Notes from the Neighborhood – Moving Towards My Dedication, I Plan To . . .

I have some unfinished business to take care of. And by now, I’m sure this is no surprise.
I have a life to live. I have hurdles to leap and obstacles to overcome.
Better yet, I have obstacles that need to be turned into opportunities. I get it. I’m not the safe one. I come with risks. I have uphill challenges and battles and quirks and flaws. I am not the common one nor am I typical of anyone in your life. But on the other side, I am the one who makes your heart beat so fast. I am the one who puts air in your lungs. I am the one who puts love in your heart.
And go ahead – tell me I’m wrong.
But you can’t. . .

Still though, I am me. I am the one who is loud and wild and maybe dangerous yet, I am timid and afraid to the point where I allowed intimidations to poison my dreams.
Sure, I’ve done this. I admit it.
l never really dared to love or to step out of my little box which we all seem to call our special little comfort zone. At best, this was never comfortable for me either.
How could it be? I knew where my loyalty was and it certainly wasn’t focused on me. No, this was intercepted by fears and doubts, insecurity, and my shame-based belief system that comes with low self-esteem.
I can see why I was trapped. I can see where I failed to launch or try and I can see the opportunities that I allowed to pass me.
I can count them by number because in my head, I noticed them all; however, there were limits to my abilities and this led me to believe that there were limits to my worthiness.
And yes, there were limits to all the above. Yes, there were timing issues. Yes, there were literally a thousand excuses and sometimes it was ten thousand. Sometimes, there were ten million but what is the difference between one excuse and the countless others?
The answer is nothing.

There was no difference between the excuses. None at all.
In fact, this all led down to the one common denominator which is and was me.

You have heard me say this before. I’ve said this over and over again; that I am (and you are) always the square root to our own equation. It all comes down to self.
No one else can take a risk. No one else can come to a realization for us. No one else can take the one and only risk that we need to take to live and dare on a daily basis. No one else can do this for me. And no one else can do this for you either.

I have some unfinished business to take care of which is this, which is the “Here” and “Now” part of my story. And that’s why I’m here (now) because I have decided that I’m not here for the food and friends anymore.
No, this is all grown folks’ business.
I have a life to live. I have risks that I need to take and edges that I need to dare.
Are they safe? Maybe . . . or.maybe not.
But dammit all, I can’t let another day slide, wondering about the quandaries, the “what ifs” or the “What could’ve been” chapters in my life. 

I know where my fears and doubts have led me. I know where I skipped the beats and where I missed the exits or the turn-offs and yes, I know all about the nature and the reasoning behind my mistakes. 
I was there for them all and each time, there was a tiny spirit in me (AKA: The Truth) that was screaming out as loud as could be shouting, “Don’t do it! You’re making a mistake.”

I know all about this. In fact, I know about these mistakes more than anyone else in the world because I have them listed in alphabetical order. To be honest . . . I thumb through them from time to time.
But I do this to no avail.
Nothing can change what took place. Nothing can retake the chances I missed or correct the old corrections which should have happened, long ago.

I am entering the last quarter of my so-called working career. I know that my time to earn and make a mark on this financial world is limited to a finite period of time which means I have to plan accordingly. This also means that I have to work efficiently. This means I have to categorize my plans and that in order for me to move forward, I have to utilize my time to my advantage.
There’s no time to waste anymore.
It’s go time.
This means that self-care is everything. This means my body has to become my temple which means better health to live a better life. Then again, one could argue that I am at the closing bell or that I am closing in towards the last section of my life. If this is so, then let me work efficiently and accordingly with this in mind – so I can live healthier and longer.

Who knows how true this is? Who knows if I’m right or wrong – and to be honest, who cares?
All I know is that the window of opportunity becomes smaller by the minute. 
My ticket has been punched enough times for me to know this trip comes with an expiration date. However, my aim is to aim higher.
I want to aim higher than ever before. 

My aim is to live longer, harder and stronger than ever before. But even more than this, my aim is to love harder, longer and stronger than ever before too.
I want to live more truly than I ever dared, which is why I’ve been writing these notes to you.

I have been exposing myself, one layer at a time. With each revelation, my aim is to bring myself closer to a specific and humble nature, as in modest and true. I want to be as undressed and uncovered as possible because If I am to rebuild myself then I first have to strip myself down to nothing.

I have to become bare to the world with no protection, no concealment, no pretense, no hidden agenda and with no mask to hide anything. Therefore, I am here to set the record straight. 

