Life cannot exist in a vacuum, at least this is what we’ve been told. However, I can say that I have lived in a vacuum for a very long time.
I can say that I have seen people live in their own vacuum of a world, either caught or stuck, and unable to switch or break free or move out from their place of existence.
I have seen people wither to their own belief system and somehow become void in their own mind because instead of rising up or daring to make a run for it; instead, I have watched a good generation of people give up and slip into their own invalidness. I have seen people submit and surrender to a mental infection of lies and misperceptions.
I have watched people who are brilliant and charismatic and perfect on the surface, lose to their own private disbelief yet, no one knew what lurked beneath the surface. No one had a clue about the darkness beneath their systems nor could anyone see. Instead, all the world was sold by a fixed grin and a common everyday smile.
I have noticed the change; however, and I have seen what takes place when people stand up and remove themselves from their troubled environment. I have seen the victory of recovery and people overcoming unthinkable battles that raged from within.
Rather than concede and rather than forfeiting; instead of losing to the inaccurate math that exists in the mind; I have seen what happens when people choose to take the steps to empower themselves.
Rather than give in to the models and the status quo, or instead of reaching a so-called socially acceptable level of success or finding a title, which somehow makes our existence valid because of a job or a financial status, and rather than live by the standards of someone or anyone else; I have seen the greatness of what happens when people overcome their own ideas of worthlessness.
I have seen what happens when someone escapes the vacuum –
And I have to tell you . . .
It’s amazing.
I have seen what takes place when people decide to reclaim their lives and draw the line. They set their sights and made the commitment to take hold. Rather than lose ground, they choose to embrace their personal battles and choose to overcome.
I’ve seen this firsthand.
I understand the beginning of any major change is hard. I get that this can be strange and the newness and intimidation of change can be difficult to face.
I can understand the uncomfortable change in our surroundings or while switching from one environment to another, which is so foreign and new, and in the uncomfortable strides of the unknown; I can understand the overwhelming nature which has caused so many of us to turn back to our previous dungeon and return to old or default settings.
I know why people go back to their old, understandable habits. Even when these habits are unhealthy and unhelpful, I understand them.
I understand that even though some of our actions are self-destructive in the end; at the beginning, we are looking for something that makes sense.
We want to find an action that satisfies a discomfort.
We want to understand, but in the case of unsettled emotions and misunderstood feelings and irrational fears, it’s hard to see clearly.
I get that.
I know this because I have been lost in the mazes and caught in the emotional labyrinths or dead-end lies which tricked me into believing the deception of my perception.
I lost to the idea that perhaps this is all I deserve. Or maybe this is as good as life can be. Even if life wasn’t good or if I found myself in a constant loop or rinse and repeat, I never believed that I had the right to embark on the greatest journey of all, which is called life. I mean my real life.
I say this as a person who has authored 17 published journals. I say this as a person who has survived, adapted, improved and reported my findings on a daily basis. Good or bad, like it or not; I have always been true to this.
I say this as a man who has defied the guidelines of depression which, to me, is otherwise medicated resistant, and rather than succumb to this or become a victim of an emotional or mentally challenged diagnosis, I am still here almost 51 years later.
I might not be on the best seller’s list, but no one can take away my accomplishments.
Yes, the truth is, I know a lot about suicidal ideation.
That’s why I’ve volunteered for different suicide prevention efforts.
This is why I was deployed to hospitals after a person would overdose.
I allowed my experience to be a helpful vehicle. And not just to me, but for others as well.
I know plenty about an unexplainable sadness that comes with unexplained reasons.
I understand the ideas of rejection. I know all about the five fingers of rejection, which are blame, shame, guilt, fault and regret because I am the one who decided to create this phrase.
I invented this to make sense of it because, again, these are the fingers that close and build the fist that we use to beat ourselves up.
I had to find a way to simplify myself. Rather than give in to the vacuum-sealed ideas of what depression is or what it’s supposed to be, I decided to redefine what my life is supposed to mean.
It is sad and true that while we move and we grow, our math does not always add up.
It is sad and unfortunate and also true that while we can make plans, life can change in an instant. Often, we view the unfortunate changes as pass or fail in which, in the end, there is no failure.
