This letter to all is my letter of intention.
This is to you –
This is to the one who keeps my time. This is to the one who keeps track of my mistakes and my faults and to the one who reminds me of my misspoken chaos or the times which I regret.
Also:
This is to the one who I think of and hope for. This is to my future as well as to my past. This is to you, the one who holds me and knows me and to you, this is written with all that I have and with all that I can muster. This is everything to me.
This is to every piece of me and to each part of you as well.
This is equally to no one and simply, this is me removing the unwanted ashes and placing them elsewhere;. As well, this is simply a transfer of energy and my so-called relief valve – to keep me from blowing up or losing my top.
I am changing now. Or maybe I should say that I am evolving.
Yes, maybe evolving is a better word for what’s happening.
I am growing into a different person.
This is good for me.
As a matter of fact, I suppose this is good for everyone else too.
This helps both of us because otherwise, nothing can or will change or manifest itself unless I take the risk or choose to dare and make things happen.
This is to you –
The person I was. This is also to you, the person I’ve never met before which is the person I am hoping to become.
This is to let you know that I am coming. I’m just around the corner so please, keep the lights on.
I’ll be there soon.
This is also an introduction to “myself” or to the person I want to be –
This is to the bravery that I want to earn.
This is to the patience it will take for me to reach my goals.
This is to the determination it will take to continue when the motivation runs low.
This is a reminder to not quit and to refuse to give up, especially whenever things get unpleasant or rough or even unlikely.
This is to the underdog in my heart –
No one told us there’s no way to win.
No one told us that life is only win or lose. Besides, you never see things like this.
All you see is determination. All you see is doggedness. All you see is march, move forward, go, be and do.
I need more of that in my life.
The enemies at the gate are not looking to play fairly.
And their lies are hurtful. However, and at the same time, I understand their rules.
I understand their interaction. I know why they lie and I know why they’re looking to make waves.
Then again, life is mostly a game of smoke and mirrors which means we don’t have to fall for the tricks.
We don’t have to invest in the games or, at minimum, we don’t have to invest in what took place by reliving the conversations from our past or wishing that we went at this differently.
People always say, “It didn’t have to be this way.”
But I question this.
Things happen exactly as they are supposed to happen.
Here is where the lessons come from –
So, we learn . . .
This is to my hope which is part of my heart –
I hope that you are out there and ready. I hope that you are waiting for me as much as I am hoping and waiting for you.
This is to the parts of my heart which I have kept away and guarded.
I lived my life according to errors in my thinking and mistakes in my head.
This is to the parts of my heart which I never allowed to beat as well as I should have.
In my efforts to keep you safe, I hurt you more than I protected you.
This was a mistake and for this, I’m sorry.
This is to my spirit which is as wild as a child who’s been set free after being indoors for way too long.
This is to the love in my heart to which I know who you are. And I know where you’ve been.
I know what you’ve gone through but with a little help, I think I can meet you more than halfway this time – and together, we can set you free.
This is to my fantasy.
You have always been so brave and so true to who you are; however, it was me who held you back.
And for this, I apologize.
I’m sorry.
This is to the child I was –
I should have protected you. I should have listened to you more and, at the same time, I should have listened to other people less.
I should have realized our value together and that mostly everyone is playing some kind of game or looking to pull off a trick.
And so are we.
It is not uncommon to be confused. It is not uncommon to flinch or worry or see things that might keep us from moving forward.
It’s not uncommon to be lost or to wonder if we fit or if we make sense.
It’s okay. Even if we don’t make sense – that’s fine.
Come to think of it, if I could tell you anything, perhaps I would tell you this first.
It’s okay.
Nothing is as tragic as it seems –
I’d tell you that this is the same with our fear of the dark or the monsters under the bed.
Besides, it’s not the dark or the monster under the beds that scares us. No, it’s the unknown of what’s in there. It’s the worry that something unforeseen might come and something unexpected could hurt us (or break our hearts).
Let’s face it . . .
No one asks to be vulnerable.
No one wants to be hurt or look like a fool.
No one wants to be exposed or humiliated and certainly, nobody wants to put their hearts into everything only to find that their love is not returned or worse, the love they thought they found was not love at all.
This is to the man I was –
Your insecurities baffle me yet I understand them all.
Your ability to back yourself into a corner or to self-destruct is mind-blowing to me; yet, I get it.
I can say that yes, we can make mistakes.
We make big ones too, in fact.
But again, I say it this way on purpose.
We make mistakes.
Mistakes don’t make us. Perhaps you and I should remember that
Your self-destructive response disorder, which is a phrase that both you and I invented, is also mind-blowing.
