Notes from the Neighborhood – I Have Silk Sheets

Am I scared?
Sure. I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown and the obvious and yes, I’m scared of what might happen. Lastly, I’m scared of the great abyss or the depth of personal despair which comes with ideas and thoughts of shame, turned inwards and then festering like a sore that won’t go away –
Again, these are all concepts of the mind.
I know this and so do you.
However, I also know that this only lives and breathes so long as we keep this alive.
Right?

This is all in my head, which is okay when I say this out loud.
Even more, it’s getting better when I report this to you because as I leave this here and as I allow my fingers to punch the keys, somewhat quickly, and typing as fast and aggressively as possible; I submit these doubts to a great transfer of energy which is helpful to me. My fingers poke the keys and the sound of typing is what I’ll compare to the chattering of a machine gun at war and me, this is my way to fight back against the internal aggression that could otherwise kill me, unless transferred..

Sure I’m scared.
And here’s why –
There are times after huge fallouts and arguments and times after the downfalls which (as your humble and vulnerable narrator) is where I find myself now; in the great aftermath and the consequences of my actions; and it is here when I begin to contemplate our next interaction and my next move and the changes that will come our way.
But I have to be careful – especially when the stagnant time approaches me.
It is here when the mind starts to play tricks and our assumptions trip the wire like a trap, and just like a pull-cord to an engine, we rip the cord back and start the motors of our anxiety machine.
Next, the sky is falling.
The earth is crumbling.
We went from peaceful measures and hopes to the impending assumption of an all out war. In our heads, our assumptions lead us to believe the onslaught will be more destructive or catastrophic than a nuclear fallout from a war to end all wars.

None of this helps us, by the way.
But being honest is being honest.
This means that yes, I am honest when I say that I have no idea what’s about to happen.
And yes, not everything that will happen is going to be pleasant; however, either way – here I am, once more.
I find myself on the verge of a new existence and to purge my impure thoughts or my internal resistance, I am removing myself from my past and surrendering to the ideas which are, in fact, unchangeable and unalterable.
Therefore; it is by understanding my part in my own insanity that I report these findings.
I am out of control the most when I try to control the uncontrollable.
I am out of control whenever I look to solve the items that I have no control over to begin with –

So instead, I surrender.
I submit to them, which is not a submission or a loss by any means. Instead, this is an agreement.
This is a new line in the sand. This is my new start and new beginning which means that with great strength comes great work.
I understand that with recovery comes the means to recover and the acts which take place on this behalf.
I understand that as it says in James, “Faith without works is dead.” In fact, I am not dead and therefore, no one can kill me or take me away from myself.
Therefore, I need to stop volunteering myself to the kamikaze notions of self-destructive thinking.
No one can hurt me more than I allow them to and with an honest degree of logic and understanding, I am aware that yes, I’m at where I’m at.
And no, not everyone is my friend.
Not everyone is my enemy. But even so, even my enemies can only hurt me so much.
However, there are and will always be stipulations to this so-called contract which we all sign on the dotted-line because whether we agree to the terms or not, life is going to happen and everything is going to unfold in one way or another. So, act accordingly and be prepared.
Don’t be emotional. Be ready to live.

I know this.
So do you.

Perhaps now is a good time to mention the difficulties or when they occur. To be clear, I am not a person who sleeps well. I understand insomnia quite well. In fact, insomnia and I are old friends. We used to play solitaire together which, to some people, might sound like a contradiction of terms. But no, it’s not a contradiction at all. 

I am facing the unknown, which is not so bad, as long as I keep busy.
It’s the nighttime that can be a bitch. It’s the alone time or the stagnant moments when my earth can no longer provide me with a working distraction.
And then yes, the mind looks to fathom the consequences or builds on the inaccurate math of my wildest assumption.

I don’t wish this on anyone. Then again, I can say there are people who I have imposed upon or yes, it is safe to say that my actions have impacted the world around me and no – no one around me asked for this either. However, in the grand scheme of things, we all have an intermingling part in this life.
There are reasons beyond our understanding and instances and accidents and moments of doubt.
There are challenges in the mind or discomforts that fizzle like tiny particles of unwanted debris which is enough to cloud our vision which disables our ability to see our way clear to other pathways of life. And yes, there are items which cause people to separate and divorce and that’s fine. Unfortunate perhaps, but fine nonetheless.

