Notes from the Neighborhood – Taking a Drive

I took a long drive yesterday . . .
I had to do something to be stronger than the voices in my head yet, the drive itself does not replace much of my thought with action. However, I do see this as either healing or cathartic.
The drive, I mean. 
The radio plays at a moderate level. Not too loud, but just loud enough.
Do you know what I mean?

Maybe it is the ability to hit the road and be free for a moment – or maybe the idea is to let my mind switch off; yet, the mind is always thinking.
I move in somewhat of a cruise-control mindset. I am unaware but aware of everything; as in I know when to brake or change lanes.
My body takes over the wheel but my mind is somewhere else.
My mind is removed from this equation.
Maybe it’s the miles I’m putting on or maybe it’s the distance between myself and the unwanted portions of life which are growing distant in my rearview mirror.
Maybe that’s it . . .
It would be nice if things simply worked as we planned. It would be great if there was a button to push and, just like that, the turbulence stops and the rest of this trip is smooth and peaceful or otherwise painless.
But that’s not life.
Is it?

No – life does not come without turbulence. Life does not come without struggle. Life does not come without moments of indecision nor can we avoid the crossroads where a decision is necessary.

Meanwhile, you know there’s only one decision to make. We know what we want – it’s the little particulars and the items of distraction that cause us to balk or be afraid.

I suppose my point here is plain and simple.
I have come here to correct the mistakes of my old decisions.
I am here to make the corrections and alter the choices that I wished I could have changed.
I have come here to allow my real life to begin and, with this in mind, I have come here to be loyal to myself and to my heart. More than anything else in this world, I have come here to give this chance everything I have because, to me, this is life.
(My life)

Life is a series of paths and choices. I see it this way. Not all paths or choices are going to be fortunate ones.
I see life as a mixture of ups and downs.
Of course, there are going to be dark times. There will be hard times.
There will be bouts with demons that are too strong for us to consider and somehow – we are still here.
We’re still on this path for one reason or another.
And me?
I know what my reasons are.
Whether this is due to powers beyond our understanding or if it’s the angels we know who look to steer us; or if this is fate or if this is simply life trying to tell us which way to go; there are reasons for me being here. I know it.
And you know it too.

There are reasons for us being who we are to each other.
I know there are.
However, I do believe the mind needs proof.
I am a believer in the idea that the mind needs to find accountability.
We need comfort, not risk.
But sometimes, the risk is what triggers the adrenaline and like skydiving or pushing the limits; I know this is how my love makes me feel.
My love makes me feel like a kid again, steaming up windows in the backseat of a beat-up car, going at it in full-force and hoping to dear God that we don’t get caught or that no one comes up to interrupt us.
The mind needs to be sure.
We want comfort. We want to be sure.
But sometimes the biggest, most beautiful and most wonderful things do not come with safety rails or seatbelts. No – you’re flying high and wild and this is dangerous; I get it.
But this is living.
This is definitely planning to be a wild ride, which I agree – it’s scary to think about it.
If you want to.
But not when the ride is underway.
I’m not scared when this is happening.
No, this is when the glory happens.
But I get it –

We don’t want anything left up to chance.
Then again, life is a chance.
Life is not going to come with a money-back guarantee; however, I know what this trip is worth to me.
I know why I am about to take another road trip this morning. 
I need to.

The reality sets in and when it does, whether we remain and stay on this path or if we leave and go in different directions; I know where my heart is. I know what I want. I will never let my heart be so far from where it belongs.

Whether I trip and fall or allow myself to be open and vulnerable is of no consequence to me anymore.
Ego has never helped me before and neither have my fears or my insecurities.
It is hard and yes, it is humbling to be open or to expose one’s self in such a way.
It’s hard for me to expose the rawness of my truest appeal because now it can be touched or viewed and known at such a level that once I’ve revealed it, there can be no hiding from this again.

And love?
My love knows everything which is why I am so weak.

