Notes from the Neighborhood – This Might Not Be So Manly of Me, But . . .

I am not here to benefit anyone else, at least not at the moment. No, this is a selfish entry and one that I need to confess.
As I have mentioned to you before, I am in the middle of so many changes. Too many things happened at once and while I wish I could say that I’ve handled this in style, the truth is no. I’ve lost my head a few times.
Maybe even more than a few times. But then again, the reason why I developed this place in my head and the reason behind the journals is because I had to find some way to process the thoughts and the ideas that swirl around in my head.
Hence – this is why I say – so, this might not be manly.
But then again, maybe I don’t know what being manly is.

I don’t know what I’m afraid of, at least not really.
I wonder if this is what people talk about when being honest about a new stage in their life.
Most of all, I wonder if this is what people think after a break-up.
I understand the fears of the unknown. But what is that?
What is the unknown? Is it the worry of loneliness?
Is it the awkwardness of others who are somehow so strange and unfitting that the idea of anyone else is too intimidating to even attempt to try and reconnect with the so-called real world.
Is it the idea that perhaps nothing about me will ever fit that way again?
Maybe – I think that makes a lot of sense. The fit. The connection. The compliment of my rough or jagged edges that fit and coincide with another’s life without being forced or coerced.
I don’t want to force anything.
Also, I never want to revisit an old idea and settle for something less because somehow I lost the belief that my dream can come true.
I know my dream is out there because fate keeps telling me so.

I suppose more than anything, I believe in the beauty of sharing a moment. I believe in the wonder of connectedness.
I believe in the lifesaving and life-changing meaning that comes with things like walking down the street and holding someone’s hand.
I believe in this. Absolutely.
I also believe that only the right deliverer can deliver these things and that all else is only a substitution.
As a matter of fact, I think this is amazing – and a kiss?
Man, there’s nothing like a good kiss that seems to be meant specifically for me.
Soft lips. Gentle, passion.
Yeah – that’s the one.

And there I go again –
So much for the manliness.
I understand that there is an idea of what a man should do or say.
Or should I offer this as a so-called idea of what it means to be a man or to exude a true form of masculinity or so-called manliness?
Do I have this? Am I a man, more than just calling myself a man by default?
I’m not sure if I know the answer to this.
However, the one thing I know is that no matter how strong a person is and no matter how mighty someone can be – love has the ability to weaken the knees of anyone – especially me.

It would be inaccurate to say that if something ends or goes wrong or, more to the point, if two people experience a moment of heated anger, enough to alter their existence; no one can say that everything was bad or regrettable.
There is nothing that can take away certain moments that are shared.
I believe this –
There is nothing that can honestly degrade the truthfulness of a moment. While yes, I understand that things happen – I understand that not everything worked as I hoped and life did not turn out as I expected it to – but still, nothing can take away the moments that I will cherish and value with all of my heart.
Nothing can stop or reverse my decision that the best memories of my life are shared and still equally as beautiful and as valuable. To be clear, I’ll say this even if I am alone or not the same or someplace else – nothing can change the fact that yes, I do know what love is.
I know exactly what love looks like. I know what love smells like.
I know what love feels like. I know the sound of my love’s laughter and the look of love’s smile.
Nothing can stop this. Nothing can change what is true.
Not even heartache or resentment or frustration or anger.
Nothing can change what is true.
I know this. 

I cannot and will not allow my dreams to be abandoned or forgotten.
I understand that life can and will change at any given moment, which means that I have to be prepared.
However, in the interim, all we can do is our best to process and adapt. If we are lucky enough to see a chance or an opening – then with all that we have and all we can muster, we have to reach for this.
We have to take advantage.
We have to grab for this as if it were the only glass in the world and drink from it, as if we were so thirsty – or dying even.
We have to do this in such a way that without this to quench us, we would perish like a dying leaf, shriveled and gone to the ground. 

Maybe this is what the fears are all about –
Maybe it’s the fear that nothing as special as the moments we shared will ever take place again.
Or maybe it’s the worry that nothing will ever be shared again and that I will never see love’s smile or excitement over something as simple as a random song that reminds us of everything. 

I know what love is –
Love is a series of childish things. It’s the ability to laugh. It’s the feeling of an open field and the romance of a hill that I used to know about when I was a young boy.

I know what it means to be hopeless or to consider the doubts or to think about love or love’s loss or the absence thereof.
I’d love to say that hey, I’m tough.
I can get through this. It’s okay,
I’m fine.
But I gave up lying about being tough a long, long time ago

Love is the most beautiful and bravest thing in our lives.
I don’t ever want to be so afraid that I forget how beautiful my love is.
If love is to find its way, I don’t ever want to allow my fears to resurface and push me to a point where I lose sight of my love again. 

I swear  . . . 

Nothing is better than a moment that could seem so small and yet, this tiny moment leads us to a memory that lasts us a lifetime.
As for my life, I don’t know where my path is going to take me.
I don’t know what fate has in store for me.
I really don’t – but for now, I’ll close here.
I think this is enough for now.

Let’s see what today brings and tomorrow holds.

That’s all I can do.
I suppose the same goes for everyone
(Including you).