I was never sure if I knew what love is. I suppose I compared it to the artwork of Benfield, which I am certainly a fan of him and Thomas Kinkade. Either of them, for some reason, have the ability to inspire me with their paintings. But wait – what is this?
Is this too sappy for an early morning explanation of where I am (or why)?
But wait – there’s more.
I suppose all of this goes against the grain of what I was taught. All of this goes against what I used to think or believe. As far as what it means to be a man, I understand that my definition has changed over the years.
Then again, I have changed over the years too. I am not who I was nor do I want to be who I used to be.
At the same time, I am working on this new life which I have been telling you about. I realize that I have to let go. I have to unburden myself, which means I have to rid myself from the wreckage of my past or the so-called past dilemmas that either led me towards an idea of personal destruction or furthered my drowning moments in emotional quicksand.
No one wants to drown. No one wants to be miserable. No one wants to be alone and at the same time, no one wants to be with the wrong people just to save them from a lonely existence.
As far as being a man; once more, I am about to go against the grain. I am neither strong nor tough. I’m not too comfortable around others. I have social and general anxieties that make life challenging.
I don’t like the unknown changes. I don’t like the feeling of impending doom. Yet, I was told that as a man, I am supposed to stand in the face of fear and/or as Dylan Thomas wrote, “Rage against the dying of the light.” I was told who a man is supposed to be.
Men don’t cry. Right?
But I do –
In fact, I just did.
Men are supposed to be the hunter/gatherer.
We’re supposed to work hard and eat everything on our plate.
I used to think that a man drinks beer and blackberry brandy in the winter, just to keep warm when it’s cold outside.
I used to think a man had all the answers. A man knows how to endure and he can take pain.
He can eat it, just like candy.
As for pain, I’ve taken enough. I’ve endured to a fault.
I’ve hurt for long enough.
There was this idea of being impenetrable, which I am not.
There is the idea of being flawed and so what?
I’m a man, right?
I’m supposed to be imperfect – but I have to be able to back this up and defend my imperfectness with a threatening or intimidating pose.
But the truth is – I lost my posture a long time ago.
I was taught . . .
A man can live with something being wrong forever.
You don’t complain. You don’t explain.
You just endure.
That’s all.
As in period. End of sentence.
I know on the outside, I have the anatomy which would typically describe or define me as a man.
I have all the so-called equipment. I have a beard too, if that helps.
(But I’m not sure)
Either way, whatever my genetic makeup defines me as, I don’t know much about being a man or manhood. Least of all, I’m not sure if anything I was told or taught about being a man or manhood is accurate.
The truth is –
I’m afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of being alone.
I’m afraid that I won’t fit anywhere or that if I am included, eventually, I will be uninvited or excluded as an invalid candidate and worse, I am afraid that I will eventually be found out that my worst fears were true. Essentially, I will be marked with shame or become stigmatized and worse, I will eventually become the man in exile with no country and no one to call my own.
I used to tussle with the ideas of stepping away and learning how to be alone.
Yet, the last thing I ever want to be is alone.
Do you know what I want?
And I mean, I really want this . . .
I want to be comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be grateful for who I am and find “Gratitude in my attitude,” or at least this is what I heard someone say –
I want to close the door and not worry if anyone will ever knock on it again.
I want to be comfortable in the company of one person – or more importantly, I want this to be the only person in the world.
I want to be open. I don’t want to hold anything back. I want to let you in – to see everything and to let you know everything. At the same time, there wouldn’t be a shred of discomfort or vulnerability – not one tiny shred because in my heart and in my head, at last, I have found my home and my love or at best, I can finally say that, at last, my real life is about to begin.
I know that I was told what love is.
I also know that in my past, my best references of love or intimacy were discussed with old friends who had names like “Johnny the Rug.” In all fairness – Johnny the Rug was not a romantic by any means.
But me, I want to be romantic.
I want to dance.
I want to plan the prom that I never went to.
I want to dance in the moonlight and slow dance beside the river in the summertime beneath an evening sky.
