Notes from the Neighborhood – A Fresh Start

I suppose the real question is . . .
What if I take a shot?
What if I go at it and I miss?
What if I give it everything I have and I come up short?
Or worse, what if I fall and then I end up with dirt on my face?

Meanwhile, this great big world around me sees that, at best, I failed and, at worst, I never even stood a chance.
I cannot begin to tell you how many years it’s been. Life this way . . .
I’m not sure when this thinking began.
I only know that these were regular concepts to me. This was my everyday thinking which decays the soul and mutes the heart from all the beautiful ideas around us. This limited me in my so-called normal, everyday life.

I have been told that I should keep my cards close to the vest. I have been told to never let anybody see me sweat.
“Never let anyone get in on you” is another idea and, of course, I was told, “Don’t trust anyone” and that the world is a dangerous place, which it is – at times.
Yet, here I am openly confessing to my weaknesses. I am openly calling myself out as well as openly pointing a finger at my personal dishonesties and the betrayals which I have committed.
According to the rules I was taught, this is not what I’m supposed to be doing. No, I am a man, at least I think I am. This means I’m supposed to act, be, walk and talk a certain way.
Well yes, I am a man. I am imperfect. I am flawed. I have my secrets. I have my skeletons in closets who have their own closets with their own secrets to hide. And sure, I have sins. I have a record of them to which my insecurities are alive and well and they love to remind me of this on a daily basis.

If I am to be honest, then let me be honest here – with you, and then if I am to start anywhere, then I have to start here – with me.

No one has the right to dictate or determine the course of our life.
Yet, I can see how, in many cases, I have allowed for this.
I can identify moments in my life where I surrendered my energy and my decisions to the importance of others and their acceptance or opinion.
Even while supposedly living in a state of rebellion or defiance; still, I can see where I allowed myself to give my greatest energy to outside influences who would either impede or intrude upon my happiness.

I can see where I surrendered my smile – and to be clear, another saying of mine is as follows:
The day that anybody steals my smile is the same day they stole me.
Stealing me was the easiest thing “they” ever did – and me, allowing this to happen was the saddest thing I have ever allowed.
Hence, I had to stop the theft which was within – because nothing was actually stolen. No, I allowed the emotional robberies with an unhealthy, open-door policy.
I also allowed myself the wrong estimations and unhealthy behaviors due to a string of misbeliefs.

I cannot allow for this anymore.
There is a degree of healthy selfishness which needs to be learned. There is a balance. There is a middle ground. However, there is also me and my inventory to which I know that this is me responding to thoughts, ideas, influences and suggestions from my opinion.
I know that due to the influences of my unhelpful biases, I can see where I balked or paused, or where I quit before I began.

I can see where some of my biggest attempts at great things were half-hearted because of an internal judgment or a thinking error which degraded me from my best efforts. Thus, I found myself at the end of a self-fulfilled prophecy. There I was saying something like, “See? I told you so!”
I knew I couldn’t do it –
So, I didn’t do it. All I did was fulfill my own fears.

I can see where the emotional expectation led me to flinch or act either nervously or in my defense, I can see where I allowed a false bravado to step in and compensate for my internal worries that hey – they can see that I don’t know what I’m talking about. They can tell . . . “and, you better cover up now, kid” – because it’s only a matter of time before someone exposes me as a fraud and then what? There I am looking foolish – again.

Do you have any idea how much energy it takes to be at your own defense at all times?
Do you know how draining it is to live this way?
This was me in my most catabolic times; draining and sad, degrading and failing to myself and to my internal intimidations.
I allowed myself to be intruded upon. I was not a victim to anyone; yet, I was more so a volunteer in many cases because with a lack of self-esteem or understanding of myself – I never saw that perhaps I was deserving of better or that I was capable of more.

Catabolic is draining and degrading.

Anabolic is feeding and flourishing
I need to flourish and grow now.
I have to stop the mental obstacles and grow stronger by working on my weaknesses.

I know that I have mentioned this in the previous entries yet I am about to repeat myself now – I am in a rebuilding phase.
I am back to the beginning in so many ways and yes, I’m hoping for a miracle.
I am hoping to reveal my truths and to strengthen my weaknesses, I am working to expose my flaws and to soften or weaken the hard exteriors of my personal intimidations.
I have a lot to deal with. And I can’t go at all of this at once.
I have thoughts and fears. I have doubts. I have financial concerns. I have a new home life. I am working on building and understanding a new love life. My professional life has changed and continues to change.
I have to expose all of my deepest dishonesties to foil them and to keep them from ruining me any further.
I have to allow myself to evolve in this process.
Otherwise, it’s only another turn where I’ve quit before I began.

