The Rebirth of Sanity – Phase Seven: Finally, Why?

Why?
This will be my last entry in this journal. What better way to finish this journal than with a look back on the birth of our greatest freak outs and meltdowns and
think about why they happened.
In fairness, I do not always know why we freak out. But at the same time, if we think about this and look at this honestly, we know exactly why we freak out. We know why we run or why we hide or fail ourselves. It’s true . . .

I started this journal no differently from any other journal before this one. I had a thought and an idea. I had an inspiration. I had a goal and a direction that I hoped to follow. I have dreams. I have wishes and hopes that somehow all of this can still be true.
However, in the way-station of life, all things do and will change and oftentimes, life changes unexpectedly. And so, to ask the question “Why?” is not always something that comes with an answer which is so simple or something that’s rational or makes sense. 

I do not know why life moves the way it does. I do not know why we fight or argue with the people we love the most. To be clear, maybe there’s an intellectual answer. Maybe there’s a clinical answer. But from the heart and from an emotional standpoint, I do not know why we fight or argue or go back and forth in such a way with the people we love the most – especially since we want them the most.
I don’t know why we are so afraid. I don’t know why we allow fear to overtake our best dreams or, in my case, I don’t know why I have allowed my selfish intimidations to become so big or insurmountable that I permitted them to either dictate or determine how I live, where or with whom.

I don’t know why we hurt others in our life. I don’t know why we take on so much weight, as in taking on the heaviness of the world or the world around us. And yes, I can see why this causes us to run away. Yes, I know there is a difference between running away from something and running towards something. I know this because I spent decades running from so many different truths and fears. I ran from this and found myself in any port in the storm; or for lack of a better term, I found myself stuck with more of the same.
I ran from myself. I ran from my worries and my doubts in which, if anything, all of these ideas perpetuated an ongoing status of regret and resentment to which I fell into a loop of repetitiveness.
And who was I mad at?
Well . . .
Of course, the answer is me.
The only problem is subjects like this and angers that turn inward cause resentments to flow outwardly. Hence, we treat people who deserve the best in ways that they deserve the least. And yes, I am guilty of this. I suppose that we all are, at least once or twice.

I made choices in my life which I understand are behind me; however, now that I am going forward, I have come to a decision that I will no longer choose a life that does not nurture or empower or honor me in the best possible ways.
I will no longer endorse any fear-based decisions which, like the decisions from my past, I can see how my choices were disloyal to my best interests.
I can see that my fear and thinking errors kept me stuck or still. Essentially, due to my series of choices, the result of my actions left me in a position that was never quite where I wanted to be.
I allowed myself to succumb to a life and let my life live me. (If that makes sense.)
This affected my work life. This affected my home life and more intimately, this affected my love life because in fairness to myself and to anyone else, I was not being loyal to my truths. I never spoke up for myself, at least not truthfully or with any clarity. Instead, I allowed myself to turn inward. Had I been loyal or had I been honest with myself or had I been true to my heart and learned to communicate or at least try, so much of this could have and would have been avoided. But then again, just because I chose option A over option B does not mean anything because in reality, I chose my direction and for whichever the reason may be, this is where I am now. Working on myself and looking for a forward motion.

I can only say that while I have been working on building this trick in my head, I know that there are changes ahead of me. There are new horizons which I will have to face and should I have to face them alone; then in my heart, I know there will always a part of me that is loyal to my love. In my heart, no matter where I go and no matter what I do from this point onward, I will honor myself by honoring my truths and honor my behavior because going forward, I know what I want and I know how I want to live. If this is so, then I have to live my life accordingly. Otherwise, I’ll never learn to make it so. 

The reason for this journal or any other journal of mine is because this is relative to where I am now. I am trying to find my rebirth of sanity. I am trying to find my special place in this world. To be clear, there are places in my heart that are reserved for this and because this is so special to me, I will always nurture this as beautiful, heartfelt, amazing and fulfilling.
There is a reason why I wanted to script the rebirth of my sanity. This is because as I walk across this earth, there are certain findings and certain things I have seen and heard and experienced. There is a certain life and a special idea that I have in my heart. I want this to be true – or, should I say it differently; I want to be true to this.
I want to be loyal to this because this is the way that I want to live my life from here on in. 

I can see why I lost moments of sanity. I can see why I was hurt. I can see why I was angry and I can see why I was lost and wandering and hoping that something, somehow, would come along and change the way I saw myself.

It is hard to remain calm or keep our sanity when we live in a quasi-state of infinite sadness or anxious discomfort and with a case of terminally unique, imposter syndrome. It is hard to be happy or comfortable when we are not living a true life or when we are living a lie or if we are living in a way that contradicts us or does not empower us.
I know this all too well and I know that you do too.
I wanted to script this as a humble reminder that life is always happening and that love, even if it doesn’t conquer all; love is always and ongoing,
at least it is to me.
Love – or should I say “My love” is true.
I want my life to be more than what it is.
That’s why I write these journals.

My life is all I have. This is me and while this might not be enough for some people, still this is all that I have. This is how I live and how I breathe. I am far from perfect. However, I am not so imperfect either.
I am not the person I was trained to believe.
I have learned that I am not what my fears assumed that I was.
I am not that kid in the front of the classroom stuttering when I would read out loud, which sounded something like this:
Th-th-thh-the . . . qu-qui-qu-quick . . . . br-bro-br-br-brown, f-f-fo-foxx, ju-ju-jum-jumped o-o-over, th-the-the, la-la-laze-lazy dog . . .”

I am not that person anymore. However, I know this person well.
I call him me.
I understand his shame. I understand his humiliation and his fears of exposure.
I am not that person who looked for a job, all those years ago, and took it just because, and when I started my job I figured, “I’ll just do this until I figure out what I want to do with my life.”
25 years later . . .
I have learned that temporary stays can become long-term and permanent if we are not careful. While we often know why we stayed where we were or remained stuck in a thought process; there is another side to the question why.
Why do we want more?
Why do we yearn for something so much bigger and brighter?
Why do we wake up, each day, regardless of whatever crap might fall in our lap?
Why do I get up at 4:00 in the morning every day, to come here, with hopes to find you and create a moment of synergy that will not exist anywhere else or make sense to anyone else?
Why do I love you as much as I do?
Why do I fight to stay alive in spite of the contradicting ideas in my head and why, of all things, have I been afraid to go, be, do, dream, dare, try and to risk it all?

These are some pretty big “Why” questions.
And I’m working on them. One at a time because I want to be better, which is not just for you but for me as well.

I have come to this moment here whereas, I know what I want and I know that I don’t want to lose another moment. Yet, there are symptoms and items and things to contend with which are beyond my control.
I don’t want to lose another night’s sleep. I don’t want to lose another day and I don’t want to waste another second, asking myself “Why?” when the truth is: I know why –
I have work to do which is something that makes me no different from anyone else in this world. We all have work to do.
And that’s fine.

So, to rebuild my sanity and find my place in this world, I am holding onto my dreams. I am mapping out a course and holding strong on my hopes of going to places that I have never seen before.
I have this trip I want to plan to New Mexico.
To be honest, there’s no one else that I want to do this with – other than you . . .
But, still, this trip cannot be ignored, nor can my reasons for wanting to make it –
There’s a Church I want to see where supposedly, there’s healing qualities.
And that’s what I want –
I want to heal.

Just out of curiosity, ever map out a trip to Chimayo, New Mexico.
I have. I do this all the time.
And I’m not stopping either
(because I can’t).

See you in the next journal . . .
at least I hope to.