Notes from the Neighborhood – Being Better

If I am to grow or if I am to better myself from this point forward, regardless of what’s to come or in spite of what is, and no matter what takes place from here on in – if I am to be better, then I have to be better.
It’s that simple, right?

I know that yesterday is gone. I say this often. Neither of us can live there anymore.
But yet, we often do. We often look back and consider what happened and what took place.
I do this far too often. But if I am to be better, then I have to be better. If I am to be better then I have to start to better myself from within on a daily basis.

It was before sunrise today –
A light rain took place. I was in my car heading to the so-called City that never sleeps. I was tired, of course. Sleep and I have not been getting along so well lately.
I am in a very new place and navigating my way through a new version of life. I am not sure what is to come. I am unsure of so many things. However, if I am to be better, then I have to be better.

I have to begin within which means I have to give my mind something to work on.
I need to find a new purpose. I need to give my mind something to consume or to create a sense of worth or value.
And, if it’s true that when one door closes, another opens, then I have to start looking for opportunities instead of focusing on my impossibilities.

Rather than focus on the life beyond my control, I have to take control over the changes that can be made by me – and, as of recent, my purpose and goals have been altered or changed.
Some doors have closed. Rather than knock on the same doors or bang my head against the same wall, I have to find new doors. I have to create new opportunities.
I have to get back to basics.
Otherwise, I can lose myself again and fall into the abyss of life without direction.
(You know?)

Life has changed; however, my direction and my dreams are the same. I know what I want to do with my life. I know that while my support and resources are no longer there for me, still, I have to find a way to navigate towards my dreams –

I shared a note to my Mother with you the other day . . .
I have to say this now. My Mom was one of the best.
I miss her.
In fact, I miss her dearly; but more, there was something brilliant and amazing about my Mother.

I remember when my parents used to talk about their retired life in Florida. Mom would reference this on occasion.
She told me about this being their plan. However, Mom’s plan changed when The Old Man passed away in 1989.

I suppose what I admire most about my Mother was her ability to move out-of-state and leave New York.
As promised, Mom decided to live her goals which she and The Old Man planned to do together.
As planned, Mom moved down to Florida –

In spite of Mom’s fears or her feelings of loneliness or even when Mom was lost or when she believed she had no purpose anymore and that she was somehow aimless; Mom went to South Florida to where she and The Old Man planned to live for the rest of their days. 

I have been bleeding, so-to-speak.
What I mean is, I have been openly pouring myself out to you about my life and what love is to me.
However, here and now, and in the absence of my love – admittedly, I am lovesick and starved for her. I am starved for affection and attention yet, I know that this is a brand that cannot be duplicated.
In a sense, I am homesick too because home is love to me –  and home is this thing that I am searching for – 

I want to find my home. I want to find my place called forever. I want to see this come to fruition. But more, I want this with all of my heart.

But . . .
If I want this and if I want this to be better than what I’ve seen, then I have to begin by bettering myself.
Otherwise, if I am not healthy or able to act or react logically or rationally, then my irrational concepts will deceive me. Thus, my thoughts can steal my best interests away from me. 

I once told you – or perhaps if I hadn’t told you, my version of love comes from a song by Van Morrison’s Sweet Thing.

“And I shall drive my chariot down your streets and cry, Hey, it’s me, I’m dynamite, and I don’t know why . . .“
In my best estimation, this is what I want . . .
I want to be dynomite.
I want to explode and live and feel and be happy.
I want to ride my chariot around the world.
I want to see new places and do new things.

I want to live now and for my future, if I am to be better, I’ll have to be better and remove myself from my past.

I love this idea. 

Do you?

(Minus this, all of my heart was poured out in 909 words – is that a sign?)