Notes from the Neighborhood – Inspired by You and a Song

I was listening to some music last night. As a result, I came across an old song from the Pink Floyd. I started out with the more popular songs. But then I recalled a song called Set the Controls For the Heart of the Sun and there’s another one too – Point Me at the Sky.
This leads me to where my heart is this morning.
Now, although the songs are not as deep as my intention to reach you here, I do believe that as part of my cosmic playlist, which I’ll need when I tour the galaxy, the depths of my intention to reach you are equally as important as the need to play the right music when taking a trip to see the universe.

But for now –

Let’s keep this to the point. Shall we?
They say everybody’s looking for something.
And sure, I’m looking for something too. I’m looking for an answer. I’m looking for the right combination and the right mixture that can lead me to being my best possible self.

I’m looking to find that hand to hold and that life to live.
I want to explore. I want to find that inner sense of peace and awaken to the resounding wherewithal of fearlessness because, of course; once I have you, I will never be alone nor will I ever think a lonely thought. Not once. Not for a minute, and certainly never again for the rest of my life.
Not with you by my side.

I am preparing myself for lift-off, so-to-speak. I am planning on leaving the stratosphere and entering into the orbit of a new existence.
I am looking to leave the atmosphere and be out of this world by the end of business today.
Well, no.
Actually, and in all fairness, I am looking to leave my previous self and finally as I leave the space I was in, I am welcoming myself into a new atmosphere.

As you might have seen by now, I have already begun to prepare myself.
I’ve started my checklist. I’ve mentioned my perfect soundtrack and yes, a trip like this would be nothing without the perfect snacks. If we think about it, what’s a trip without the right music and some good snacks for the ride?

I’m looking for excitement. While I understand there are responsibilities that tie me to this earth; and yes, there are chores and tasks at hand and no, I am not looking to escape my responsibilities or shorthand the world from what I owe. Still, I have an escape in mind that can honor both my needs and my responsibilities.
I’m not looking to walk out on the bill or to escape without tipping the servers.
(I hate when people do that)
No, I’ll be sure to pay my way.
However, perhaps I mean this in a more figurative perspective, I understand that I am in the later stages of the game. I am past the midway section of my life. Shortly, as in a few weeks from now, I will have reached the 51st marker – or better yet, I’ll be 51 years old n a few weeks. 

And so –
I’m looking for an answer to these riddles in my heart. I am looking for a solution and cure. Also, I am looking for the counterweight to balance my life; in which case, I am looking for you to share my life with. 

I want to share everything with you. I don’t want to leave anything unexplored or any stone unturned.
I want to open my eyes to the rest of my life. I don’t want to force this or rush in any inappropriate way. I don’t want to short change myself either or settle for the next or second or even the third and fourth best thing. 

Besides, I have settled before.
I have guesstimated my worth and estimated my value and deep down, I knew that I compromised myself so many times and in so many ways.
I knew that I settled because I was always afraid that my dreams would never come true. I was afraid that my dreams were so big and so valuable; yet, in my poor assumptions of my own worth and due to an inaccurate assessment of my personal value, I allowed myself to settle for something less because I never thought I could get what I wanted.
Therefore, I punted.
I traded my dreams. I surrendered my visions. I canceled my subscription to hopes and aspiration because at the time, I allowed myself to remain both personally, educationally, professionally and spiritually lazy.  I say this because as a reaction to my self-doubt, I failed to try (or launch) because I lacked the belief that I could achieve lift-off and be out of this world.

See?
I know that life takes work. I know that nothing happens if nothing happens. But more, I know all about the dreams which go deferred.
I know about the plans that go unplanned or with a heavy heart, I know all about the damages that come when we fail to launch or allow ourselves the right to dream and reach for the stars – and that’s what I’m looking for. This is what I want; the right to dream and run and dance and play like there is no tomorrow.

I am looking for something –
That is true.
I am looking for my forever – and ever.
I am looking to make my way into the great escape. I am looking to take to the sea and find my way south to the deep, beyond the canyons and be “out there” in the oceans of my heart which, to me, is where heaven lives.
I am looking for my partner to share the moonlight sonata with; as in Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata, which, as part of my personal playlist, is what I’m listening to right now, by the way . . .
I call it a little mood music.
But we can get back to The Pink Floyd in a second.

