I’m not so sure if this is more for me or for you. I suppose it’s safe to say that yes, this is for both of us. Or, maybe this is just to satisfy a thought and a need which I have at this moment. But either way, something I appreciate most in life is humility and the humbleness which takes place here, between you and I.
I had just finished mentioning that life cannot exist in a vacuum; yet life does exist in a vacuum.
As in, our vacuum.
So in case you’ve missed my intentions, please allow me to be clear. I want this journal to be personal. Otherwise, these words are meaningless, at least I think so.
I want this to be something that reaches out and causes you to think or if anything at all, I hope this allows you a moment to contemplate the life we live and the next chapter ahead of us. Because if you ask me – it’s going to be a great one.
Either way, I want to make you think. I want to make you feel. But at the same time, I want this to allow us both the chance to open our eyes to something simple and important. This is life. I say this because for so long, too many of us have walked around with our eyes, wide-shut.
We’ve been blinded by our own private fiascos. More than anything, I want to offer this without any sort of greatness. This is me. Undecorated and modest as ever – wholesome as well as wholehearted and in this particular entry, I want to be plain and rest the need to be perfect or flowery.
So before I go forward, I have to say to the grammar gods and the literary police,
step aside because this journal is straight from the heart.
It is true.
When we’re down, we’re down.
It’s true that when the waves are high and the crest is great, we can ride the wave and land on the shore.
Life crumbles though, and I know this.
Life takes turns and makes unexpected changes.
We move and we grow and we walk and find ourselves in places that we never expected.
This is true and sometimes, this is surreal. Sometimes this might seem unreal or simply unbelievable. Sometimes we find ourselves in unwanted territory.
Or one could say that we lose ourselves too and then we find ourselves going through the unexpected and facing the world alone.
It’s enough to make us wonder how people survive or make it through life.
It is true that no one can touch for us and feel for us. No one can think for us. No one can envision or dream or see for us and in this case, no one can process for us either which means no one can come to a realization for us. No, this is our job. At the same time, no one can recover for us or get well or improve.
I’m sure by now, if there was a way to save someone and fix them, and I mean truly fix them, then no one would ever suffer or go through a hard time. No loved ones would pass away or be sick or feel a moment of sadness.
Come to think of it, take parents for example. The truth of the matter is no one can bubble-wrap the world. There will always be sharp or jagged edges. There will always be slips and falls, scraped knees and trips to the emergency room because and life will always come with unexpected accidents.
There is no protection from life. There’s only living.
And that’s what we’re here to do.
(Or, so I think.)
I remember an old friend of mine named Jack. He used to tell me that the best revenge is good living.
He used to say there’s no need to get even. He’d tell me if someone is looking to hurt you and you’re somehow still able to walk with your head up and your shoulders back, then you have accomplished something that no one can take away from you.
I agree with Jack.
I used to get insulted when people would talk about me or slander me behind my back. Even if I deserved the rudest words possible, I would take this to heart and find myself grinding my teeth at an unalterable situation. I used to feed into this. I used to rehearse my conversations so that I would have a good comeback, just in case a verbal altercation took place.
Be ready, is what I thought.
Be prepared, is what I assumed.
But in the end, all this allowed me to do was be in flight-mode, or at-risk, to which there was no calming down, especially when someone told me to calm down.
I spent much of my life searching for comebacks and responses. Most of my years that were spent towards self-preservation were unhelpful because I was always on-guard. I was always on edge and always expecting the next worst thing.
I was always searching for a way to defend myself from battles and arguments that didn’t even exist yet. But to me, all of this was real in my head. And in fairness to this topic at hand, what has this done for my sanity?
What has this done for my relationships?
What has this done for my happiness because if my reason to defend myself was to keep from being hurt and if I was on-guard to protect my happiness, how happy is anyone when they’re on the brink of an imaginary war with an imaginary enemy?
How has this impacted my ability to share and mutually return an equal share of intimacy?
And intimacy ranges throughout all of our relationships.
Therefore, I am reporting this to both tell on myself and as a means to become accountable. But also, I am pouring this onto the page to allow myself a perfect view of my imperfections – so I can improve, because this is my goal.
I have undergone so many changes in my life. I have passed through different phases. I have opened new chapters and closed old ones. I have embarked on new adventures and at the same time, there are times when I never dared to let myself go or enjoy or to be in the moment enough to actually live in the present.
To me, I believe there’s a word that describes this.
I believe it’s called peace.
