Notes from the Neighborhood – Revelation #909 and Then Some

I believe that we all have enemies.
No really, I think this is true.
If we sit here and wait, just for a second, I can promise that mine will show up at any given moment. In fact, here he comes now.
See him?
He’s right there in the mirror, looking back at me.

I have spent much of my life with envy or living in the mindset of looking at others, wishing that I could be more like them; or that somehow, I am either missing something or something about me is missing.
I compare.
I point and I wonder.
I have doubts. I look inwardly and then outwardly, I wonder if love is real.
Or if it is real (and just elusive), then who would love me both fully and consistently?
And if this were anyone, would they want to stay with me after seeing through the layers which at the bottom would reveal the real me . . .
Who would love me both consistently and persistently on an ongoing and mutually growing basis?

I spent countless hours wishing that I said what I wanted to say and equally, I spent the same amount of time wishing that I never spoke or said anything at all, or that I could just “be cool” with what “is” or what “was,” – because “If I had just kept my big mouth shut, none of this would’ve happened, and I wouldn’t be alone”

Is this too raw?
Too honest?
Is this too real and too uncomfortable to hear (or say) because I have to say this: I’m sure that I’m not the only one who’s thought like this.
And now that I say this. Now what?
Who would want this in their life?
Who would hear this and appreciate my vulnerability and want me even more?
Who would take me as in from now until wherever?

I have never dared.
I say this and, of course, perhaps you might wonder what this means.
I can tell you that I spent much of my life either distant or resistant to truth. As for real love or love in the case of true love’s sake, I can say that I have allowed great times and great moments to escape my grip.
I can say that I allowed the best of people and the most beautiful of persons to slip away because of my fears. In which case, I lost.
I lost the best years of my life because of fear. I lost the best opportunities because I was too afraid to dare the edge and stand alone or to be by myself so that I could be the right person for that one special person who matters the most. I want this person because, to me, they are more than the Earth, the sun, the moon and the stars.

I can say that common sense is not so common when it comes to our emotional thinking. I can say that our strategies are not so logical when it comes to matters of the heart. And yes, when it comes to matters of the heart, I can see where I have exploded and left craters in the world.
I can see where my damages were due to an internal and insecure concept, to keep the façade or to keep the peace; yet, the detonation of my actions exploded on the one person who means everything.

Again, I ask . . .
Too raw?
Too real?
Too honest?
Perhaps, this is too uncomfortable to hear (or say) yet, here I am I’m saying this now and leaving it all here for the world to see.
I don’t care who knows this anymore.
These are details that have nearly ruined my life.

But so you know –
I love the idea of love. I love the concept. I love the feel of it.
I love the taste and style and the texture and idea of never having to worry about who is behind me because, above all, my love would be there to watch my back.
She is my ride or die.
I know this. With all my heart, all I want to do is be the same for her

I love the idea of a love so fully and so wholehearted that there is no worry, no fear, no cost of consent or cause for alarm to be pure or true,. Even in humble times or in our most vulnerable times, I love the idea of a love so strong that there is no comparison and there is no worry because what I love most about this kind of love is there are no comparisons. No one else could even come close.
I love this.

And please –
Please believe me. My biggest fear of love is the possible limitations or the eventuality or perhaps inevitable loss or failure of love to be returned; as if either something or someone else came along – and they were better off, or if somehow I lost my shine or my luster and the novelty of me (or having me) either tarnished or vanished and then I was simply muted or not enough.

I think this is my biggest fear above all, which is not necessarily a fear of being alone but instead, my fear is that I would be alone because something about me is either wrong or just defective. Because of this, I was rejected or cast away forever to be alone or unmatchable to the one most beautiful person in the world who, of course, would be her: My love.
I am afraid.
More than anything. I’m scared.

I am afraid that once my love sees through the curtains and through the flesh levels of my life, that she will eventually see the inner-workings of my true self; in which case, I’m afraid that after revealing myself or dancing slowly in the middle of a vacant nowhere, then what?
What if I ask for the dance, as if to be two people, pretending to slow-dance in the dark, as if to be at a prom, which is a place I never went to – I am afraid that once I touch this or have this, something might change and the love for me could evaporate – or simply, wash away.
Plus, what do we do when we feel something so amazing or pure and loving and then all of a sudden – it goes away?

Is this too much?
Is this too real?
I know that this is certainly not manly nor tough or strong.
But I swear it.
Besides, no one is tough when it comes to love or vulnerability.
I swear that love or in the absence of love when the fear suggests that one’s love is gone or going away, this is enough to make us speak in ways we wish we hadn’t.
Or, this is enough to make us wish we never dared to say anything at all?
Is this what makes me wish I never said how we felt because the resulting arguments led to a destructive outcome, which was the exact opposite of what I wanted.

But that’s enough for now.
These are words that I never dared to say before.
I think I’m doing okay.

I think I’m saying what I need to say and yes, I think this is tough but I also think this is necessary.
I look around and see what others have yet, I never look at what I have.
I never look at my talents or my skills, or my blessings because, of course, there is an enemy at my gates, which I know all too well.