There is a memory of mine which I have from my early childhood and though it is faded with age, the memory is poignant, as in valuable, and endearing as well as touching, moving and more, I see this as something connecting, like a bridge that extends outwards from my heart and stretches far to build something between us.

Again, although I was small, I have a memory of a little place called Safety Town.
I was in grade school at the time. I was small and so young yet this is where I learned to hold hands when crossing the street.
This is where I learned to look both ways before crossing the street. But more, I think of this and how this relates to us. Yes, this is childlike but to me, this is equally wholesome and beautiful.

I think of how you and I are here at the crossroads and currently, you and I are at the busiest intersections of our life. I think about the saying, “Cross on the green and not in-between” and yes, there is something so amazing and childlike to this.
But at the same time, this is how I see us, young at heart and eager to cross the street.
However, sometimes the traffic lights can trick even the safest person. Sometimes we misjudge the oncoming world and sometimes accidents happen. I don’t want to get hit or hurt. I suppose this is the reason why they called that place Safety Town –
So, I think I’ll take a page out of their playbook.

You say you’re afraid?
I’m afraid too –
But maybe we can take the lessons I learned at Safety Town.
Maybe we can hold hands.
Maybe we can look left and then right, and then left again. Of course, we can hold hands when we cross the street.
This way, we can be safe because we’ve found our “buddy system.” I can at last be happy because I have found my co-navigator, co-pilot, companion, love and my best friend to cross the street with me.

I am looking for my companion for life and longer. I am looking for you to stand beside me, to act as my co-witness to watch the galaxy, or if anything at all – I am looking for you to be my forever companion and to be my muse so that you know that when I write about love, I am writing about you.
When I write about lust and the lust I have in my heart, you know that I am writing about my animalistic need and my insatiable appetite for you – and yes, this is about your entirely. However, as for your body, yes, I am hungry.
I am a carnivore. I am on the prowl, like a predator, and you – well, yes, you are the only one who can satisfy this hunger.
You are the only one who can soften the edges of my hardened soul. It’s you. It’s your touch. It’s your voice. It’s your body and the way your body swerves through my imagination. This is why I am on the hunt and this is why I have been searching for you my entire life.

I have been revealing myself to you, each day, a little more and though I have always been honest here and I have never written with the intent to deceive; I can say that my efforts to reveal myself in the last few entries have been more honest and daring than I have dared to reveal before. 

Tomorrow starts the weekend, and so –
to keep up with my new tradition, I have a plan to make an oxtail stew. I’m going to start my preparation for this tonight. I’ll have to get a few things at the supermarket. But I enjoy this part.
I have to say that my apartment smells amazing on the weekends. 
And of course, I’ll be sure to save you a plate.

Oh, and by the way . . .
I don’t know where you are right now, at least not really. I only know that if you were here, you would be next to me. At this time, I’d probably wake you with a special morning kiss. . . and then some.

It’s 3:30 am, so for now, it’s writing time.
It’s time to get my day started –

It’s time for me to prepare for take off because I want to leave the stratosphere by the end of business today. I want to take off and tip my hat to the universe for allowing me the chance to meet you, as soon as humanly possible.
Like I said, I want to hold hands when crossing the street. I want to look both ways. I want to explore and more than anything, I want to be safe about this because I don’t want to get creamed by the unexpected or miss another moment without you because at last, I realized that settling never leads us to reach our desires.
This only allows our dreams to be deferred.
And I say fuck that . . .
I’ve deferred too many things in my life already.
It’s time to “Set the controls for the heart of the sun.” Or since I used this line from The Pink Floyd, then I’ll use another line from The Floyd as well and say, “Point me at the sky and let it fly . . .”

I’m ready now. 

I’ve packed a few snacks and I plan to have a great playlist. But I’m open to your suggestions too. I want to be sure you have your snacks as well, and as for the music, I want to make it so that wherever we go – we can always dance at any given moment.  Pack a coat though, just in case it gets cold. Otherwise, you can have mine if you need – and I can keep you warm.

Deal?