As I find myself on the verge of a new chapter, I can see the choices of my past which have left me with some unresolved tensions. I can also see how this has left me with a sense of incompleteness. This is a strange feeling to say the least. It’s surreal too, as if to be one of those moments when everything is happening at a thousand miles an hour yet there’s something so absolutely still at the same time. I can compare this to falling in slow-motion, which is not in slow-motion at all because (of course) you know that you’re falling; but at the same time, there’s this weird presence of mind that takes place, as if to say, “Holy shit! This is really happening.”
Last night, I drove home after a long day of working alone. I was somewhat isolated and somewhat segregated away from the rest of the world, which is hardly the way anyone should have to spend their Sunday.
I was thinking about the words, “Unfinished business.”
I have this. But then again, I suppose we all have something that’s unfinished.
Or, maybe we haven’t started yet. That could be it too.
Maybe there’s a stone unturned or a life yet to be lived. I can see how this can happen.
Maybe there’s a yearning and a heartfelt desire to go, or be, or to do something brilliant, like a lifelong dream in the fields of happiness.
I know that it’s out there.
Maybe there’s something more out there and, of course, there is absolutely more out there.
Then again, moments can be intense, especially when we find ourselves entangled with struggles of the heart.
Where do I go?
What should I say?
What should I do?
How am I going to get through this?
Then when someone tells you, “Hey, don’t worry. Everything is gonna work out.” Or when someone tells you, “Things will get better,” it’s enough to make you stop and wonder . . .
Maybe the answer to the questions we have are right around the corner.
Maybe the answer is right there, right in front of our face.
Maybe the answer is you. Maybe it’s me. Or maybe It’s neither and the answer is that sometimes, there is no answer.
Sometimes our life is mismatched. Maybe this is only for a moment. Maybe, in this case, we have to give ourselves a minute to clear our heads – and let the clock turn from one second to the next.
Maybe there’s something we’re missing.
Or maybe we’ve been looking in the wrong places.
Maybe we find ourselves here because we left something unfinished or undone.
I can see this now.
I say this because I can see this as clear as day.
I can see my missteps or the words which I either misspoke or said out of haste or harshness.
I can see what I have left unfinished.
I can see the stones I’ve left unturned and since hindsight is always 20/20, I understand that there might not be a chance for me to go back and fix the unturned problems.
But this doesn’t mean I can’t go forward or work to be better.
Never leave anything unsaid or undone. Never leave an opening for regret to take place. And watch yourself. Watch your pride. Watch your fears because they lead us to say things that we don’t mean or worse, they lead us to say things that are mean, even if we don’t mean them.
(Understand?)
But ah, that’s me sometimes.
Too deep in my own head. Too lost in the emotional concepts and too wrapped up in the fears of a special lonesomeness which, in fairness, this is something that I understand all too well.
I don’t want to leave anything unfinished anymore. I don’t want to leave anything unsaid and whether I say the right thing or if I said things too late or on-time, the outcome is out of my control.
All I have is this heart in my head which I’m holding and extending outward with hopes to be clear and that A) I have come to a place in my life where I want my real life to begin and that B) I cannot and will not allow myself to live falsely or to be untrue to the facts of this case, which is this –
I want to be happy.
More than anything else, I want to find my place in this world.
Wherever this may be.
I want to find my source of resilience so that I can be young again. I want to be like a kid who sees fireflies for the first time when the summer comes around.
I want to be comfortable with being who I am and not fear that something about me is defective or regrettable to someone else.
I don’t want to be a regret. Or a mistake.
I want to be a choice.
I want to be unafraid and dare the world.
I want to be clear on how I think and express how I feel, both humbly and modestly because to me, to be humble means to be honest and to be modest means to show the absence of pride.
I say this because yes, pride kills.
I can say this has certainly been true in my case.
Pride ruins lives. It wrecks friendships and starts fights.
So, I’ll have to humble myself and be more modest, I suppose.
