Our aim is to make peace with what is. Even if what is, is not what we want it to be; the question is how do we make peace with what we have? How do we do this when all we want is more? How do we sit idly by and wait and hope and wish? I tell you, it’s challenges like this that make people consider the most irrational ideas.
How do we overcome the obstacles in our mind? Rather than see them as an obstacle, how do we turn them into opportunities? Of course, when it comes to the features in our hearts and the truth in our minds, how do we find comfort when what we have is not what we want?
Who knows?
How do you heal in the middle of hurting? How can you see the resolution in the middle of the problem?
Again, the answer is who knows?
I can remember being told, “the only way to it is through it.”
I can also remember being in the middle of so many things and people would tell me, “If anyone can pull this off, it would be you!”
Someone once told me that God only gives us what we can handle to which I replied, “I wish God didn’t have so much faith in me.”
Then there’s “Whatever doesn’t kill you only serves to make you stronger.”
To this I reply, I could be less dead and less strong; and that would be fine, please.
However, with aims to recover or to find at least a semblance of sanity; how can we hold on?
How can we move past what is? And I mean this most sincerely and wholesomely.
I was always told that acceptance is the key. I was told that by accepting, you understand what is and that since our situations are often unchangeable; we have to understand how to adapt and how to create a new path towards our hopes. We might not like the alterations (or should I say the altercations) in front of us, but still, how do we adapt to ensure our dreams and, of course, our long-term goals of a life above the current standard?
I don’t know whether my life is harder or easier. I don’t know if I am as capable as others seem to believe; or if anything else, I honestly believe I am only human. Just like every other human on this big old sphere which I call Project Earth, I believe in signs.
I believe in fate. I believe in change and I believe in the hope that so long as I keep moving and as long as I keep working and looking for the angles; so long as I remember what I want (and this means what I truly want which is you and I and the life beyond my wildest dreams) in the end, the outcome of my efforts will lead me to where I want to be.
I believe this.
I have spent the last few years in the mixtures of ups and downs. I have seen great things. I have experienced moments of greatness yet, I have experienced a special brand of loneliness. I can remember being around people and being in the company of others yet I felt absolutely and somewhat desperately alone. The reason for this was because I knew that my life had changed. It all changed. Everything. This isn’t anyone’s fault and there’s no one to blame. No.
Not at all.
I have felt things and, by the way, these are real things, such as the promise that perhaps my efforts are working.
ThenI have experienced the suggestions which sum up to be equivalent of the saying “two steps forward and three steps back.”
I have experienced the satisfaction of delivering myself as a product; and I mean this professionally. I can remember the victory and the shared moment which took place. Yet, I have also experienced the crush when this ended, and after, I had to face this as a temporary setback, which is life.
I say this because life is filled with temporary setbacks. However, I know what I want.
I know what I want my life to look like and since life comes with setbacks and momentary changes; I understand the emotional outbreaks of dissatisfaction.
I know the internal underdog would say there is no stopping.
There is no turning back.
There is no more win or lose; there’s only movement. There’s only action.
There’s only effort and there’s only the means of being consistent and persistent until at last, my steps take me exactly to where I need to be.
I cannot allow any dream of mine to be deferred or to diminish in quality.
I know this is not acceptable and this will no longer be acceptable from here on.
I can no longer accept the substandard. But until my standards are satisfied; I’ll work because I can’t allow myself to hold back anymore. I have to work to advance
Not if I want to recover.
Not if I want to find my best life or my sanity.
I understand that not everything is going to work smoothly. I know this. Not everything will go in my favor either.
I know this too.
I know that my defects have created some unforeseen waves in the upcoming future.
But once more, this makes me human.
I can’t promise anyone smooth seas or easy sailing with me.
I can only promise that through it all, I will never waver and I will never give up.
I will never surrender and I will always remember the reasons why I’ve come this far
(and for whom).
And, of course, I wish I could hit the rewind button. I wish I could take back things that I said or did. I wish I could erase them and replay the events in a better fashion. Of course, if I could do this, I would choose to do this with an attractive outcome.
But this is not reality.
No, reality is life. Anything else is only imagination which is great. In order for me to make peace with what is, I am focusing on my goals of what I would like to see.
I still have the same pictures and the same wants and needs and hopes and dreams.
These are all still very real to me. I have wishes. I have fantasies.
I have a heart which is beating now and it is beating even stronger every day.
I want this –
I want my life.
This is my recovery. This is not the depressive ideas or the anxious anxieties or the anticipation of the worst possible scenarios.
I want a cottage in a field by a lake which I have dreamt about.
I want to retrace a walk along the beach. I want to reclaim a morning, exactly as it was during a time when I was so nervous before a presentation that I packed the wrong shoes. Better yet, I packed one left shoe of two different pairs, which means I would have had to present in front of a camera with the nervous discomfort of wearing shoes like this.
I want to reconnect and resolidify my connection to not only my new world but to the truth, which is what I feel within my heart. Make no mistake, I want to grow. I want to recover. I want to earn and claim and take my life from where I am now, to where I want to be.
I know that times might seem lonely. But am I alone?
Am I really alone?
Well I can only answer that question like this.
I was in the wrong life for a long time. I wasted far too much time feeling loneliness in the company of other people. I have done this throughout my entire life.
I don’t want to be alone anymore. Not now. Not ever again.
Even if this means that I have to be by myself for now; then I’ll wait because I know that my love and my life is worthy.
I know that I am not a mistake nor am I someone to regret.
So, I’ll wait.
Or should I say, I’m waiting with my hand on my heart, on bended knee, and I’m here –
Or, as Colin Hay says, I’m waiting for my real life to begin.
The Written Addiction 