I’m the new kid in town. And that’s fine.
I’m in a new place. I’m in a new station in life and my position is not what it was, but then again, nothing is what it was and for me. I say that’s a good thing.
I can’t believe what took place for me to get here, which is not to say the ride was spectacular; however, in either case, I’m at where I’m at which is here –
pleading for something, hoping, waiting and openly confessing myself without ego or the fiascos of senseless pride. So, here it is, me, abandoning an old version of “Self” and with all my heart, I only want one thing.
I want to be crazy . . .
How about that?
I want to be crazy, like back in the days, and how it was to be young. So, yes. I want to be young again yet, I am not looking for the fountain of youth nor am I looking to go back to recreate the old moments of my past. I’m not looking to give some rebirth to old nostalgia. No, I want something new.
I’m not looking to relive the past as it was nor am I looking to change any of this.
Instead, I am looking to make a new history; one that comes with ups and downs and challenges and victories and mountains to climb and obstacles to overcome.
I want to be crazy again.
And why I say this is simple.
Now that I have entered into this new stage of awareness, I have the wherewithal and the benefit of hindsight. I also have a better bank account than back when I was a kid earning peanuts for a living.
I have the benefit of experience which means that even if I have to start from scratch or start all over again and rebuild my life, at least I’m not rebuilding as a beginner.
I’m not a novice. I don’t have to overcomplicate anything. I don’t have to overthink the simple concepts or worry if I know what I’m doing (or not).
Besides, I have news for you.
Most times, no one knows what they’re doing.
They only pretend to know . . .
Most times, we’re moving at the speed of light; only, we never seem to know it until something passes or the time is gone. Then we look back, almost surprised, as if to ask, “Holy shit! Where’d the time go?”
Well, if you ask me, I have an answer.
I know where the time went. It’s behind us. It’s gone.
It is as infinite and vast and the same as the unknown future because, in either case, both are out of our hands.
The past is only a reference of what was, what happened, what used to be and therefore, we can learn from this. We can make ourselves better so that tomorrow comes with some hope and our brand new yesterdays will overlap with moments of gratitude.
We can learn from our past. We can reflect and regard the lessons we’ve shared.
We can look back with that honest smile and close our eyes, as if to see an old moment or a memory, such as the very first time we saw the love of our life.
Then we can say, “ahh,” because of all things in life, none are more incredible than this.
I want to be crazy . . .
I want to be nervous again, like it was that time when we first met. I want to feel that sense of prioritized anticipation, like the same way it was when we went out on our first date or when we kissed for the first time.
I want that feeling to be like it was when we talked on the phone for hours at a time and, to be honest, nothing else was important to me. Nothing else mattered. The world could have shut off. The lights could have gone out. The heat could go or the air conditioning could break, and there I’d be – sitting in the dark, still smiling (and talking to you) and no matter what world-war took place, I’d be fine.
I want to be that crazy . . .
I want to feel like summertime, all the time, and experience life like it was when the carnival came to town.
Would you go?
With me, I mean?
I want to feel that sense of giddiness and be anxious, like it was when I’d see beauty and think to myself, “What am I going to say to her?”
“How am I going to entice her?”
“How am I going to make her kiss me?”
“How am I going to make her mine?”
Or better yet, how can I get her to choose me and so in the morning, when the sun comes up, what’s it going to be like when the orange and purple mist from the sunrise hits the vestibule, just outside the bedroom and when the colored hue from the morning sunlight breaks through the curtains, and when it slices through the quiet of morning like a knife, what’s it going to be like to see her sleeping on my shoulder?
Could you imagine?
I can.
My arm around her, as if to be a protector and lover, and everything in-between.
Her legs cuddled around me, sheets swaddled around us and her body, naked as ever, amazing, beautiful and sleeping with that after-sex glow, which was incredible, let alone miraculous, and there she is curled into me like the complement of a great exhale after the world breathed in and just like that, together, we can finally breathe out.
No distractions.
No bothers.
No worries about what to say or do and the only idea which would be pressing at the time is how soon can I wake her –
just so we can make love again.
I’m telling you this right here and right now.
I want to be crazy . . .
Nothing else.
I want to create a new history. I want to create a new display of affection so that I can recreate my association with human touch, emotion and, of course, I want build a bridge between where I am now and where I want to be, which is crazier now than I’ll ever be
(until tomorrow)
And sure, I’m crazy.
I’m crazy for looking into this to see what has to happen to make this so.
I’m sure this is crazy, right?
