Notes from the Neighborhood – Thankfully, For Love’s Sake

I just read somewhere that the right person will make you fall in love with yourself too. 
I agree with this . . .
I can see how this makes sense.
I can see how love is the true enemy of doubt. I can also see why true love can take away pain, dissolve the past, erase the trails of broken memories and bring hope into our heart.

I can see how the sound of a voice can change the course of a day. But more, I can see why the absence of a voice or how the resurgence of doubt can attempt to destroy or confuse the mind. 

I know all about doubt.
But –
I think I’ll go with love on this one.

It is pre-sunrise in the early hours of morning. I am attempting my readiness to get to work on-time, but I am moving at a slow pace. Meanwhile, summer is at its end today. At least one could argue that this is only so unofficially so-to-speak.
School will be back in session in a few days. Life will change on our side of the hemisphere. And again, the holiday months will be here before we know it.

I do my best during these months to pay attention to the details of my loved ones, my friends and to the people around me. I know that these months are the hardest months for them. I know that while most people are celebrating with their family or buying gifts, or eagerly awaiting a family feast; others are not as fortunate and some are not as lucky to have so many people in their life. 

In my case, what will the holiday months be like?
I don’t know.
Divorce is a strange thing.
Yet, in this case, divorce is a necessary thing.

But as for the holidays and the anxiety of “come what may,” I’m not there right now.
As a matter of fact, at the moment, I am thinking about the way a voice can change the direction of my heart.
I am thinking about the way a smile can switch the direction of my thinking and how a laugh can be so contagious and pure – almost childlike, but not childlike at all but more so, I find this refreshing and healing.
Yes, I say. This is love to me.
I can see why people such as Bobby Fischer’s last words were, “Nothing is as healing as the human touch.”
I agree with this. In fact, I can say that the right touch from the right person is more magical than anything else in this world.
Please believe me.
This can heal pain and fix the fears of an abandoned heart. I know because I can speak from experience.
However –
I can see why the absence of touch or how the absence of anything so magical can poison the soul and lead us to despair. I can see how and why our love, if our love is left alone or if uncared for, love can wilt and wither. I can see why and how love is alive and in such cases, like any life, love has needs that are essential to love’s survival.

More than just shelter and food and warmth, love needs the ability of interaction.
Love needs care and nurturing. However, no love is worth any love without self-love. 
See what I mean?

How can I be there for anyone if I have not learned to be there for me?
How can I honestly care for anyone if I cannot or will not care for myself?
These are true and valid questions to consider.
Perhaps the trick here is to perfect this first which is why I’m here because this is what I’m trying to do.

I write this to you as a declaration that the lack of self-care is the actual toxin that destroys our love.
I speak from experience with this as well.
The lack of care or self-love is the venom that kills our hope from within; in which case, how can we love or support anyone in our external existence if our internal existence is toxic or destructive at best?

I say this in these notes to you because when my love returns and when my love chooses to realign and at last we are together, I want to be the best version of me – so, please . . .
I ask that no one see my outcries or the outpours of my sentiment as anything but helpfully building my new sense of self.
However, and as a result of judgment or fears of judgment and due to the stigmas of what a “man” is supposed to be like or what a “man” is supposed to say, this is why people fail to offer themselves or why people fail to declare their love. People reject their own love because in fear of judgment or in fear of vulnerability, no one wants the humbleness or the susceptibility to be hurt or shamed. Or worse, no one wants to dare or open themselves up in fear of the severity that comes with being a fool – and ah, that’s the nail which I’ve hit on the head.

I’ve been a fool before.
I’ve gone through battles with love and in the unfair disadvantages, I can recall times when I swore, “I’ll never do that again!”
“NO WAY!”
Then again, I have never dared to love so greatly or so honestly.
I have never dared because I forgot the basic ingredients which are self-love and self-care. I allowed myself to sit quietly when I knew I should have spoken. I knew there was something wrong or off. I knew that somehow, the trip was either heading in the wrong direction or that otherwise, I knew that something was out-of-sorts or inaccurate. But in fear of loneliness, I submitted and accepted “What is” as if this was the best that I could do and the best person who I could be.
But I was wrong . . .

And love . . .
Ah, she makes me do things.
Love keeps me awake, thinking about her. 
Love keeps my dreams alive and yes, love does bring my desire to the table, as if to say, “What’s for lunch?”

Love makes me think of her face and her reactions to touch or like the way her body feels in my arms.
And yes, I’ve been up for far longer than I wish. Last night was sleepless – thinking about my love.
And yes, sleep would be nice but this time, last night’s bout with insomnia will go uncontested.
I say this because I cannot, will not and do not want to let go of the aching in my heart.
I cannot, will not and refuse to abandon my truth or forget what took place for me to get where I am now. Yes, I want to be in love.
Yes, I love the idea of love. I love everything about this.
I love the way my love allows me to forget about my accent or my physical imperfections.
I love that she allows me to be me, without question. 