I want to remove myself from my old or familiar (and most likely unhealthy) patterns.
There’s no need to fight an invisible enemy anymore.
Of course, there’s not.
The enemy in my head can either win or lose at any given moment. However, this all depends on which source I choose to feed – 

Do I feed my enemies by entertaining them?
Or do I allow myself the dignity to regain my composure and to resume my life and reclaim my rights as a person? Do I recognize the enemy is me?
This means that the fight, which has turned inward, can end at any given moment.
And I can be free – If I choose to be.

I have considered all the scenarios in my head that have done nothing else but hurt me or worse, they have degraded me and allowed me to quit before I began.
I have had those long-winded, unwanted conversations in my head. I have rehearsed my responses as to what I would say, “just in case” or how I would respond “if I had to fight back,” just to be ready . . . but to what avail?

What if I try and I fail?
What if I realize that my ego and my fears of shame and public humiliation are actually a sense of egotistical nonsense and that in my conceit, the idea of a proposed level of self-importance and noticeability is far beyond a realistic view.
Sure, there may be people who point fingers and say things like, “look at this asshole.”
Sure, there are people who point and snicker and judge.
I know because I’ve done this myself. In fairness, I know there were times when I pointed and judged or laughed and shook my head with the others next to me in the crowd. Meanwhile, I knew I was wrong because I knew there were times when my insecurity would poke at me and say, “Who’re you kidding? You know you couldn’t do it either!”

There was a time when I was trying to play a sport as hard as I possibly could.
I sucked . . .
I was young and small and much less talented than the others on the team. I had little to no athletic ability. I couldn’t play the game very well – and to settle the curiosity, the game is called basketball.
I couldn’t reach the net from the foul line – so, I had to try to shoot underhand which made the other kids laugh at me.
I was laughed at.
I was picked on.
But either way, I showed up at every practice.
I suited up for every game. I hated this. I hated the other kids on the team.
I hated that I couldn’t play very well.
I hated everyone around me.

The idea of “playing a game” indicated the idea of fun or excitement. I can understand the need to win. I can understand the competitive nature of the sport and the team’s desire to be undefeated, which we were. But me; I wanted to play. I wanted to enjoy the game.
But in my head, I couldn’t.
I couldn’t have fun.
Do you know why?
The reason for this is because I allowed for an internal scrutiny.
I allowed my enjoyment for life to be ruined or stolen; in which case, the same day I chose to forfeit my smile was the same day I chose to forfeit myself.

I know that I have made mistakes. I have done things which are otherwise embarrassing. I have betrayed my best nature by allowing my dishonesties to grow roots and, like a weed, I have allowed these weeds to suffocate the roots of my best interests. 

What if I shoot and miss?
Well, to answer this, I have to explain that I was never much of a scorer when I played basketball.
I never saw much playing time; however, there was a time when I was in the game and I took a shot – I sunk the ball in the basket.
I didn’t worry or overthink anything.
I didn’t overestimate my opponents nor did I underestimate my ability to take the shot. In a more simple form and to rest any of my more flowery descriptions, I just took the shot. I hit the basket. People cheered and the game went on.
If I had missed, the same thing would have happened – the game would have gone on.
The difference is my association with the shot or my sense of “self.”
But, I have to say, it felt pretty damned good to shoot the ball and hit the basket.

Part of why I need you the most is because I have lived in the worries of my social fears for way too long.
Another part of why I need you as much as I do is because you allow me the right to take it easy on myself.
There’s a line in a book that I read which stated, “no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence.”

I think of this and the way I unfairly compare myself and how I brutalize myself with a set of judgments that are not only scrutinous but unfair, unhealthy and, goddammit, this is something that is just downright undeserving.

What if I fail?
What if I miss?
Ah, but what if I make it?
What if I hit?
What if I take a shot and give my life the chance we deserve?

Better yet, what if I view myself this way and as I begin to rebuild and start over from square one; what if I allow myself the vision of happiness and let this become my focus?
What would that do?

See, the old me would say, “that would do nothing else but lead me towards disappointment.”
But I don’t want the old me or the old narratives anymore.
I don’t want anything coming in to impose or interrupt my progress.
The new me is in need of a new vision.
I live in a new town. I have a new apartment, which is not to say the place is new by any means, but the place is new to me. And so is the life I am about to face.

I don’t want anymore pain nor do I want to cause anymore conflict –

It’s time to heal. It’s time to reset my focus – and like it was that time when I played basketball as a little kid – it’s time to take my shot because hit or miss, it’s better than not trying or quitting before I started . . .

I want to share everything with you here. . .
I hope that you don’t mind.
I want to wipe away the sadness and clear out the cobwebs in that dungeon known as our subconscious biases.
I want to start all over; to erase the slate but if it’s okay. I’ll keep my good memories (like the right to jump up and down) because this is what leads me to where I am now –

Here

with you . . .
Searching for my happiness.
One day at a time