This is love. I know this.
I know that as much as I know about love; I still have so much to learn which is fine for me because in my heart, this doesn’t have to be a painful lesson.
No, I’m excited about this.
I’m eager.
I want to know the way to live with someone or to understand the fairness of a real compromise; to exhale so that she can breathe in when she needs to; or I want to know how to compliment one another simply by being present.
I believe that in spite of bumps in the road and all the chaos and turmoil, there is something easy and effortless about this idea because the value of this is worthy enough to make everything seem right.
I believe this.
I do believe that love is physical; however, it’s not just the physical embodiment of my love – no,  it’s more than this.
It’s the need for her. It’s the drive for her. It’s the awareness of simple, little things that in my best estimation, no one else might notice these things – but I do.

I suppose it is the connection that drives the engines inside of my head.
It’s the need that comes because my love inspires me.
It is the feeling that comes over me when love smiles or laughs and looks through her eyes.
I need this.
I need to find this and more, I don’t ever want to lose this.
Not now. Not ever.

I know that I am only half of this equation. I know that there is a piece which has been made for me and everything about the edges of my opposite side are made and intended to fit with me.
I believe this with all of my heart. 

At the moment, I am awaiting the first light of morning. I am allowing myself to transfer this energy and to put this out there with hope and with all of my heart; I am working to rid myself of the scenarios that are in my head.

The world is a big place . . .
There are so many things that I have never seen before.
I want to see these places. I really do.
There are so many things that we experience in life and we are meant to share them with someone special.
That’s what I want.
I want this.
I want to reroute myself and find my path towards a new and brighter destination. 

That’s what I’m doing this morning.
My trip to you is not anything more than this:
This is me – yearning.
I want this. I cannot avoid this and should everything fall apart and nothing come back together, then no one can tell me it was because I didn’t put myself out there.
No one can say that I didn’t try.
No one can tell me that I didn’t follow the stars which have taken me to where I am and even with all the ups and downs or with all the hard times or tough moments; still, I know there is a purpose for this. 

I know there is a lesson here. I know that without you, I would be missing or simply absent and that without you –  at best, I would only be existing instead of living.
And here it is –
My cards are on the table for all the world to see.
I want to live.
I want to experience life.
I want to dance with all of my heart – it’s not so easy for me to do this right now; however, my need for this is still true.
I want to let my guard down and let the afraid and wounded soldier retire so that perhaps maybe this way, he can live in peace and we can do our thing.

Lastly, I have deep wounds and scars which are not seeable to the eye nor are they detachable by modern science. No one can see these things. But me,
I know this is there. 

I know why and where this hurts. I’d like to show you, but I’m afraid sometimes –
I suppose today’s trip is an act of courage.
So is tomorrow’s and the next days that follow them.

Today’s trip is a bold move which is not only a move for my sake or for my love’s sake.
I am about to embark on a new day. I am here to face the chaos and to fight back against fears or the doubts that say, Sorry kid. Nice try.
I’m stepping up to the plate.
I am here to make this move and to be this vulnerable and to be better and one step closer to my hopes and dreams.
I am moving now in acts of redemption and acts of courage.
Perhaps this might be meaningless outside of my own heart; but as for my heart, for now, this is the only thing I can do –

Changes come with time for perspective and correction. I know that with regret comes a moment of awareness. And yes, I’m aware now.
So are you, I suppose.

I am here to fight back . . .
I am here to beat the discomfort or the sad moments. I am here to defy the lonesomeness. For this reason alone, I am about to take a nice, long drive.

I don’t want to manipulate anything.
I don’t want to trick anyone.
None of that makes sense for a better or more lasting, long-term, or life-long goal.
I don’t want to use any tricks.
No.
There’s no time for that.
Besides, time is finite.
But me; my love for you is infinite.

I suppose I can only say this as it was said to me. . .
“I want to be free in your cage.”

I want to be better in this because I know that my love is enough for me. I suppose what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be enough for my love – para simepre