In the beginning of this journal, I referred to this as the rebirth of sanity which, hopefully, the details in this journal allow for a means to understand the reasons behind our freak-outs or meltdowns.
This is to understand why they occur and where the come from. Also, this is as much a part of our journey as it is a part of our personal recovery.
In this entry, I plan to detail some of my inner fears and as a means to create a picture that explains why I either acted out or performed in a way to preemptively defend myself. So, in my efforts to defend myself and find self-preservation, I had to create a shield to hide from demons that hardly exist (except for in my head).
In this case . . .
I am about to expose some more of my truths to bridge a better sense of understanding. But more, I want to normalize and humanize this to allow us a sense of comfort which states that no, we are not alone. And yes, everyone is going through something.
So –
It is nothing for me to say, “Don’t worry,” or “Just don’t think like that.” It is nothing for anyone to say, “It’s okay,” or “Everything is going to be just fine,” because the truth of the matter is that sometimes, everything’s not fine. It’s okay not to be okay.
It’s okay to say “WHAT THE FUCK?”
I say this knowing full well that the meter is off the charts at times and that our anxiety is so high that, in the moment, we swear the heart attacks ahead.
I can relate to the panic attacks. I can relate to the symptoms of insanity and how the alarms ring in our head.
I can relate to the sudden rush of irrational fears that take over and suddenly; my mind, body and soul are in Code Red!
I have lived my entire life in a state of fear or worry.
I know what it’s like to walk around uncomfortable or to be awkward or to worry about the next episode in this thing we call life.
I can relate to the impending doom and the expectation of Murphy’s Law, which states, “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.” In this case, I can relate to living my life in accordance with this law. I obeyed this law. I say I obeyed this law more than any other law; including the laws of love. But ah, trust me.
I’m working on it . . .
I lived much of my life expecting the worst or living with the expectation that nothing works out or that happiness is a fleeting moment and all the rest is just a series of unfortunate messes that happen because as everyone knows, this is life and sometimes life’s a bitch!
I can remember sitting in traffic and thinking people would cut me off on purpose because they knew that my anxiety was high. And no, the truth is I know that I am not that important and that yes, I know this is all irrational concepts derived in the mind. Intellectually, I understand that these are the thoughts of a man who was on the edge, depressed, anxious and certainly in revolt against my life at hand.
I was the person who believed in the dark cloud above my head.
So, I reacted to this.
I responded in kind. I expected the worst and, therefore, it was impossible for me to perform at my best.
What is this?
What does any of this mean?
Does this make me defective?
Does this make me less of a person?
Or if anything, does this make me human?
Out of all I have tried to accomplish with my journals and the work that I do in the mental health world, the one thing I see as most important is the need to normalize and humanize the fact that the above is a list of real and actual occurrences. Yes, it’s okay to not be at our best at all times. And no, depression is not a problem with our character. This does not mean we are less-than or defective.
Anxiety or especially anticipatory anxiety is common. So are mental health challenges and the common concepts of Imposter Syndrome, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, Social and General Anxiety Disorder.
As a mental health first aid instructor, I admit that my classes follow the guidelines of the proposed curriculum but I also allow myself to veer from the beaten path to ensure a more humanizing and normalizing approach.
The fact is everyone is going through something. We all have highs and lows. We all have special intimidations.
We all have secrets and fears and challenges that come up. We have all seen things which left behind an indelible mark or, at some point, we have all received at least one moral injury which had led to at least a minor encounter with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I cannot say what anyone else’s recovery is like. I cannot explain much more about my recovery either, other than this is something that I work at on a steady, constant and daily basis.
I have had to learn how to set my daily or incremental goals.
I have had to learn how to boost and gift my reward system.
Also, I have had to learn how to veer away or to navigate away from certain triggers that either cause me to revert back to old, default settings or loop me back into a mindset that is unhelpful or problematic.
I have fears. I have concerns and insecurity. I can compare this to someone who lives with a bad back.
Sometimes the pain is bad. Some days the pain is tolerable and some days it’s just not so bad.
But that’s okay.
I understand the chronic details of a persisting challenge. I live with this.
Please be clear, notice that I report my life and say “I live with this,” which means I do not suffer or struggle. I say it this way to honor myself because with no uncertainty, I will never allow this to weaken me ever again. I will go through periods of heartache and experience challenges. But, I have the right and the ability to recover.
I can’t just quit.
Besides, I have grown folks’ business to take care of.
With regards to my love or the people I love, yes I have fears and worries that one day (or someday) I will be without them and find myself abandoned or alone.
I know where this comes from and I understand the details of my past; therefore, I can learn how to navigate away from this by means of goals, plans and strategies.
At the same time, don’t answer my phone call . . .
Don’t answer my text . . .
Don’t respond . . .
And immediately, I can see how my thoughts leap to the worst possible scenario.
Well?
If nothing else, at least I am honest . . .
Since I have been considering different lyrics from songs that have either inspired me or intertwined with my thoughts or feelings when driving alone, cruising in a sense of auto-pilot, I heard an old song from The Counting Crows this morning – Time and Time Again.
I enjoyed the verse which sings,
“I wanted to see you, walking backwards and get the sensation of you coming home.”
Then the lyrics continue,
“I wanted to see you walking away from me without the sensation of you leaving me alone.”
I can appreciate this.
I say that because this encapsulates so many of my fears when it comes to intimacy yet, I know one thing for certain –
There is love out there for me. It is wet and it is wild and crazy and for me, this is the only life I can consider
(or depend on).
This is part of my recovery
and so are you.
I know it.
The Written Addiction 