It seems that we both have a false sense of self.
We don’t know who we are. We are unaware of our true value.
We have a poor understanding of who we are in this world; and more, we are unaware of how worthy we are, which is unfortunate because how can you get what you deserve in life when you are unable to calculate your value?
It would seem that somehow we believed in the lies more than our truths.
Our fears took hold, which can be changed and if we choose to, we can look at this from a different angle.
Not to mention, fear is an excellent motivator; as in the fear of loss, the fear of pain, the fear of exposure and the fear of either internal or public humiliation. Then, of course, there’s the fear of loneliness or of having absolutely no one at the end of the day; there’s no one to roll over to and say, “I love you” to or no one to kiss goodnight. Or more, there’s no one to dream with or confide in or laugh with.
This is frightening but none is more frightening than being in the wrong places with the wrong people or laying in bed with someone and between you is the coldness of empty space and dammit all, God forbid you accidentally touch them in the middle of the night because the awkwardness of your separation is too much for words to explain.
I don’t hate anyone and I don’t want anyone to hate me. However, part of this is my choice and the other part is beyond my control.
We all have these fears (I suppose).
I get this which is fine and equally none of this is uncommon.
But my question for us is this: How long are we going to live like this?
When are we going to stop living our life according to the calendars of worry, projection, anticipation, anxiety or doubt?
When are we going to decide that it’s our turn?
And then, when are we going to permit ourselves to dare it all and go for the dreams we share?
I think that’s a great question.
We have the chance to be happy.
We can do this too because there is no rule or law that says we have to be unhappy.
We can do this.
You do know that, right?
This is to the breakage in my life and to the heart and soul and this is to the damages I have received and equally, this is to the damages I have caused.
I am aware of you.
I am here to amend these faults of mine and to rectify my flaws due to either a preemptive attack out of fear or via a post traumatic belief or episode. I am here to change my future so that I do not recreate my past – and I will do this by starting with the present. I’m saying goodbye to this old version of “self” because in order for me to feel better, I’ll have to think better. This way, I can live better.
Also –
Neither one of us will ever get out of here alive – because hey, this is life and trust me, time keeps ticking.
So let’s say that we come to an agreement.
How’d that be?
I’ll be more mindful of what I do or say. As for you and your part in this, you needn’t remind me of the dangers at every turn.
As it is, I have postponed much of my life because of your worries and due to your voice in my thoughts, I have procrastinated and withdrawn more than tilted forward or dared to live my life.
However, I recognize that this is all due to a lack of belief.
This is due to an unsureness that I am deserving of more and that I am somehow faulty or somehow emotionally disabled.
This is to the person who owns my heart –
I love you. I don’t know where you are right now. I don’t know if you are awake or sleeping.
I don’t know if you are thinking of me or if your mind is elsewhere.
I don’t know if I allowed the train to go too many stops before getting off and I’m too far past the station.
I mean, who knows if it’s too late or not?
Am I too old now?
Or is it that I’m too old and still too childish?
This is to my dreams –
We are in a rebuilding phase. Nothing is settled. And yes, I get it.
The last few weeks have come with unforeseen changes.
Both you and I have been to places and experienced things that we’ve feared and never thought would happen.
Yet, somehow, we sort of knew that one day we’d be outside again, alone and having to rebuild once more.
We have to rebuild and reshape our life now, which is okay.
We knew this was coming.
We might not have known how to execute or make a change.
And we might not have gone about this the right way – if there is such a thing.
However, deep down we knew . . .
It was only a matter of time.
Well, the time has come.
Neither of us have time to waste, which means now is the time to get things done.
I don’t know where this road is going to lead us. I don’t know if this means that we are going to improve our position or if our dreams will be the same as they were.
I understand that certain plans have been put on hold and that in some cases, other plans have been laid to rest – at least for now.
You and I have a life to live.
We both have dreams and desires.
We both have wants and needs and yes, life is changing.
Neither of us know what’s coming next – but that doesn’t mean we have to quit.
This doesn’t mean that we have the right to give in.
This doesn’t mean that nothing in our hearts is valid anymore.
But more to the point, this does not mean that we are not valid.
We are valid.
It’s okay.
We’re in a new place and we live in a new town. But so long as we see it this way, at least we have us.
This means at least we are together and that no matter what, we will never be alone again.
Besides, we already know what it’s like to be alone in crowds – and I don’t want that for me or you or for anybody.
I want to be happy.
That’s all . . .
Don’t you?
The Written Addiction 