You . . .
You and I have some unfinished business to tend to. Aside from the fact that you own me and that willingly, I declare that you own my heart and my soul; as your soulmate, I openly surrender and submit to this without any resistance or hesitation.

I have never undressed myself in such a way. But I am now.
I am as uncovered as a newborn and equally as vulnerable.
And sure, one could say that this is too little, too late.
One could say that too much has happened and that I should quit or give up and prepare for my life in the different stages of consecutive loneliness.
But I say, no.
I refuse this motto because I know it’s still there – our love.
Therefore, I refuse the past. I refuse my mistakes and the times where I allowed my thinking to misguide me or derail me from my best efforts.
I accept my accountability.
I refuse to accept that I am the wrong person . . .
I refuse to accept that love is gone or lost.
I refuse the emblems and the labels or the definitions which either I or you have placed upon us; and with regards to the safety of our future – I say fuck it – we’ve never been safe before.
So, why start now?
I’m here to risk it.
I’m here to risk it all.
I say that happiness is worth it.
It has to be because by now, I have seen the other side of happiness.
I’ve seen more than my share. And you have too.

I’m here to rebuild myself and to redefine this machine in my chest which I call my heart. As I have stated before, you own me; hence, this is why I say that we have unfinished business to discuss.

If I am one-sided then I am one-sided. But just so you know –
I refuse to give up (or give in) and going forward, I refuse to allow my fears to keep me from enjoying another opportunity. And that’s just it.
I see it now.
Every day is another opportunity to live, love, laugh and learn.
(Right?) 

I am doing some cleaning today.
I’m hanging some pictures in my apartment. I’ll head over to the little Korean market down the road because, to be honest, their prices on blueberries and blackberries are far better than anyplace else.
Aside from this, I’ll write. I’ll work. And yes, I’ll wait.
Besides, maybe tomorrow will bring me something different.
But for now –
I’ll never give way to the easier path again. I’ll never allow myself to have fear influence my steps to the point where I stall or fail. Even more than this, I will never allow my fears to mount or pile so high that they become a constant voice in my head and keep me still –
or stagnant.

And yes, if given the chance or if given the moment, I can swear to you with all that I have and on every name which I hold dear to me; if given the opportunity, I would jump the fence and run towards my freedom without ever looking back. Not even once.

Am I the safe pick?
Are you?

The truth is, I don’t care about the safety of my risk anymore. I care about the depth of my happiness. I care about the fleeting little moments of things that can happen at an instant, and just like that, I am in the driver’s seat of the rest of my life looking for a place to go or a trip to take.

I don’t want this with anyone else . . .
I realized something when laying awake.

Are you ready?

Last night’s sleeplessness led me to thinking of how powerless I am over the choices that are beyond my control. The only control I have is this. . .
My notes, the direction I choose to take my heart, my love, and even though I have no control over how much I love you (because this love keeps pounding like a heartbeat and believe me, the rate of my love is more astounding now than it was yesterday) still, I have some unfinished business to take care of.

I have a kiss to land. I have a hug to hold.
I have a life to give to you. To live this life at my best, I have some corrections to make and some boxes to fill.
It’s time to pack up my old self and to ship this off to someplace unobjectionable.
I have to get rid of this.

My past is gone. Yes, it is.
But I have some details to catch up with.
Plus, I realize that accountability is everything.

Not to mention . . . It’s been a while since I allowed myself the freedom to dream about living in different places. In fact, I needed to revisit something.
I was looking at property listings in the Boynton Beach area yesterday. And just like that, my goals became clear. I have to make this so.

I’m not giving up on this dream. Not on you. Not on my hopes not on my dreams to return to a place in my heart which I like to call “The Motherland.”
More than anything else in this world, as I work to perfect my improvement and in the reconstruction of my life, I refuse to give up on my hopes for a road trip to a place called Chimayo.
Even if it takes the rest of my life, then so be it.
At least if this happens, then not only will I know that I spent the last section of my life being loyal to my truths; I will have also dedicated my loyalty to you as well.
No regrets. No complaints.
No questions asked.

So to you and to the person whom I have unfinished business with –
It’s time for me to ante up.

I don’t care about the risk anymore.
I’m all in.
Besides, I’ve lived the life of timidness before – and to be honest, acting tough and brave didn’t mean anything when I was a coward. 

But I’m not a coward anymore.
With all my heart – I swear it
I will never be a coward again.

So help me, please.
I don’t want to take the risk by myself –
But I will
(if I have to)