I have been thinking about how big things may seem yet, in the grand scheme of it all, our life is so small. But we make it a “big deal” because, to us, the moment is too huge to see our way around it.
I get that. And I’m sure that you do too.
But life is filled with tips and lessons. I swear, this is true.
For example –
There was a night on the farm, way past midnight. I was out in the cold beneath the starry skies. I was 17 years-old at the time. I was just a kid and I took a chance at playing a few of the so-called “Big-Boy” games, which resulted in a legal situation that could have been worse.
I had been on the farm for a few months and by now, I was moving with the flow. I had been beaten into submission by the courts as well as by the loss of my Father. Either way, I was beaten.
I remember this clearly.
I was on fire-watch and the temperatures were cold and the wind was sharp. I could see the sky without interruption. The nighttime was without blemish or imperfection. The moon was out and every star was lit.
Looking up, I realized where I was. I realized how small I was especially in comparison to the infinite sky.
Smoke came from my breath as it left my mouth. I was half-asleep yet, I was so awake for so many different reasons.
I wasn’t sure how I made it to where I was, at least not exactly.
I wasn’t sure why some people break away or go free and other people are caught or locked down, and made to face the consequences.
I don’t know why some people survive and others catch the wrong train or miss the bus and find themselves in the middle of something unfortunate.
I’m told this is called fate. I’m told that when it’s your time; it’s your time.
And that’s that . . .
I don’t know why some people can learn so easily and why others struggle. And me, I don’t know how easily I learn.
Then again, I suppose this depends on the lessons and the teacher who teaches me.
But trust me, life’s a teacher. And not all teachers are kind or patient.
Not all teachers are looking to beat you with a ruler either.
I was told that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I suppose this is true.
I suppose it’s true to say that we learn when we are ready to learn.
Or maybe we only learn when we’re afraid. Or maybe this has to do with our levels of comfort; and so, when we feel pain or when we’re at the brink and especially when we’re afraid of the edge that’s about to crumble beneath our feet; and as we fear the pain from the fall – of course, this is when people are open to suggestions.
Perhaps the problem is we often forget the lessons we learned when the danger is gone.
We often forget the pain. Rather than mind the lessons we learned, oftentimes, we go at it again just to see if we can beat the odds.
And yes –
Safe to say, I’ve always had to learn the hard way.
It’s safe to say that back then, I had my feet at the edge of the cliff and the look down was enough to scare the life out of me.
I remember what was at stake.
I remember this was a short time after The Old Man passed.
I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing here?”
I wondered why some people live and other people die. And sure, I knew bad people who received good things. In fact, I knew them by their name and they knew me too.
But they were fine. They were scheming and lurking in the shadows and somehow, they were able to get by.
But not me.
I used to think this was unfair. However, I have come to a different level of awareness and once more, I have come to a crossroads.
I find myself in need of answers and in need of hope.
I recognize that life has shown me the same lessons more than once.
But have I learned?
And if not, then why?
I know the rules of engagement. I know the players.
I know the game.
I understand the meaning of collateral damage and I find that life has a way of overlapping to remind us of the rules. No differently from the teacher standing in front of a blackboard in a classroom; the first lesson is calm and quiet. But, the volume of the teacher’s voice increases when the students fail to listen.
So . . .
Back on the farm, I was new to a life that was odd and strange for me.
I was far away from anything familiar. I was young and living at a facility which was part school, part behavioral, part rehab and part of an experience that changed my life.
I lived here for 11 months.
I grew here too.
But also, I lost here.
I shed my skin and allowed an older version of myself to die so that a newer version of me could come to life.
And that was great –
I have said this to you before but it pays to say this again; we die and live each and every day.
However, some deaths are merely temporary. Some are more deliberate or permanent.
Sometimes we are reborn and sometimes we say goodbye to an old version of a former self.
This is life.
There is an abundance of opportunities here. There are countless chances to learn.
We can go. We can stay.
We can run or walk and if we choose, perhaps a better idea would be to stop and listen to the teacher.
Otherwise, we run the risk of being caught in more of the same.
We can recognize our surroundings.
We can remember them so that if something comes up again, we can say to ourselves, “Hey, I’ve been here before.”
And somehow, I made it through.
There is no reason to revisit the past. But also, there is no reason to recreate the past either which means that a change is in order.
That means me.
That means it’s time to pay attention
I am finding myself at a familiar crossroad whereas before, I was in uncharted territory. While my current chapter is different from the old one, I find myself in the midst of change and decisions.
Do I go left?
Do I go right?
Do I get off at the next exit or do I take this road all the way to the end?
Or –
Do I pay attention and listen to the teacher?
I saw the moon last night. And that was good.
I found a little place too, which is where I plan to script my next and greatest revival.
I am facing more than a new chapter. I’m facing a new life which will need my attention to nurture and rebuild.
I suppose this is why I was thinking about the farm last night.
I was thinking about the 3:00am fire-watch in the middle of winter, freezing cold yet – as bad as it was, nothing was so bad that it was bad enough to kill me.
As a matter of fact, nothing is that bad.
And I know that now.
I understand what it means to go back to the basics.
I’ve been at ground zero before and like anyone else, I know what it means to have to go back to the drawing board.
And that’s fine.
I can do that.
I was thinking about a time when my freedom was taken from me. I was in a terrible place during a terrible time.
I was thinking about the sounds and the smells and the things, which I will never forget.
I was thinking about the consequences and the incidents and the accidents which took place at the time.
Yet somehow, I made it through.
It was only temporary. It was only a minute in time; and while at the time, I swore that my feelings would never get better or that I would feel that tragedy forever, I never realized that forever is a really long time.
Last night, I looked at the sky, which was pretty to say the least. And I realized something.
I am so small. Or better yet, I am infinitely small in comparison to the size of the universe.
I am a blip. I am a tiny fraction and while we live and we learn, our life is much bigger than we think.
I suppose we just lose ourselves in comparison.
And the teacher, ah, she knows how to reach me. I just need to pay close attention.
Or maybe I should sit up at the front of the class this time.
Or maybe I should show up this time – and be present.
Life is too short to have regrets.
And me, I have no time for them anyway –
Besides, I have a life to live and some lessons to learn; hence the journals, because this is how I take notes.
Oh, and by the way,
no one can ever stop you from doing what you want to do.
You know that, right?
It doesn’t mean people are going to like it.
It doesn’t mean people are going to agree with you
And it definitely doesn’t mean anyone is going to help you, or be patient, or be where you want them to be
But no one can ever stop you from living the life you want to live.
And to tell you the truth –
Out of all the lessons I’ve learned along the way –
I think this one might be the best and most important of them all.
Find your life
See it.
Build it
Get ready for the ride –
And make it so
The world is so much bigger than this tiny moment.
That’s what today’s lesson has taught me.
The Written Addiction 