It is quiet now. Then again, the yellow haze of Sunday mornings have always come with a special hue to me, or color, as in the sunrise, the daybreak, or the horizon, which as it stands now, is perfect to me and beautiful. (Just like you)
The apartment is otherwise empty.
Once more, I explore deeper into the things that we’re not supposed to say. This has nothing to do with right or wrong or anything like that.
No, that’s not my point.
Once more, I am about to explore the ideas and the thoughts, which we all have yet we never dare to say them in fear of vulnerability or because of the worries we have of rejection.
Not today though. No, I have to say this.
I have to put this out there.
I have to expose my heart and put this out there to you because otherwise, how can I possibly expect anything to return to me if I don’t choose to give it away first?
I know there is a meaning for everything. Isn’t this what people say? There’s a reason why everything happens? Or does everything happen for a reason? I’m not sure which order this should fall under nor do I know if we can see the forest from the trees or a light at the end of the tunnel.
I don’t know if this will reach beyond the boundaries of my fantasy but dammit and caution to the wind, I have to try because otherwise, I could lose everything or worse, I could see everything and feel nothing because in fairness, I would have nothing without this.
This is love . . .
I know there is a timeline in my life, which has led me up to where I am now.
Of course there is and I say this all the time. But where I am is here, with you, and once more around the sun and for one more day, I have another chance to sit with you and talk, right here, and let the world go like a river looking to make the sea.
I am not so strong that I can live without you. I am not so strong that I can say that I want to live without you. To me, I see that my love is more than just the quantity of heartbeats. And more, you are the quality of my heart. You are my heart’s intent to live this way, from now until whenever, or for life or longer, or until the City shuts off the lights and says, “You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
Fully and wholeheartedly, I have to say this here and now:
I know there is a difference between lust and love.
I know that my lust for love is ongoing. This is unstoppable to say the least. Then again, I also know that my love for lust is equally unstoppable.
Or to use a better word, my lust for love for lust is unquenchable.
I am this; as if to say, my need for you is on fire, and nothing could ever douse this or extinguish the love or the lust in my heart.
I need you. I want you.
I can’t stop thinking about the way you look or feel or the way my hands sway along the side of your body. I can imagine the way my fingertips trace your legs as I run my hands up and down your hips.
And yes, I am absolutely lovesick.
I am starved for you. I am hungry for you and beyond this, I am a carnivore, on the prowl hungry as ever, starving, and ravenous for the only thing that can satisfy my need.
I want this. I want to claim it.
And take it . . .
I am alone, however, but in my thoughts, I am exploring the different ideas of how to touch you or kiss you, or dare I risk it all, then let me risk everything here and say this plainly – I want to taste you.
I want to feel you.
I want to explore you into the otherwise rapture; whereas, your eyes roll back and close to express the pleasures of ecstasy.
Your body relieves itself of all the tension and there, in this very moment, you find yourself beneath me and filled by me, deep within you, and with everything that I have.
This would be with all of my heart, with of my lust, and with my soul and all three in connection; I want you to feel my love. At the same time, I want you to feel how much I lust for you. I want you to know my lust for your life to be connected to my life from now until the lights go down.
Again, this is vulnerability at its finest.
This is me, admitting to my weakness and admitting to you and to the world and all the way up the food chain, and up to the highest and mightiest, and to the universe; therefore, I declare this openly and without hesitation –
My thoughts of you are ongoing.
My need for you is unending.
All of which are true.
It is also true that I can see you in the dark. Even if I were blind, I could see you perfectly. I could see the sway of your hips and define the angles of your curves.
I can see you in my dreams and in my desires. I can define the softness of your lips as petals, so soft and sweet and succulent, which is you because of all things, you are more than fruit from the vine or sunlight from the sun. You are everything.
This is my testimony.
I can see you clearly now, in my thoughts, and at the verge of a new day’s sun, I imagine that you are waking up beside me, next to me, and touching me.
I can feel your legs entwined with mine and we are entangled in such a way that my heart could not beat stronger, even if I were to own the rest of the world.
This would be heaven to me. But more, to live like this or to know about this with someone and then to find myself in the absence of this heaven would be nothing short of hell on Earth.