There’s only a lack of movement. So, if we move, we succeed, which means there is no failure.
I have watched people refuse to get back up or try again. I have watched people succeed in one regard and fail miserably in another because of an ill-conceived notion that either this is all they can be or that, at best, their desired life is not meant for them.
I have met plenty of miserable millionaires and so have you.
At the same time, I have met several people who are otherwise penniless yet, their life is a beautiful and complete series of love and family and truth.
What’s so different about them?
What allows them to break free?
And so –
This is why I want to change. This is why I want to improve.
This is why I want to overcome the lies that I had believed and once and for all, this is why I want to overcome the deceptions of my perceptions.
I have to rewire my thinking.
I have to update my programmed life and change my patterns; otherwise, life will be nothing else but more of the same.
And let’s be clear –
Not everything was so bad and not everything that ended harshly or abruptly was or is totally regrettable.
No, life is only evolving. That’s all.
There is no need to harbor resentment. There is no need to fight over the worthless jewels of an argument that comes from pride or ego.
No . . .
Now is the time to learn and grow, which means we have to break the seal.
We have to allow that breath to take place so we can inhale and exhale and say “ahhh!”
So, we can breathe.
I have heard people say, “You have to believe in yourself,” but at the same time, the problem is when you don’t believe or recognize your worth or your value, the idea of believing in ourselves seems like an impossibility.
Doesn’t it?
The idea of believing in our recovery when we find it hard to believe there’s anything redeeming about ourselves is unthinkable.
So, when someone comes along and says, “You have to believe in yourself,” the concept is either too far-fetched or too bizarre to consider.
But I agree.
You have to believe because regardless of truth; if we believe something is true then obviously, it’s true to us.
But how can you believe in the opposite of your beliefs?
How can we have faith in blind faith when we have no faith at all?
Put simply, we need proof. We need rewards.
We need to see how things can improve and we need each of our five senses to connect with this. Otherwise, the ideas of blind faith or unconditional love has too many conditions for us to believe in them.
You have to love yourself.
Okay . . .
But what if you don’t?
What if you are your own worst critic?
What if you are your own worst enemy?
And of course, what is it like when someone comes along to tell you their unsolicited advice?
How can you back the idea that suggests, “You have to be your own best friend” when you don’t want to be friends with yourself?
I have lived a long time and seen what happens when people face the challenges above. I have had to dare this on a daily basis for as long as I can remember and yes, I would rather see people laugh than cry. I would rather try and save someone than watch them struggle or suffer and live with the frustrating lie that says, don’t get too happy kid. Your life ain’t worth much.
Life can and will get better.
But nothing can get better without action or change. While action and change can be hard and challenging, nothing is impossible when we break away from the vacuum. Nothing is beyond us when we remove ourselves from the lies which sealed us in – and kept us stuck.
I will never allow myself to wake up on the ground after a surrendered mission because I chose to quit.
This will never happen again.
I will never go out through submission.
I will never allow myself to lose to my thinking or to the trained assumptions that I cannot do or go or complete my next task.
I have to see things like this:
I can.
I will.
And so will you.
We just have to be clear about the line in the sand.
We have to regard our boundaries and rather than succumb to the thinking errors from our past, we are going to open the seal and allow ourselves the fresh breath of this new opportunity, which is commonly known as “Today.”
There is no more yesterday,
Tomorrow is on its way but for now, all we have is this moment.
All we have is this morning, right before the day breaks.
All we have is this – me, you, a cup of coffee or maybe some breakfast –
And all that’s next is the upcoming day, which, if we choose to, we can meet this gracefully.
We can accept the challenge and meet this moment, filled vigor and dedicated to our dreams and make them come true.
If we choose, we can dare the world and nothing else would matter – not as long as I have you and you have me because together, we can break free from the vacuumed-packed lies we used to believe.
Life cannot exist in a vacuum –
Neither can we.
So, we have to break the seal.
We have to break free . . .
I’ve heard you say, “But what if I can’t do it?”
“What if I don’t know how?”
It’s okay.
I find myself in these uncharted territories all the time.
(like now)
But so long as we keep close, neither of us will be alone.
Ever
(I promise)
The Written Addiction 