And mainly, I call this me.
I call this my fear. I call this my five fingers of rejective thinking which are blame, shame, guilt, fault and regret. And when I close these fingers, they become the first which I beat myself up with, which I’m sure that you’ve heard me say this before (about the rejective thinking, I mean) and about beating myself up by reliving or reviewing the assumed problems or catastrophes in my head.

These are my weaknesses which I have never dared to reveal nor was I ever strong enough to openly say these things.
But again, I think I’m doing okay.
These are my fears. These are the things that have either kept me stagnant or worried that there’s something wrong with me and that because this is true to me, then no one could ever possibly love me – at least not consistently, as in persistently forever.

My doubts or my worries that I might not be enough are punishing to me.
See? I told you I have enemies.
We have at least one meal together each and every day. But for some reason, I’m always the one who has to pay the check, plus leave the tip.

My enemy plays tricks on me. And my beast?
Well, my beast knows how to switch his dialect so that I can mistake his lies for truths; or, in my estimation and for some God forsaken reason, this allows me to believe that I am, for lack of a better word, defective or worse, emotionally and personally unwantable.
I have a name for this.
I call this my inability to understand my worth or my resilience to heal and recover.
I call this my inability to see that I have ability to endure; but more, these are the ideas that make it impossible to overcome myself.
What has this done for me?
This has caused me to fear the edge and to never dare to step forward and claim my love or my life.

Who the fuck would want someone like this?

Who would want me now after revealing these truths?

Yes, these are my truths – even if intellectually, I understand that none of this is true at all. Emotionally, all of this is true. All of my fears and all of my rejective thinking and all of my worries that somehow, I struggle to believe that something so beautiful and so perfect, as in “my love” would want me back?
This is her –
This is her face and her smile and her eyes and her nose, her curves, her voice and literally, everything about her which is perfect; yet, these are my secrets that kept me in the dark or separated from her – my love.

But for now, I am exposing this to the light.
And like I said: I think I’m doing okay.
These are the exact truths that caused me to stay in the wrong places and never dare to change for the right reasons.

Oh, and here’s a word for you . . .
Overcome –
That’s a great word.
I want to overcome this because when my love chooses me or if my love chooses me, then I want to overcome this because if I don’t, then I will lose my love before my love walks away to lose me.
Understand?

But just to be clear –
No one overcomes this in one day. Some never overcome this at all.
Most people never dare to be this revealing.
For example, no one talks about the feeling that happens when we call all the time because in our head (and our hearts) we believe that if we didn’t call, no one would call us.
So we call to keep the charade going.
We call to keep ourselves valid or hope to trigger a spark.

I call because I don’t want to lose what I have (if I have anything at all, that is).
I call because I know what I’ve done and I know all about the collateral damages that my fears have left behind.

But again, some never dare to set the record straight.
Some live in fear that this will be exposed or used against them.
And some are more heroic because heroically, some decide to step forward and declare their love and their truths. They wear their hearts on their sleeve, willing to risk and dare it all for one specific thing: True love.
That’s what this is – It’s an honest declaration and a humbling explanation.
But more, this is my way of shaking the sins which have kept me still (or stuck).

Some decide to work or to move forward or to make their dreams come true.
Some people do this because above any other realization in the world, some people come to the understanding that nothing changes without the operation of change.
Fear does not stop, nor will fear relent simply because we want to rid ourselves of fear for fear’s sake.

These are my demons. These are the rings worn by my five fingers of rejection and these are my unseeable scars that have come with bar-room brawls and internal fights with myself.
I’ll tell you this much: They were either knockdown, drag-out, or worse, personally deadly, destructive and catastrophic.

I think I’m doing okay – telling you this, I mean.
Who the hell would want me now after admitting that I am no stronger than an emotional child?
Who would want me now that I admit that I’m not tough nor am I comfortable nor do I believe in my beauty, let alone, believing that anything about me is beautiful.

But love –
Or more specifically, my love is beautiful enough to me that I have to come forward now.
I have to because I am free to do this because I want to do this and should I speak so openly, and should this be too much and before the regret comes in and says, “Why did I say anything at all? I should’ve just kept my mouth shut!” I think I’ll leave this here.

I think I’ll expose this and declare this as true yet I understand that to overcome this, I have to overcome this from an active and ongoing standpoint.
I have to work at it . . .
I have to work at this on a daily basis.
I have to give my mind the substance it deserves to nurture my dreams and let my hopes guide me to the one truest love in the world (you).
You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen or known.

By the way, this is no excuse for my past.
This is no excuse for some of the things I said or did.
Instead, this is me being accountable for my actions, which again, no actions will change without engaging the operation of change.

And for you –
I’ll do this.
For you –
I’ll expose every detail because for you –
I just want to be pure so you can trust me.

Or better yet, I want to be pure so that there’s never a threat of your love being unreturned or stagnant, or more, I want this to be more than just love.
I want this to be more than love for the aspect of love’s physical shape or sex or touch.
I want to work on this and be pure so that our love, when finally connected, can be reciprocal and mutually, we can grow both consistently and persistently, every day –

As in from now until whenever –

Always