I am coming to a close here. But before I end this journal and move on to the next, Phase Seven will be my closing before I send it out deeper into the universe.
But before I go, I have a few questions.
Where are you now?
I don’t mean where you are, as in your location or what state, what county, or what town. No, I mean where are you really?
Where are you with any of this?
Where are you with life as you know it?
And yes, I can say that life is definitely a trip.
I can say that we’re all on a journey and that without any question, the scenery is everything.
So, once more, where are you now?
If you are in the middle of a rebuild or a rebirth or if you find yourself facing the task of a new life, I would like to offer this as an advisory for better guidance.
I would like to let you know that although this trip can be wild at times, sad, crazy, beautiful and also confusing, this trip is one that comes with different stages and levels of awareness.
I say this to you as a person who is more aware now.
Yet, I am less aware too.
I am more aware of my dreams and my hopes. I am more aware of what I want. I’m aware of where I’ve been and what I’ve overcome, what I’ve survived, and as a person who identifies as an advocate for people with challenges in the mental health department, I am aware of what I have to do on a daily basis.
I am aware of my life and while this is only a way-station or a temporary setting, I am aware of where I want to be.
I know what I want my life to look like.
I know what I want to become, to which I am aware that to do what I dream of and to reach my best levels of success; I am aware that this will take effort. This takes commitment. I am aware that without work, my hopes and dreams can fade into an obscurity and become lost in my dungeon of mental storage, covered in a mixture of cobwebs and dust.
Where am I now?
I am moving through another journal. I am also working on becoming the best me possible. I have no confusion about what I want because now more than ever, I am aware that I need to move forward. And sometimes, I need to move fast. Sometimes, it’s best for me to slow down and take it easy. Sometimes, it’s best for me to pause and take in the sights and enjoy the scene.
But ah, there’s a word to recognize – enjoy.
Isn’t that something?
I am more aware of some things and less aware of others. For example, I am less aware of certain enemies. I am less aware of those who predicted that I would fall or crumble or worse, that I would quit and collapse and exit this great stage by an act that was created by my own hand. But guess what . . .
I’m still here!
I am less aware now of a certain abuse which I only disclose when absolutely necessary. I am less aware of the jobs that I worked that never worked out for me. I am less aware of certain moments that used to torment me and shrivel my imagination with doubts and shame-based thinking.
I was bullied when I was young. I was tortured by some people; but worse, I was tortured by myself because out of all the bullies I have ever encountered, nobody bullied me more than I bullied myself.
I am aware of this now.
I am aware that since my thoughts can impact my feelings and since my thoughts and my feelings can affect my personal chemistry and lead to the end result of emotional outcries or victory, and that since this is all interconnected; my thoughts and feelings, my emotions, and my behaviors are all joined by a connection, I had to learn about where I was in my head.
I was not present. No, my mind was always someplace else. My heart was in a thousand directions. My thoughts betrayed me and my trust was vacant because my belief in “self” was so low that I always anticipated the worst. Why wouldn’t I? Why would I expect anyone to be loyal or kind to me if I was not loyal or kind to myself?
So, where are you now?
I think this is a great question.
Where do you see your value?
What are your strengths?
If I asked you to list them, would this list be longer or shorter than your list of faults or regrets?
I often talk a lot about a self-destructive response disorder which is not a phrase that was created by a doctor nor is this a clinical diagnosis. No, this was something invented by me, yours truly, because I needed to find a way to understand how and why I would act out or respond to my surroundings. I wanted to understand more about my personal intimidations. I wanted to understand why pain registers in my mind; however, there are people (like myself) who live with unseeable scars and painful aches of the heart. Yet, none of this can be seen by an x-ray or an MRI or via Cat Scan.
I know what a cut or a scrape or a bruise feels like. I understand what a bump on the head is and why the area is tender to the touch. We know why because there is a physical representation to this. I can understand the physical representation of weight such as a dumbbell or a tool box. I can understand this because its heaviness comes with an understandable object with weight. However, items of the heart and pains of the soul do not come with these things. While a person feels an unseeable pain or discomfort, oftentimes the registration of pain comes with a concept that we can’t understand.
The mind needs to understand why. We want accountability. We want to understand the pain because this way, we know how or when we can heal.
But that’s the trick.
I can understand why a cut hurts for as long as it does. I can see as it heals too. I can see my body physically change; however, items of the heart and challenges of the soul do not come with this kind of representation.
So we react. We cry and sometimes we cry uncontrollably.
We yell and we scream and sometimes, we cause our own share of personal havoc.
We do this to facilitate a reaction that leads us to an understandable outcome which, by the way, is self-induced and harmful because if we are in pain and don’t know why, our actions can create a scenario that justifies our sadness – so, we act in kind to our emotional content. We follow our thoughts to become a self-fulfilled prophecy. We paint ourselves in the corner because at least now, the challenges we feel can make sense to us.
How or why do people hurt when nothing is wrong?
I ask this from my own personal experience.
Why does a person think and believe as if they are so absolutely different?
Why do we believe we are wrong or somehow that we’re just not right or off-center and that being who we are is not as great as being anyone else in this world?
Why do we think this?
Where does low self-esteem come from?
Well, that’s what this journal has been about.
If we look back and think about our rejective thinking or if we think about our focus and how we view ourselves, we can start to understand how and why we think the way we do.
We can understand how and why we feel and, of course, this allows us some insight of our emotional chemistry.
I know why I freak out. I know why I get angry. I know why I curse and spit at the sky sometimes and yes, I also know that if I am to reach my goals and my level of success and also, to surpass my best possible potential, I have to allow myself the time, the work, the tolerance, and the patience to improve on a daily basis.
Hence the journals.
Hence the reason why I expose my flaws and character defects.
Hence the reason I have decided to embark on this new journey.
Where am I now?
I am about to embark on a brand new trip. I have items from my past that I will have to resolve. I have some loose ends to tie up. But, I have a future ahead of me. So currently, I am awaiting a new beginning. I am in a temporary position and I am looking to move into something more permanent. I am working on this in stages and to do this, I am creating my incremental and short term goals. I am offering myself and my reward system a daily dose of exercise, proper meals and, as best as I can, I’m working on my rest.
I am working on my trick, as I call it. And yes, the trick has changed. But only slightly.
The long-term goal is to reach my best levels so that I can be at my best, even when I feel at my worst and to create a personal level of homeostasis – or balance.
That’s where I am –
Working
Changing
Growing
We are almost done with this journal. And who knows what will come next?
All I know is that without this and without you behind me, I don’t know where I’d be –
So, I choose to be here
(With you!)
The Written Addiction 