I want love. I say this because I need love.
More accurately, I need your love.
I need this because (and again, here goes the honest approach) I am not sure how to do this the right way. So, please – allow me this time to bow humbly before you because with all my heart and flaws, I’d like to offer myself to you in any way you see fit.
I do not know how to dance very well. But I can try.
I can learn.
I can open myself up to the humbling moments and be myself without any need to decorate my life or pretend to be someone else.
That’s what I want.
I know that I have made mistakes in my life.
And yes, some of my mistakes have been hurtful to others.
To put this out there – Dear Universe: I wish I could take that back, but the past is gone and all I have now is this moment.
So please allow me to finish.
All I have is my humility and with a modest approach, I am awaiting a dance away from prying eyes.
I want to be in the midst of a quiet, more intimate setting.
I am awaiting the right moment and the right time to express my every thought, every feeling and every emotion.
I don’t care if this is what real men do.
I don’t care because this is what I want to do
I have come to realize that my nature needs to change, which is not to say that I am looking to change everything about myself.
No, I am simply looking to improve.
I have some mountains to climb – so-to-speak.
I have some obstacles in front of me now which I can either allow them to beat me or I can turn this into an opportunity. I can adapt, I can overcome and, more importantly, I can evolve from my inappropriate shell of who I thought I was supposed to be and then – I can be more of who I am. And I mean “Who I am,” as in really . . .
All of this goes against the grain of what I was taught.
This isn’t tough, is it?
Maybe not. But I do think this is brave.
So, whether I am a man or not, at least let me be brave then.
Last night, I had a breakdown. I was in my small place and considering the uphill battles that are coming my way.
I was thinking about the financial wars that are about to take place. I was thinking about the hard feelings which come with divorce and yes, I was thinking about the differences and the discomfort of truth.
More to this, I was thinking about my part in all of this and what I mean is there’s my side of the street which I am responsible for.
I am wrong – I get that.
I am not looking to defend myself. Instead, I am being honest.
I am in search of you, the most beautiful dance partner in the world.
I was thinking of Roberta Flack when she sang, “Just when I needed you.”
There is a history behind this song for me. In part, the history is funny because the song is from a movie which was the very first R rated film that I saw on cable television when I was a kid . . .
I remember the song. I remember when I heard the song too.
I remember thinking that must be what love feels like when you’re a grownup which, of course, leads me to question if I am a grownup at all, let alone a man.
Well?
Yes, I’m a grownup.
I’m a kid.
I’m scared.
I’m not sure what to do or how to keep myself busy.
I’m worried about things which are beyond my control. And sure, it’s true
Sometimes . . . I don’t know how to keep my mind from slipping into that murky bath of emotional quicksand –
See what I mean?
I always thought that a man should know how to navigate away or through this. But I don’t . . . at least not by myself.
I need help and for some strange reason, I used to think that asking for help showed weakness. And maybe it is (sometimes)
But I am weak right now.
I am humbled.
I am sitting here trying to reach you with my heart in my head and if at all possible, I was wondering about that dance . . .
I was wondering if you had a song to add to the playlist.
I was wondering if this is too soft or if this makes me seem too imperfect to be considered.
But to hell with it –
The one thing I find solace in is that with a true heart; my love knows me well and knows me perfectly.
And with that, nothing could break or dissolve my love nor could this dispose or erase the love that is out there for me –
“Somebody somewhere . . . heard me cry.”
These words sang from the song “Just when I needed you.”
To me, my love knows these things.
Better yet, my love will never blink or flinch or step away.
And I know . . .
I know all about it . . .
This is not a manly post about me or my neighborhood or about the scars that I can brag about or the amount of food I can eat –
There’s nothing tough about this entry.
Instead – this is about a man’s ability to love – and to love fully, wholeheartedly, as well as perfectly.
That’s what I want to do and this is who I want to be.
That’s all I want to do at this point –
to repair my life
to set up my little place –
and to make it perfect for when my love comes home with me –
because when she arrives, finally, my real life can begin.
The Written Addiction 