What does it mean to recover or to get something back?
Or wait, what did we lose in the first place? Is it time? Is it half of our life?
Or is it more than this and instead of things that we’ve lost, we opened our eyes to realize that so much has happened yet, we sat there like a witness and let everything go by.
What does it mean to reclaim your own life?
What does it mean to take your dreams back? All of them.
One at a time.
I swear that there comes a time when the limit is reached.
The shoulders can’t carry anymore. The weight of the world is too much and then what?
Then we come to a point where the realization takes place.
The light comes on . . .
When this happens, we realize that all of this is on us.
It’s always been on us – but for some reason, we turned our eyes to avoid seeing the truth.
Safe to say that I’m done with the wasteful transactions.
Safe to say that I’m done trying to fit in places where I don’t belong.
Safe to say that I’m done trying to sell myself or to receive attention. I have chosen to remove myself from the useless competition that compares me to anyone else.
Safe to say that I want to invest my time wisely and invest in people wisely as well.
Let’s be clear, I have things that I’ll need to pay for.
I have amends that I need to make.
I’ve left behind some hurt feelings and yes, I’ve made my share of selfish mistakes.
Yes, I am guilty as charged.
I don’t have time for the wasteful ideas and insecure notions that, somehow, I do not have the right to get what I want.
I am not going to give in to the concept that suggests I cannot stand on my own or overcome adversity. Better yet, safe to say I’m done with the inaccurate notion that I do not have the right to be heard or to sound my trumpets like the sound of a horn before the cavalry begins to charge.
I can do this
And so can you
I used to rehearse my goodbyes. I used to rehearse the things I would say just in case I had the chance to tell someone exactly how I feel.
But then, finally, I stopped rehearsing. I stopped pretending.
I stopped planning and started following through.
There is this great big world around us. There are countless things we can do. There are billions of people out there, just waiting to be seen.
There’s the ocean. There are mountains. There are cities we’ve never heard about.
There are places we’ve only read about and then, of course, there are the chances to do something new on a daily basis.
Let’s not forget the most important thing –
Then there’s love.
There’s the chance to see a set of eyes that mean more than the earth and the sun, the rain and the wind.
There’s the chance to surrender and to be completely vulnerable.
But there’s more.
The idea to recover is more than to refill an empty void.
No, there’s more to this.
The idea to recover is the right to reclaim each and every second of our days.
This means we have the right to stand and to shout and to laugh and learn.
But, we have to claim this before the windows close and, once more, we miss out on something beautiful
(again).
Safe to say, I was done living a halfway or part-time life.
Safe to say, I was done with only living with half of what I want.
Rather than accept the incidentals and rather than accept the second best, I decided to stand and deliver myself to the Eden of my dreams.
Rather than fight and swing or kick and bitch, I chose to use a different strategy.
I chose to redirect myself and to align my rights with the rites of passage. I decided to claim my life as my own because as I grew tired of waiting for the calendars of “when,” I recognized that this is when becomes “NOW!”
I became aware and thus, I had to realize where I came from and that yes, change does take time.
This takes effort.
Recovery takes both time and effort; and more, this takes patience. This takes a special and personalized nurturing, which means it’s time to put down the bat . . . and stop beating ourselves over the head.
This means now is the time for us to live, exactly as we want to.
Safe to say, I grew tired of coming up short.
Safe to say, I grew tired of the constant voice inside of my head.
Safe to say, I grew tired of thinking and seeing myself as less-than or unworthy.
I had to change.
This was more than needing to find my way.
This was more than a need to escape the muck from an emotional quicksand.
This was my time to come to a decision that if I am to find my rebirth of sanity, then I have to claim my needs and rescue my wants.
I had to document this, no differently than the internal contract we spoke about in Phase Five.
Safe to say, I was tired of my old version of self.
Safe to say that I was tired of my self-hate and tired of prepping for another day with more of the same.
Safe to say that I wanted and needed an escape.
So?
I chose my escape route.
I chose to make a change. I chose to make a difference. But more, I chose to value myself as my most important commodity.
I stopped investing in places that did not deserve my time, energy or attention. I removed myself from the equations that degraded my value.
I stood up, just like a man at a table who excuses himself to retire.
I decided to resign my useless positions and place my attention towards the fields of my dreams.
I decided I want more.
I want more nights where I can view the stars.
I want more sunrises where I can see the colors along the horizon.
I want more moments on the shore or on the beach or wait, maybe even another day, at least one more on the beach behind 100 Lincoln Road, South Beach because (you know) this place has a connotation that means the world to me.
I decided that I want to find myself once more and that, above all things, I want to recreate my best life.
I want to right the wrongs of a mistake that I made years ago.
I want my life to happen now.
Not “when.”
So, what’s next?
The upcoming recovery stories are intended to explain my inspirations and motivations to redesign my life. I have to do this so that when I have the chance to touch or taste or feel the thrill of my existence; I won’t ever hesitate again.
“Just give me that chance,” I say.
I want the world.
I want it now.
But be advised, I don’t want anything –
if it comes without you . . .
The Written Addiction 