I once heard someone tell me, “Thank God for God, right?”

In their sense, the person said it this way because of their lack of faith and to them, God or anything of the sort was man made in a sense because to them, we all need something to believe in.
So, we created God.
I do not have the time to enter into this part of the conversation. However, I do see the need to have someone or something to believe in.
I also see the relevance and the greatness that comes when someone is there to believe in us in return. 

I know what love shouldn’t be. There should be no excuses.
There should be no reasons to defend one’s self. I know that love should never go stagnant; and if it does, this means that either one or both parties have allowed love the biggest theft and crime of all.
I see this when it comes to complacency. But my love cannot and will not be complacent.
No, I want my love to grow. I want my love to flourish, and like fruit from the vine, I want my love to be sweet and mutually serving to both myself and to you
(the love of my life).

Oh, and do I have a love of my life?
Of course, I do. And you should know this by now . . .
If there was no such thing, would I be out here, bleeding so openly, declaring my love, or pouring my heart out from the pitcher of my life?
If there was no such thing as love (or true love) would I be consistently here, on a daily basis, telling you about my rebuild and my personal resurrection in the sense that I am here to reconstruct my life and that I am working on myself from the inside out? If there was no such thing as my true love, would I be here, exposing my weaknesses and telling my deepest secrets? If I did not feel this way as true as I do, would I be exposing the frailness of my heart to you?
Would I be out here, telling the world about how much I love you?

Look at me . . .
I’m in love and I’m weak in the knees.

Would I waste my time with this sort of humility if there was nothing worthwhile to me?
Obviously, I believe in this. Obviously, I believe in love and yes, I do believe that nothing is as healing as the human touch.

I remember a billboard from my youth that stood above the 59th Street bridge.
The sign said, “Perfection is not an accident.”
I agree.  Nothing about perfection is accidental and therefore, nothing about love is accidental either. Love is perfect. Even with our faults and flaws and even in spite of our mistakes and arguments or the time we wasted on other bullshit – our love is as perfect as can be. 
I know it.

I can say that yes, I am a changed man.
I can say that due to the flaws of my past and as a result of gravity, I was held down by the weight of my thoughts and fears. 

I can say that yes, I believed in my rage.
I believed in my anger. And yes, I believed in my fears and insecurity more than the pure nature of love or love’s true purity.
I can say there was a time that I would never be able to declare my love.
I would never dare to articulate or try to express my love this way, so openly and for all the world to see.
“But I’m here now . . .”
I can say that I gave in and traded my heart for the coldhearted thoughtlessness to act as a means of protection which did protect me, at least to some degree.
This also separated me and segregated me from the rest of the world; as in isolated or better yet, secluded.
I was alone and in my loneliness, I couldn’t figure out why no one wanted to be with me.
I couldn’t understand why I was so alone; thus, in my stages of rejection and rejective thinking, I suppose that I went on the preemptive side – as in striking first and striking hard, out of vengeance of course. In the end, I crawled into my hole, lonely, angry and tired of the unwanted battles that I kept alive in my head.

Perfection is not an accident . . .
Neither is love . . .

I remember a time when I was being bullied. I was told to fight back.
I was afraid that if I hit back, I might not hit back hard enough.
I was told, “You just have to really mean it.”
I used to mean it . . .
I used to mean my hate and my contempt.

I say the math works in the opposite direction too.
What if my love is not enough or strong enough?
My answer to myself is this:
You just have to mean it.

And I do –
I mean it

I am done with the contemplations of loneliness.
Safe to say that I am finished with the useless courtships of entertaining the wrong ideas with the wrong people.
Suffice to say that my love is both true and strong because as I suggested above – I mean it.
I mean it with all of my heart.

I have to understand the two-way sides of love. I have to understand the interconnectedness that comes with love as well.
But more, I have to understand that I cannot love perfectly (or mean it perfectly) unless I begin from within – which I have.

I don’t want anything to interrupt this.
I don’t want anything to stop me either – including myself or the poisons from my past.
My goal here is to remove my old toxins that have either tainted or nearly destroyed the purity and the sanctity of my heart. 

Remember, doubt is the enemy of love.
Love is the enemy of doubt. And me, I choose love.
I only wish I had the wherewithal sooner.
This way I could have been loving you for longer and certainly, like last night when I was envisioning you beside me, I could have had more dances between the sheets with you, as in enjoying the physical connection, as in experiencing the warmth and the ecstasy of feeling your body next to me, late at night, when you’re sleeping  – and I awaken you with a surprise . . .

Yes, I agree. Thank God for God is right.
And thankfully, I’d love to thank my love for love.
At least for our love’s sake –

Until the morning comes, dream of me
please –

Sueño Contigo