit . . . I’ve gone pretty far.
I never thought I would have done half of what I’ve done. At the same time; I never thought that any of this would be me.
I never thought that years into a long-term commitment, I would still be here writing my way towards the heart and the mind of my one true dream. To be clear, this is a dream which I’ve had since the time when I saw this manifest in a way that was unexpected. This is all linked to an unexpected and a slightly inappropriate joke that took place at work about water jugs.
This was all part of destiny’s whim, unexpected and vast, but purest in the sense that I saw something and knew something was about to change in my life.
I swear, we run around wondering when fate will play its hand and reveal our destiny. Meanwhile, we forget to recognize the purity and sanctity of the moment at hand.
I say it now and I will say it again – life is unexpected.
Life is beautiful and miraculous yet, we often overlook these incredible features on a daily basis.
We seem to forget the grass grows, flowers bloom, and the leaves in the trees are put there just for us, and the sky, man, the sky at sunset can be one hell of a celebration.
I know it is.
I used to overthink and overcomplicate everything. I used to obsess about meaningless substances and become lost in the fabric of my own crazy ideas.
Yes, I said crazy.
That was me.
That’s still me – if I’m being honest.
Sure, I’m crazy.
I’m crazy enough to believe. I’m crazy enough to hope. I’m crazy enough to imagine and to think and to hope and to draw and build these pictures in my head.
Only, it wasn’t always like this. In fact, I’m not sure if I’ve perfected my artistic pen just yet.
But let me try. I can learn.
At the same time, I reflect on a moment in time where I was lost.
I was sad, lonely and absolutely terrified.
But terrified of what?
Who knows?
My own shadow, maybe?
My life, perhaps?
I was afraid of the social world. I was afraid that there was something “off” about me, that something was irregular about me. I was afraid of this so much that there was an unspoken joke about me, almost like a child with special needs who finally learned how to tie their own shoe – and, of course, those who love this child would cheer at such a simple event. But me, I had ability. I had talent. I had the right and the know-how to stand up and take the reins.
I was not so challenged. I had the right to improve or adapt on my own; however, I didn’t have the balls.
And that’s what it takes to recover.
It takes balls.
I didn’t have the guts or the courage to say hey, this is what it takes.
So get out of my way and let me get where I need to go.
Let me be loyal to my truth.
Let me start here and grow.
And as for being enough, I was never enough.
How could I be?
There was always something off-centered about me. But then again, that’s the thing about personal and social awkwardness.
Maybe no one else sees it, but we sure do.
I assumed that people saw me the way I saw myself; therefore, the pity I felt towards me was naturally assumed that everyone else saw me as pitiful.
But that was just not true.
I don’t know what happened. Maybe the sun came down in a special way.
Maybe I heard a song and the music was right. Maybe it was Sunday instead of Monday and for some reason, I decided to get in my car and just go . . .
There is something so redeeming about a drive to nowhere. No rules. No expectations.
No need to overly navigate or specify the terms of where to go, why, or what time we should be there.
I need a drive like this –
I think I know which song I’d choose when the drive started.
The song: I’ll stop the world and melt with you
The opening lyrics:
Moving forward using all my breath –
Making love to you was never second best.
I like this song.
I think this would be a great start o a nice long drive.
But I’m open to other music (if you have something in mind).
I write this because on my road to recovery, I realize that I have been through countless times where life was either hard or tumultuous and sad.
I have found my way home, more than once. As for the word home – well, it’s relative.
It’s meaningful. It’s changing and the more I understand it, the more the word “home” changes because home is more than where the heart is; it’s more than where we live; it’s an emotional response, it’s a place of safety and a sanctuary of sorts which, to me, home is a place where all is absolved and the world is at a safe distance.
No one can hurt me here.
No one at all.
That’s the home I want to find.
I was thinking about the actor Kevin Spacey.
He played Lester Burnham in the movie American Beauty and said, “It’s a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself. It makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.”
I swear, most times, I’m not sure what I can do (or can’t).
Maybe I don’t know. And neither do you.
I’m not even sure if you know what you can do, let alone me.
But I do know the redemption which takes place when you’re driving away in your car, music is playing loud, the sky is bright and the sun is out.
I swear, it’s perfect.
The warmth from the wind is a kind gesture, as if to say, “Don’t worry about today, kid. I’ll pick up the tab on this one.”
Now, of course, I write this from a humbled territory. I write this amidst a similar change that took place all those years ago.
I am facing a new life and a new challenge yet, I am not scared about the work.
I suppose the reason for this is because I’ve been here before – alone, on my own, and although some people help, most people have their own life to deal with.
I know what it’s like to wake up in humble surroundings. While I came from a place with king-sized features and went into a humble abode (for temporary measures), I know that in time; I can work my way back up again.
Most people have their own fears and problems. Yet, I know that while I’ve grown and gone backwards, I’ve never died from this.
I never died from any of the trials and tribulations in my life, at least not yet.
I’ve not given up or given in. But yes, life is happening to me. Similarly, I am on the verge of a new chapter. I am alone and going through a relationship change which is one of the largest personal changes next to working and living conditions which, in my case, all three of these things are changing.
My love life is changing. My home life has changed and my work life has changed too.
My relationships are changing. My work life is different, And my home life is about to move. Yes, this is humbling, Yes, this is troubling. And yes, I’m afraid.
I don’t know what will come next. But I do know this, I will never go against my gut again.
I will never live a double life or be part-time or halfway about anything in my life.
I will never turn left when I know in my heart I wanted to go to the right.
I will never live my life, part-time, or halfway. If given the chance to speak up and say what I think, I will tell all, right away, and on the double because at this point, just shy of turning 51, I don’t have time to live any other way than the way that’s best for me. I’m all in. I’ll dare it all.
I’ll risk it all too because I know what happens to the dreams after they’ve been vacuumed-sealed and denied the right to breathe.
I know what it’s like to look back.
I know what it’s like to wonder, “What would’ve happened if?”
But at this point in my life and amidst the changes I face now in my professional life, home life, and romantic life; again, I note this down that all I am is another creature in this world.
I am equally as imperfect as anyone.
I am a product of my choices and I am now and certainly will become more familiar with divorce, again, for a second time.
But I have no regrets.
I’m essentially homeless and in search for my forever home and all that this means to me.
I am in search of the right fit, a great bowl of soup on a long road trip, and the right connection to last me for the rest of my life – or longer.
Life is too short to not be loyal to your truths.
So, please –
Be honest with yourself.
Know what you want and never let that go.
The Written Addiction 