Notes from the Neighborhood – First Morning

I am sitting in a small room, softly lit by a small lava lamp, which is important to me for different reasons. For all intents and purposes, I suppose I will call this my living room and my writing room. Above anything else; I suppose I’ll call this place my shelter from the storms.
Behind me is the blowing-hum of an air conditioner which is in the window of an upstairs apartment in a small house. I am sitting at a small desk, which is big enough for me and my laptop which, of course, is the way that I am speaking to you now.
I am building a new space for myself which is far from easy nor is this without any challenge or damages. In fact, i have plenty of both at the moment. But then again, who doesn’t?
So much has happened in such a short amount of time; hence, this is my reason for this journal. This is why I have decided to call this my notes from the neighborhood. This is my new spot and my new neighborhood, which means I have the chance to create a new beginning for myself.
I think I’ll call this my opportunity . . .

I want to make this personal. I want to include you in everything I’m seeing and going through. And of course, I want to normalize the items in my head which are the things that make me crazy. And am I crazy?
Sure. Why not?
I suppose it would be suffice to say that I have forfeited some of my previous comforts. I walked away from a life that was previously flawed. Yes, I did this both knowingly and willingly.
Was this right or fair or could life have happened differently?
Everything could happen differently. Only, nothing happens different from the way it happens.
This is just a dilemma of the mind.
This is more of a “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” type problem, which the mind placates by rehearsing old or previous conversations (or arguments) and since we might have said or done something that did not suit us or if we thought of something better to say, post-conflict, that might have changed the outcome to something easier or more favorable; then, of course, the mind grabs hold and runs with it.
So . . . nothing happens differently from the way it was supposed to happen.
But we think it should’ve.

So on comes the mental masturbation of “could’ve, would’ve, should’ve” ideas that take place during the aftermath of our lives.
But me, I say this is a waste and as of late, I realized that I have wasted enough time.
Haven’t we all?

So, fuck it , , , 

I say to hell with this kind of thinking. What should’ve happened, did happen, and whether we like it or not, life happens to everyone.
I’m not sure about luck. I’m not sure about bad luck either. However, I do believe in Karma and Karmic debt which I guess I have something coming my way.
But don’t we all?
No one here has ever been able to declare themselves a saint.
And I am no saint.
I do know a few though – happily.
The trick here is to not allow life’s terms to dictate or determine our happiness.
I get that part. It’s the execution of this plan that can be a challenge.
Let’s put it in simple terms: It ain’t easy to pull off the trick of living well, regardless of life’s term’s or what’s going on around us.
We have to adapt. We have to overcome and even if we get knocked down hard, or even if we are hurt and bleeding, and even when we’re unsure if we can get back up and stand again, let alone recover; no matter what, there is no quit. There is no reverse. There is no sad submission nor lamenting grief or complaining nor permission to withdraw or quit or exit this great stage from either direction.
We’re in it now.
Live. No rehearsals.
There are no excuses.
You have a job to do, which is life.
This life. So, live it.
Stop complaining. Start doing.
Start building. Start working and by any means necessary, start looking to pull of your greatest comeback and switch positions to gain the great reversal.

As I reach out to you, I am sitting in a small, mostly undecorated apartment.
I know why I am here. I can see why I have my bouts with regret and perhaps I should have done things sooner or differently. But again, anything that could’ve happened did happen, which means I’ll have to adapt.
I can’t regret this. I can’t regret anything. I can’t be pissed at the problems or the obstacles ahead of me.
My job is to find possibilities and opportunities.
I have to maintain my routine.
I have to exercise. I have to allow for both physical and emotional fitness.
I can’t stop the wheels of life which are in motion now because, after all, this is life. Whether we like it or agree or not, life is happening at full speed.
Life is happening at all times and in fairness, our only helpful option is to grow or to evolve and move along with it.
Otherwise – we drown.

I cannot look back in anger or regret because neither anger nor regret can change what’s taken place.
Regret does nothing but lead to more regret. And anger comes with the same connection.
But I’m not angry or regretful.
I’m just growing.
That’s all.

So, for now –
I am awaiting a call which should come shortly and within a specified window of time. This will hopefully be a simple delivery of some humble furniture to go in a small place which will be my home for the next year or so. My living space is certainly smaller than what it was. My car is humble and somewhat beaten, which is okay for now.
My life is not simple; yet, everything has been simplified and minimized for effect.
Now that I have found myself where I am, which is still with you, only the room is different, I have some growth to do.
I have some hopes and some ideas to unburden myself from the heaviness of my own thinking.
I choose to move now because if I am to be where I am which, of course, “where else would I be?” then I have to find ways to overcome the unfair nature of the internal dialogue and the demons that whisper in my ears.

 . . . oops . . .
I paused just now to run downstairs in my boxer shorts and place the last of my trash at the curb so the garbage truck could take this away.
I had to get this done because I didn’t want to forget – or be too late.
But I’m back now.

The sun is coming up now. This is my first entry from my new place, which is somewhat of a lucky miracle because to find this as quickly as I did is really incredible.
It’s small. Yes. But it’s nice. It’s clean.
And for the meantime, it’s mine.

I don’t know my way around the neighborhood so much. I don’t have my coffee machine yet, which is somewhat unfortunate.
But it’s on the way. A lot of things are on the way
and that’s good. (for now)

I’ve not felt like myself for a while. Then again, moving and changing locations, changing my relationships status and changing my career path are three of the most major changes in the world, which are all taking place, right now, and right here.
Anything in life can change at any given moment.
I was thinking of the comment by Cameron Hanes:
Nobody cares. Work harder.

Life is happening and yes, life is changing.
There is a long list of the unknown just waiting for me right outside of my new front door.
Nothing makes this life-threatening. In most cases, life is just a series of smoke and mirrors and tricks and a list of intimidations.
But this doesn’t have to be the case.
I don’t have to be afraid. There’s no rule that says I do.
If I choose, I can be brave at any given moment or vulnerable, but only when the company is right.
I don’t have to worry all the time. I don’t have to wait for the impending doom nor do I have to submit to the obstacles ahead of me.
For the record, neither do you!

The sun is coming up.
I can see this through the blinds in my new place, which I’ll have to change at some point.
The blinds, I mean and perhaps the air conditioner in the window as well.
I think it’s seen better days.
Either way – I’ll have to do what I can to make this place my own.
Better yet, I’ll have to do what I can to make this place my home.
At least, for a little while. 

Home . . .
I know what this word means. And I know what I want this word to mean to me. 

By the way, I went grocery shopping last night. I’m not as good as I should be with this.
Everything is expensive now. But that’s okay.
I’ll work for it. I’ve had to work for everything else in my life. So?
Why should my new life be any different?