I’m crazy because I want that feeling so insurmountable, so big and so huge, or so incredible and undeniable and so unbeatable that nothing could stop me.
No one could ever destroy me or take me away from this new destination called life, which has changed due to the alterations of life – or what, in spite of the altercations of life; I want this to be my whole life; my story, as in my reason why I’ve journeyed this far so that by the time of this publication, I’ll be free to make it known that I want more.
In fact, I want more than more.
I want it all.
I want to drive through small towns. I want to pick out my new place of residence and find a forever home, even if forever is short-term, then fine.
I want to learn from where I’ve been.
I want to create a better path so that my past is nothing but a series of brilliant memories.
And she? Or her?
Yes, she is real. So real.
She is so soft. And her eyes? Wow. I’ve never seen anything so deep and so meaningful and so pure or filled with simple, almost childlike emotion.
I love this.
I love all of this.
I love that I can see her details and trace her outlines with the pencil in my mind. And yes, if I could, I would bring her with me to stand at the doorway of our yesterdays and tell her, “It’s time to say goodbye now. It’s time to say goodbye to all of this – because we’re here now. Together, the way we’re supposed to be.”
I want to be young again.
But not in the sense that others might think. When I say young again, this is not the way most would figure or assume. No, I want to feel the same as I did when I was a kid; and yes, I want to be the way I was when I was able to dare the world so that I can be reborn in a sense. However, I don’t want to rid myself of all that I’ve learned. No, I want me as I am now to be with her now.
I want to use what I have learned and what I have seen so that I can entice her. I can hold her.
I can tease her, like a pro. I can be the strong one or the smart one; or if she’ll have me, I can be the sexy one and if she agrees, no one else could ever possibly match me or take my place.
That’s what I want.
I am not typical by any means. To define this in a better way, it has taken me decades to reach this mark.
Therefore, it has taken me decades to declare this love which, to me, is the truest of all loves.
I want to be clear, my love has curves. My love has differences. My love is smart. My love is strong and interesting and soft and so hypnotic in a sense that yes, I can be lost in her.
I can find myself in her gateways and move into her sea like a ship in the ocean – and so, when I find myself or when I arrive, I want her to know that nothing and no one else in the world could ever make me feel this way. No one else could come close to this sort of beautiful or this kind of perfect.
I want to be vulnerable too.
How about that?
I want to be transparent and not worry about whether my past will arise or repeat itself. I want to see her, standing at the window, looking outside and not worry if she’s thinking about being somewhere else.
I want the security of a smile and to know that no one else will ever have, see or receive the same things as me because to her, there is only me and to me, there is only her, which is perfect.
I tell you that she is exceptional and, even more, she is real.
I know she is
Even if we are not perfect, then fine, so be it.
This is a note from my new town.
This is thought and an entry into my new project and journal which will be my new script for the rest of my life.
For the record, please let it be known . . .
I spent my first night in my new place, which is not ready yet.
I’m waiting to get some more of my things. I have some furniture on the way. I have cable coming to hook up the television and the computer.
I have a whole, brand new future to look forward to.
Should I be allowed to then yes, I plan to go crazy because to me, this is the only sane and responsible thing to do – to go crazy, to dare and to risk it all.
So bring it on and come what may – and to hell with all the damned and to hell with the doubt.
Fuck’em!
This is my time now. I won’t let this go nor will I let you go, nor will I allow this moment to slip through my fingers because I gripped things too tightly.
No, I want to cherish this in such a tender delight and feel you in such a way that when we touch, we know that this is the truth.
This is the time to be smart. And I get that.
This time, I plan to take my time yet I will not waste a second nor will I allow the sunrise to go unnoticed with her, next to me, naked as ever, curled against my side, and swaddled in sheets with pillows thrown all around the bedroom. I want to enjoy the chaos of intimacy, so amazing, so wild and so deep and profound that as I sit and watch the colors of sunlight break through the curtains – I can close my eyes and breathe in with a smile because goddammit, I got her.
And goddammit, she’s mine.
(all mine . . .)
Now, ain’t that something?
There’s nothing wrong with being crazy by the way –
You just need the right person to be crazy with –
otherwise, it’s about as interesting as an insurance seminar.
By the way, the right one can make those fun too.
That’s her, by the way, next to me swaddled in the sheets of my life and connected to me by this thing we call fate and destiny.
I don’t know much about my new neighborhood, yet.
But whatever will be, will be.
And me . . .
I’ll be crazy about it – for always.
The Written Addiction 