I say this because how do you touch the body and the face of an angel and then go back to living with nothing at all in an everyday life?
They say she can make a room jump, just by walking through the door.
I say this is true. She can change the world, just with a smile.
She has a way that makes me think yet, I say she has a way to make me forget.
She can make me feel as if yesterday was never here and tomorrow; good God, should tomorrow come, then please let tomorrow come with her by my side, – naked, swirled in my sheets and her face in my chest.
Let this be my life. Let me forget.
But let me remember as well.
Let me let go of every goddamned thing that ever happened before now.
Let me surrender to this.
Let me give in to the fact that my heart has more than the ability to thirst for her touch.
Let my heart sing. Let me be happy.
Let her be mine and me be hers and more than anything, let the first morning of our life together wipe away every day that took place beforehand.
So this way, there will be no distractions.
There will be no more fears.
There will be no more insecurities on my part or hers because at this point and in combination with the culmination of our love and love’s touch, then let me touch her in a way that rids the mind of all pain or suffering. Let her touch me to the point where I can find sunlight, even in the depths of my fear’s darkest dungeon. Let it be this way.
Please . . .
Sure, I want love.
I want lust.
I want a morning where the sunrise creeps through the window and wakes me up to the understanding that here we are, together and unclothed, undressed and aware of each other.
Perfectly.
Let me make love to her.
Let me kiss her. Let me taste her and feel every inch, or every piece of her body.
But more, let me worship her.
Let me put my face to the side of her neck. Let me kiss the side of her face and when I approach her ear, let her quiver when I kiss her. Let her body shake and let the floodgates open to where my body’s extension can push deep into her sea.
Let me look at her.
And let me watch her reactions.
Let me see her eyes.
Let me feel her body.
Let me build this up to the point where I move into her, steadily, and let me continue until my soul’s eruption showers into the depths of hers.
God, I need you.
I want to touch you right now.
I need to feel you yet in your absence, I know what you look like and I know what you feel like, which means that from now until the moment of actual rapture, I will dream of you.
I will see you here in the cinema of my heart – all I have to do is close my eyes.
I will think of you and yes, with all of my heart, I will lust for you without apology and without hesitation.
Just give me the chance.
I will give you my all – and then some.
Just open up to me. Just once.
I swear that I will hold you until eternity ticks the last second.
I promise to be good.
I promise to be all that I can be and even more, I promise to be better or at least one step better than I was the day before.
And so you know . . .
I don’t believe a connection like this can be faked or forced, least of all, nothing like this could ever be coerced or rehearsed to the point where sincerity is mocked or contrived.
Nothing about this could ever be a trick to get someone to turn my way.
There’s too much behind this and to much running below, like a river beneath the Earth.
Nothing about this is false.
There is no way that a love like this could ever happen by accident. And what I mean is since no one can replicate or duplicate this love, then I have to say that my love cannot be anything else but real –
(For you.)
I don’t know what troubles will be on the way.
I don’t know what uphill climbs will happen. I don’t know what tragedies are in store nor can I assume the upcoming catastrophes with my crystal ball. Besides, the future is only what we make of this moment, right now.
Remember?
All I know is what I truly know, which is what I really know – which is this: it’s impossible that fate brings us to where we are without meaning it.
It is impossible to feel this strongly or to feel so deeply and yes, it is absolutely impossible to love and lust for someone so firmly and want someone so vigorously and honestly without fate having something to do with it.
And meaning . . .
I’ve been meaning to say this. So let me say this now.
Your meaning to me is more than anything that I can say.
You are more than any of these words on this page.
You are more than the outpouring of this message and more than a dream, wet or wild or sexual by nature.
You are more than a vision. You are a touch and a feel.
You are more than an orgasm, so wild and so crazy.
You are the climax, the frenzy, the peak and the reason why alone in the sunrise, I wish you were here, next to me, awakened by my touch.
I tell you –
There is nothing in the world quite like waking up to the most beautiful girl in the world.
Next to me, naked, swirled in my sheets and face in my chest.
And to this I say: Para Siempre
As in forever . . .
The Written Addiction 