And that’s fine.
If we’re not careful, pride covers fear and fear can ruin dreams and for the record, I have seen this up close and firsthand.
So does resentment, by the way. This is a dream killer too.
So is my inability to sit tight or be patient because yes, in the case of my brand new life, I absolutely want what I want and you can bet your sweet ass that I want it now.
As in, right now.
As a matter of fact, I even bought some new cologne, just to smell good when I get it too.
I don’t want to wait anymore. Not now.
I have passed the midway point of my life and to each minute, I can hear the clock moving, which means this moment is too crucial for me to waste on fighting or arguing or saying mean things.
I don’t want any part of this.
I understand that to rebuild my sanity, I have to separate myself from the aspects which degrade my sanity.
I have to silence my internal voice which can betray me at times.
I have to quiet the ego.
I have to understand that pain is part of life and while yes, I agree that pain hurts, I cannot expect anyone else to heal my pain or help me all the time.
I have to work through this.
I have to understand that while not everything can or will get better (or improve), I have to change my expectations.
I have to switch my focus because rather than expect someone else to solve my equations, I have to acknowledge, process and work through my inventory on my own.
I have to do this like it’s my job because the truth is, it is my job.
I have been told about the benefits of prayer and how, “God could and would, if He were sought.”
I think about this and remember a verse from James, which states, “Faith without works is dead.”
What is my faith without my work behind it?
This means I have to put more work in.
And so be it.
Maybe my faith is weak at times. Maybe my faith is questioned. Maybe the symptoms of a broken heart can get in the way and fear takes hold; in which case, all I see is the worst.
And that’s not such a big deal.
No, it’s my reaction to this that becomes a big deal.
I think this only makes me human. But when the pain comes or when heartache persists, I expect the worst.
I expect to be let down or crushed. Thus, I watch as my hopes crumble to an expectation that is unfortunate and less than desired.
Keep working.
I say this a lot.
Keep moving.
That’s what I’m doing right now.
Keep the motion going because if we do this, we can allow the thoughts to change and perhaps, maybe we can work through this together
(or not).
I want to find peace. This is one thing that I know for certain.
I want to be happy. I have chosen to resign from the useless fights and arguments which, in the end, do nothing else but dig the hole deeper.
I want to find happiness which is why I started this journal in the first place. Then again, this is why I’ve started all of my journals. However, whether this reaches the published world or this only goes as far as here – I want to find my place in the circle.
I want to feel that moment of walking in the door and being “home,” wherever this may be.
I have worked on the rebirth of my sanity for a very long time. And sometimes, I think I am closer to finding an answer.
Sometimes, I swear it’s like I’m a million miles away.
But I’m not, at least not really.
I have undergone so many changes in the last few years. I have had pieces of my spirit become lifted to heights that I never thought were possible.
I have seen great things and felt the thrill from amazing experiences.
I know that there is more for me. It’s out there. And this is not unfinished.
It’s only yet to be encountered
I know there is love for me, at least I hope so.
At the same time, I know there is fear. I know there are challenges and problems and obstacles to overcome.
I’ll do what I can to overcome these things.
I’ll do what I can – to overcome, I mean.
I have to because I deserve more than to be where I am now – even if outside opinions disagree.
I’ll do what I can to make my changes because unless I choose to dare and take the shot, I’ll have more unfinished business to deal with.
And to me, that’s more of the same in my opinion.
However, it’s out there now.
The unfinished and the undone.
But I’m not done yet.
I’ve not given in.
I’ve not quit or given up.
Unfinished business. . .
I think I see these words differently now.
I think that with regards to finding my sanity, the unfinished part is what drives me crazy sometimes.
To be crazy isn’t so bad; it’s only when we get so crazy that we do or say things that are mean or hit below the belt.
So, let me get back to what I started.
Let me claim what’s mine because no one else will do this for me.
Let me find my special place in this world, wherever it may be –
.
The Written Addiction 