The idea behind this trip is so that I can somehow make my way through this next chapter. I want to heal as best as I can.
But this change is a hard one.
The upcoming moments are unclear and I am trying to process a brand new life. Again, all of this is unplanned and the uncharted territory is enough to make any man crazy.
And am I crazy?
Sure . . .
You bet I am.
I suppose the hardest things are the things we can’t forget. When we change or when we find ourselves on the other side of a downfall or a split, we are flooded with constant reminders of everything that brings us back to a different place and time.
Everything we see or hear leads us to a thought or a memory. I think this is good and sad and hard and beautiful.
Each thought can lead us back to a memory or a recollection which, again, is good and hard, sad and beautiful.
We tie moves into memories and songs into recollections.
Everything around us at the time is like a sign to remind us of what took place.
Or there’s an unexpected sign or a symbol of what we lost – or why we lost it, or what we wished we could do now to make things better.
It’s been hard to write lately because as I report to you, the last thing I want to do is to be or sound repetitive.
Also, the last thing I want to do is be such a bleeding heart.
I don’t want to keep rehashing or reliving moments or worse, the last thig I want to do is rethink things I said and wished I did.
The last thing that I should do is rethink how I should have responded or wished I said things differently.
None of this is helpful for anyone.
But these notes of mine are somewhat of a process which I hope helps me make sense of this.
Like I have said before – the mind is always trying to find accountability.
So this is my method to alleviate my thoughts and a way to decipher the things that either made no sense at all – or if anything else, this allows me to realize that so much of our life is beyond our control.
We can’t force anything in life. I can’t make anyone love me.
I can’t make myself be “enough” to someone else if I am not enough in my own eyes.
We can’t make things work from a one-sided or a lopsided angle because as the saying goes: It takes two – and when the two cannot or do not meet either evenly or equally, it’s hard to salvage anything or make sense of the heart. And me? My heart makes no sense at all when it is broken or sick or when I am not balanced or at my best.
It doesn’t make sense to find blame anymore – You’re right or I’m wrong.
This doesn’t matter, especially when there are wrongs on all sides.
And that’s it. Neither person can defend things they say when they say things to either hurt someone else or have an unfair impact – just to fuck with them.
The last thing anyone wants to do is argue or fight for the rest of their life.
I know I don’t want that . . .
I want other things.
The last thing anyone wants to be is sad or unfulfilled or stuck in some kind of loveless existence; as in no growth, no passion, no connection and no warmth beneath the sheets or intimacy beneath the stars.
See? I want the stars, which is why I am where I am.
I want more. I want the dream . . . and who doesn’t want this?
I suppose, in all fairness, everyone knows what they want.
We know what we want out of life.
We know what love is and we know what love looks like – at least I know I do.
It’s the absence though. Understand?
It’s the absolute fear of loss or that degrading idea that somehow I am a fool. Being so foolish, I was robbed in plain sight and the concepts of shame brings on a falsified sense of absolute humiliation.
It’s the pain that comes to mind when love is either absent or fading or worse, it’s the panic which takes place when love and hope is beaten or taken away.
And sure – I defy anyone to take this calmly.
Could you?
There is more than one side to stories and yes, we all have our side.
There’s always the other side and there’s always the split in opinion over who is right or who is wrong.
And me, I know where I was wrong.
I know what I did.
In some ways, I made things worse for myself by playing the different scenarios in my head – and that’s the biggest theft of them all because whether my thoughts were accurate or not; or, if my insecure ideas took on a shape that was either wrong or inaccurate; my thoughts took hold of my sanity and my heart sunk deeply.
I was once asked if any of this was real. I say all of this is real.
I say that life is real – and whether someone is pretending or not, love is real too.
Mine sure is.
There are things that I have never done and places I have never seen –
I suppose these places are something personal to me.
Take the idea of Maine for example.
I’ve never been there.
The romance behind the idea of this place is enough to make me wish I was there right now.
This is also enough to make me envious or jealous of anyone else who gets to enjoy such a trip. Or if I am honest, the thoughts that I have about this are enough to make me react.
I can say this about a lot of places that I want to see.
I want to go to Maine . . .
I want to go to Vegas, which is funny to me because almost everyone I know has been to Vegas – except for me.
I want to see the Seven Mile Bridge . . . and to go to any of these places would be a big deal for me.
I wonder if anyone else would value or appreciate these things as much.
These are bucket list items.
So is a trip to New Mexico.
So is a trip to Baja California Sur – Espiritu Santo Island
I have never been to Europe – and not to mention, I lost my passport in the recent move so, I suppose I’d have to start that process all over again.
At the same time, these trips are not so real to me anymore.
They have lost value (for now).
They are only parts of a vivid memory of what I wanted my love to look like. Also, I remember thinking about what it would be like to skip town and leave the past world behind me.
I remember talking about the ideas of living in another country and become what is called an “expat” and being somewhere like Panama or living by the turquoise waters of Bocas Del Toro.
Of course, not that any of this was realistic – but the dream was real enough for me to have it.
I know that with changes come corrections.
I know that there are corrections I need to make within me now, as in right now, and right here too.
But for now, all I have is this moment of silence before the daybreak.
I have another moment to get through. I have another race to run, another hurdle to leap and another obstacle to overcome.
I am at this alone now, which I get and I understand.
However, as I write this – I suppose you or anyone can relate to the different levels of loss and how literally each and everywhere we turn, there’s a reminder on every corner.
There’s always a sign or a symbol.
This is the hardest part to work through –
This is not to say that I have quit or given up; however, this only acknowledges that too much of this is out of my hands.
I gave my word, faults and all.
I am not here to quit or give up –
That’s not acceptable to me.
For now though, these are some more of my notes from the neighborhood.
I have a job to do and work that needs my attention.
My workplace is short staffed enough as it is, which means as best as I can, I’ll have to try and be present today.
Either way –
I have an obstacle to face and a life to repair.
Alone or not – I’m just a man . . .
Simple and lost but looking and hopeful to find my way home
Wherever you are.
The Written Addiction 