By the way, this is more natural than we think.
However, there is a path and there is hope and recovery.
There are the possibilities of settlement and yes, there is healing and the open concept of bettering ourselves, one second, one minute, one hour and one day at a time.
This can happen and hopefully, for all parties, all people have their right to find peace and happiness – because if everyone was happy, none of our unhappiness would have collided in such a way.
Intellectually, we understand this. I suppose everybody does.
Emotionally, however, not so much,

But nights –
Ah, this is when the thought machine takes off.
This is where the unfair ideas occur to which, one thought becomes two, and two becomes four and the duplication becomes multiplied and next, the thoughts become too real, which means our mind assumes the worst; which means the catastrophes are about to come true, impeding and naturally; since we believe the worst then we expect the worst.
So then yes, the worst is about to come.

I don’t want the worst. I don’t like the stipulations; however, whether the ink on the contract is dry or unwritten, I know that my mind plays tricks on me.
I know the contracts we sign will always have a fine print . . .
But hey – not everything leads to damage.

I know that I have to create a relief valve for myself; otherwise, the pressure can become incredible. To be clear, it doesn’t take much to drive me crazy.
It’s not much to ask for but I am here and asking for a break. Yes, I am asking for the Universe to hear me now –
I am humble and I am working.
I have the unknown on my shoulders and the weight of my assumptions does not make this easier.
So – with that being said, I also have this:
I have this transfer of energy. I have the ability to stand in spite of my weariness.
I have the understanding that even my enemies cannot kill me forever.
However, this is a task that can take place in the mind – if we allow it.
Rest assured, dying forever means that I can die for a long time without understanding the value of what it means to live. 

And love –
That’s living
I have been talking to you about this now for quite some time.
Love is bigger than anything to me.
However, love is also frightening. Love comes with different fears and worries and although mine is true, I have worries of love’s unconditional boundaries.
I have worries that my love will come back or be unreturned like an unwanted love letter with a “return to sender” envelope, lost in the mail for eternity.
I say this to which I understand how the past occurrences or obstacles can either challenge or degrade love’s truthfulness.
I see love as a living, breathing thing. Like anything that lives and breathes, love needs the same care. Love needs a place to lay and sleep and find comfort.
Love needs air to breathe and food to eat. We have to feed our love.
We have to care for this. We have to provide shelter for the heart and warmth for the soul.

We have to perform a daily allegiance to ourselves, each day, because love is internal.
Love is equally mutual, external, and in need of balance.
Love seeks. Love finds. Love grows. Love searches and lives and breathes.
Love is a child, just looking to play.
Love is an elderly couple who learned to endure the traps of life and nothing in the world could ever break them apart.
Love is a tiny sailboat on a pond where an old man moves his little model sailboat by remote control and meanwhile his love is sitting on a park bench, right behind him, taking in the early morning view of silvery mist coming from the surface of the pond beneath an upcoming, summertime sky.

Love is exceptional. Love is resilient; however, love can hurt and love can receive damage and breakages and although there are no guarantees, our love is the biggest and most daring, bravest and most rewarding substance in the world.
This is true to me.
There’s not a drug in the universe that can create a high like this. 

And us – To whom I address this to –

I know that my slips and falls and moments of breakage have shattered some of my edges.
I know all about my imperfections and the jagged edges that have cut people so deeply.
I know that while nighttime comes and when my thoughts betray me, I know that you are there for me – just waiting – and that, in fact, my life can begin again, over and over, each day and yes, I can and will rebuild myself. Yes, I can and will heal and so will everybody else.
And yes, I can and will be better than I was yesterday.
I can improve.
I can learn more and be more. I can create opportunities.
I can establish new wealth. I can advance myself and be one step better, both consecutively and ongoing until the last or final day of my life.

I know that now is not the time to consider the world ahead of me. I say this because while I do have to contend with the upcoming math of a new life; still, I cannot overwhelm or overload myself so much that I fail to think clearly – or worse, I cannot overwhelm or overthink myself into an anxious response. I cannot afford to lose my dignity – even if my actions were less than dignified, I can’t let myself slip into the emotional quicksand or drown in my own sadness –

No

I have to move. I have to replace thought with action. I have to allow for patience and strategy to take hold.
Otherwise, my surrender to the past will lead me to a surrender of my future – and that’s what I want for myself – a future.
I want this for me.
I want this for you and for us.
As for my love – I want this to be a place for comfort.
I want this because my love knows what she wants. So, if I am to give this to my love, then I have to start now by transferring my energy – and making myself better, one letter at a time.

Hence, the journal.
Hence, my position here at a place I’ll call our own – small as ever, but yes, there’s benefit to a smaller place. There’s a benefit to a smaller bed which allows for skin to touch skin, leg to embrace leg and love to unfold in a swarm of pillows, sheets, and blankets –

I never had silk sheets before – have you?

Well, I have them now . . .

for when you’re ready.