They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry.
I can understand this. And no, I’m not hungry right now, at least not for food.
But the comparison that I am about to make to the quote is something that reveals my hunger of a different sort.
Never tell your secrets. . .
Otherwise, it’s not a secret anymore.
Right?
But I can’t stop now.
Too much time has passed and the hour is running late. Time is moving because, of course, time always moves. The clock is ticking and as we mentioned before, I don’t want to miss another day.
So –
Here it is. I am awake (as usual) and it is way past the midnight hour.
My mind is in a thousand directions but my heart is only here.
Never tell your secrets, they say.
I used to believe this, at least to some degree.
Never let anyone know who you are or how you feel – because if they know, then they know which leaves me open. Or, vulnerable.
(At least that’s what I was told.)
I have to be clear about a few things. First, the hour is late and since my mind refused to let me sleep – I decided to do a few things because this is my only way to replace thoughts with actions.
I have music playing in the background. Soft, of course. Gentle, like spa music.
For example, this is the kind you’d listen to when laying on your stomach, face-down on a white massage table with a white sheet, draped across your naked body and your face is resting in a hole while someone massages your back.
That’s the kind of music I’m listening to right now . . .
Either way, I exhale to allow myself the moment because, although fleeting, the moment at hand is crucial to me.
Then again, everything is crucial to me now.
I have so much that I want to say and so much that I want to do. I have ideas. I have hopes and I have plans. Currently, I have my Saturday tradition which is a stew that I prepped and readied for the long, slow cook in my little slow-cooking machine.
I’ve hung a few pictures around my new place. I’m doing this, not because this will be a long-term situation; but more, I want this place as warm and as loving as I can.
(In case you stop by for a visit.)
I am learning my way around the neighborhood. At the same time, even though I am a stranger in a strange land, everywhere I go – I see something that leads me to the memory “of you.”
I have made this commitment to myself (and to you) that I refuse to give in. I refuse to quit. I refuse to lose hope and by all means, I refuse to let my heart be abandoned ever again. I refuse to allow myself to be either dishonest about who I am or where I want to be. More importantly, I refuse to cover myself in fear of exposure or worse – in fear of rejection.
I can say this:
Nothing about this new beginning is comfortable yet, at the same time, everything about this new beginning is worth it to me. Hence, there is a reason behind this entry. There is a reason why I began this entry by saying don’t go food shopping when you’re hungry and never tell anyone your secrets.
I grew up this way.
Never tell anyone what you think or how you really feel.
Never let anyone in.
Keep’em guessing.
Never allow anyone the upper position in your life or to feel so deeply for them that they have control over you.
Or, wait – come to think of it, I remember when I was a young man on the prowl.
I remember being told, “if you like her . . . then don’t tell her.”
I was told “you don’t want to seem desperate.”
I was told about the rules of romantic engagement and I question this now. I question all of this.
I don’t know where romance comes from. I don’t know if my perception of romance is clear or if what I perceive to be romantic is accurate to the truth.
Then again, perhaps this is all subjective. If this is subjective, then I can only assume that my ideas of romance are subjective to me.
Well, then?
Since this is on me, then I will allow this to be me.
I have never been cool. I’ve never been comfortable. Yet, here I am again. Going against the grain of what I was told – men don’t cry.
Be strong. Be tough.
I am a man; however, I am neither tough nor strong. As a man, if the lessons I was taught were true about never letting anyone “in” so-to-speak, or never show emotion, never cry or never tell anyone how you really feel, then I have to say this again.
To hell with these lessons.
They failed to teach me how to love. They failed to teach me the lessons of romance. But more, these are the lessons that failed me the most because this is what’s kept me at an arm’s distance from the one most valuable, beautiful and important thing to me – namely, you.
I have seen the boundaries of fear. I have seen the internal prisons, to which we have the right to open the door and be free; yet, at the same time, these are the mental prisons that we fail to escape from.
These are the ideas of fear which trigger the deception of our perception and next, these are the ideas that teach us to either live or react preemptively. This is where the catastrophes live in our mind. This is what keeps us waiting for the next impending doom.
I don’t want to live like that anymore.
I don’t want to deal with the bullshit male ego.
I want to be free.
I don’t want to hide or lie or live a life that is either forced or coerced and no, I don’t want to pretend anymore either.
Besides, there’s no reason to pretend.
I am waiting here, for you, with open arms. I have opened the door, so-to-speak. To bridge a sense of peace, I have decided to live with an open mind and an open heart.
I have decided that nothing can take me away from this plan of mine.
Nothing at all.
No matter what, I refuse to quit or give in. Yes, should the wait take forever, then so be it.
No one else can take your place. No one else is allowed to take your place. No, this throne belongs to you (my queen).
No one else can make me think, be, live or feel the way you do.
I don’t want anyone else because anyone else would only be less than you.
And guess what?
I don’t want anything less – not now, not ever, because there is no substitute.
If I have to wait then I have to wait.
In fact, I’d rather wait and get it right this time.
I’d rather wait for you because I would rather work than quit and settle for anything that’s second best.
And even the second best is miles beneath you, at least that’s what I say.
I’d rather keep my heart dedicated to you than trade myself (again) for someone who is less than what my dreams ask for.
I’d rather wait to touch you then attempt to find this with anyone else.
Understand?
I never want to lose this dream. I don’t want to lose what I have which is hope. I don’t want to skip a beat and never know what it feels like to look at your face or feel my lips press up against your cheek.
I tell you this with all of my heart and I also tell you that I was both taught and trained to never expose myself like this, but I am.
Like I said, time is short and perhaps it might be later than I think.
At one point, none of this would have been possible for me.
No . . .
I suppose I would only be able to love this way at half of my capacity.
But I don’t want half of anything anymore.
I don’t want half of my life. I want all of it.
Otherwise, how can I share myself openly?
How can I share my full value with you if I refuse to allow myself to be true to my total worth?
At one point, I would never dare to call up to the heavens and reach out to the universe or say things like, “Hey God, if you’re not too busy, do you think you can spare some time and send her my way?”
This is my heart.
You –
This is my love.
You –
These are my dreams.
Also you –
And this is my soul
Yours –
I have to try and rest for a while.
Besides, my eyes are tired enough that I might be able to fall asleep.
Hopefully . . .
Maybe this is too much.
Maybe exposing this is too weak and I’m supposed to be strong.
Or maybe exposing this is the strongest move I’ve ever made.
I don’t know . . .
All I know is that the hour is late and my heart is beating and somewhere out there, you are sleeping and hopefully dreaming
(of me . . .)
The Written Addiction 