There are times when I was so preoccupied with the thoughts in my head that it is no wonder that I didn’t know how to enjoy my journey.
I suppose this is why I value these journals so much.
I suppose this is the only moment in the day where there’s no one else but you and I. There’s no outside interruptions. There’s no intrusions and no one looking to impose or lend me their unsolicited advice.
There’s nothing but me in this studio which exists in my mind.
By the way, you are the reason why I have built this place.
I can block everything out and watch as the computer screen changes while I type.
By the way, this is my favorite part. I type and letters appear. The letters make words and the words turn into sentences which become paragraphs and then chapters.
I see this as a successful moment between two people. (You and I)
But also, I view this as a moment of realness between two people who exist in an otherwise fabricated world.
Hence, I freak out sometimes.
I break down.
I lose my cool and say things that I may later regret.
I don’t want to be this way. Nor do I want to live my life according to the emotional tactics which degrade my intellect and keep me from my best possible self.
The truth is I know why I freak out. I know why I have meltdowns. I know why I lose my patience and more often than not; I understand how this is a challenge with my ego.
It’s control . . .
It’s a problem with irrational fear.
it’s the spoiled brat in me that’s afraid I might not get my way.
And for the record, I know that I am not alone with this.
I know that my fears are based on a self-centered insecurity. I know that my ego and my pride and my fears share this interconnected cycle which loops me back towards a thought process or a memory or experience that was unhappy or unfavorable. Then I find myself back to a mindset where I am lost in a thought or a concept that does nothing more than drive me crazy.
Crazy. Yes. That’s me – happily admitting to this as my truth.
Sure, I’m crazy. I’m crazy because I’m honest.
I’m crazy because I would rather think and build and improve instead of repeating my same sins which have done nothing more than degrade me on a daily basis.
This is me.
No. Really. It is.
And no differently is this you
(No. Really. It is)
The challenges we face are often because of our emotional attachments to outcomes and situations. However, to become stoic or even become agnostic over what happens to us; as in to not be hinged or addicted to the outcomes but instead, we find that our loyalty is better served by channeling our energy to the focus on our efforts – not the outcomes.
Rather than pick apart the meaning behind what people say or do, and rather than overthink or analyze every little thing, we can move away from this.
We can literally break up with this relationship and start over.
We can detach from this kind of thinking and be free – if we choose to.
We can invest our attention in a better place and focus elsewhere; in which case, by becoming agnostic on the energies around us and rather than investing on the external and uncontrollable; we can invest in ourselves, internally and essentially, going forward, our new aim is to move strategically.
Not emotionally.
Why do we freak out?
It’s because we want what we want.
Its control.
It’s fear.
It’s worry.
And –
It’s enough to drive us crazy because although we know this from an intellectual standpoint; it’s clear that we have no control over an outside life.
All we can control is how and who we invest our time with.
All we can control is our effort.
I was angry for most of my life. I was uncomfortable too. I lost myself to my thinking that somehow I was less than unworthy and lower than anyone else.
But more than anything, I lost myself to an ill-advised belief system.
But not here.
No, that doesn’t happen here, at least not with you.
See, I have had to find my place of peace.
I’ve had to build my own sanctuary.
I have had to learn how to find some kind of relief or, at minimum, I’ve had to create a process which allows me to open up and speak without any threat.
This is my therapy as well as a tale of my recovery.
Rather than give in to the confines of my thinking, I had to find a passageway.
I needed an escape. I needed a route which is not only freeing but redeeming at the same time.
To me, feeling the tips of my fingers as they hit the keys and speaking the words I type as I write them to you has become a piece of my salvation.
This allows me to transform myself from weakness to empowerment. Even if this only exists for a minute and even if this moment ends, at least you and I had the chance to meet here, once more, each day.
I understand that no one can guarantee me a shot at salvation. To be honest, I’m not exactly sure what the word salvation means to me.
But –
All I know is I have a life to live. I have hurdles to leap. I have obstacles to turn into opportunities and problems to turn into possibilities.
(Or, so help me)
By the way, you have no idea how much you inspire me –
Really . . .
It’s the truth.
That’s why I keep writing to you
So I’ll never be alone
So I’ll never give up
Because with you in mind, I understand that united we stand and divided we fall.
In which case, I will always remember. I will never surrender and one day at a time, I will walk with my head up and my shoulders back.
My old buddy Jack told me the best revenge is good living.
I agree with him.
But now I understand what he meant by that-
The best revenge is not to need revenge at all.
I think I’ll call this – Living.
The Written Addiction 