Notes from the Neighborhood – About My Bucket List

I have been telling you about this so-called rebuild that I’ve been working on, which are these notes of mine. More importantly, this is what this journal is all about. This is about personal improvement. But more, this is about understanding the different levels of my ability to live, love, laugh and learn. This is not about divorce per se or the need to create a new life or start over. While I have told you all about my love, this is more than a journal about love or the need to find love. This is more than my need to feel loved and by no one else except for the love of my life.
No, this is more than a relationship journal or a record of my past, which has led me up here to now. Hopefully, the work I do here is the work that will set me up and propel me towards a better and brighter future.

Aside from learning how to live and to love someone, I want to have fun. 
I want to laugh . . .
More than anything. I want to laugh out loud about silly things, just because. I want to run around and be like a kid again. Yes, I want to laugh like a kid again and see the world through a less-than serious lens. Not everything has to be so serious or intense. Not everything has to be so literal or crucial. Although there’s a lot happening at once and there’s a lot at stake, the need to laugh and have fun and be free is more important now than ever before.

Do you realize that I have not gone on a simple vacation in years?
In fact, I can’t say that I remember the last vacation I went on that didn’t have some kind of personal, family or some kind of hopeful or professional business in mind.
No, I need a real vacation. No limits. No distractions. No reasons for regret. In fact, the only reason for this vacation is to forget the world on a temporary basis.

I need this.
As in, I need this right now.
I need to break away. I need to rid myself of the world’s intensity and sure, I know that world around me will still be on my plate when I get back.
But at least I can say that I got away for a few days.
At least I can say that I walked the beach or maybe I saw a place that I had only read about.

I have a bucket list that needs my attention.
I have a train ride that goes from New York City and heads across the country, all the way to beautiful San Francisco.
I’ve had this tip in mind and I’ve planned this for years.
Only, in fairness to the truth, the energy of this trip has changed for me.
My reasons for the train ride are different and the ending is more storybook than sad or tragic, which is not to say that the train ride is sad or tragic but more, this was seen as an escape for me.

I’m not looking to escape anything now.
I just want to get away for a few days and do something that creates memories. No matter what the courts say and no matter what happens to me in the financial downfalls that come with divorce proceedings, I want to go places and do things that can never be taken away from me.

This is more than a high-priced vacation. This can be a simple road trip down to a restaurant in North Carolina, just because, and then a long drive home with hopes to talk about how good (or bad) the meal was.
This is about the depth of experience.
This is about the rebuilding nature and the connecting tissue which brings me closer to my dream. As well, this brings my dreams closer to me.
Do you get it?
No one can intercept this or destroy us. Instead, life will only inspire us.

For example:
There was a person from my past who used to flaunt what they did, “because they could afford to,” and they certainly made sure that everyone knew how they took a day trip out to Chicago just to try a real slice of Chicago style pizza. This was not about zest or a love for life. This was all about bragging rights.
I’ve never done this. Gone to Chicago, I mean.
If I do, the last thing I would ever do is drape this around anyone to brag or to boast.
No, my energy and my intention is different with regards to these ideas.
I’m not here to make the world jealous or boast about my private life.
But more, I’m here because at this point in my life, I know what I want.
I want to have fun. I wan to enjoy my life and live every day to its best and fullest.
That is all.

I want to live, love, laugh and learn, which are actually known as the Four L’s because anything that affects the Four L’s or the way we live, love, laugh and learn is something that affects and impacts our mental health.
And? Well?
Who doesn’t want something that will affect and set an impact on their mental health for the better?
And currently, I know I am going through a hard time.

So are a lot of people. I understand there are things that are beyond my control; however, I want to address the elephant in the room.

I want to address myself and my approach to my own madness. As well, I have to acknowledge my past decisions and my personal recovery as a result thereof. I have to recognize my need to rebuild from the life I had lived, up until now.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that everything about my life is bad or wrong.
No, that would be dishonest of me.
I can say that yes, I am in the middle of a transformation.
I am currently holding out for the big hopefuls of my life and yes, I am certainly waiting for the love of my life to say come here and take my hand.
But . . .
I can also say that I have seen and felt and experienced some incredible things.
My goal here is to embellish them more than say, the dramas of life or the problems at work or the arguments which are alive and well.
But hopefully we can somehow put the arguments away (sooner rather than later).

I want to live, love, laugh and learn. I missed out on so many opportunities as it is. I’ve never been overseas. I’ve only been to a few places and while my bucket list is long, I realize that since time is of the essence; then if this is the case, the time to act on my dreams is upon us.

I want to head over to a place in Philadelphia and buy a real cheesesteak. I’d like to go to Maine.
I’m pretty sure that you knew this.
I’d like to see Rhode Island at least once. And New Hampshire too. And Vermont as well.
I’d like to see what all the buzz is about in Rome. And I’d like to go to Monte one day.
At least, I hope this is still in the cards for me. Oh, and the seven mile bridge. As simple as this sounds, I’ve never driven across this. To be honest, there’s no one else in the world who I’d rather do this with (except for you).

I want to see Alaska.
I want to go back to Hawaii. Only this time, I want to go back there with someone who should have been there with me the first time because there I was, in the most beautiful paradise in the world, and I was with the worst company possible . . . it’s like wasting the good surprise on the wrong person.
Know what I mean?
I still have my heart set on a trip that brings me to a few places in New Mexico. And that has to happen. I have an appreciation for Cuba which is another place on my list. Then there’s Spain and the Iberian Peninsula. Of course, I’d like to be anywhere along the Amalfi Coast. And for some reason, I’d like to check out Greenland and Iceland as well.

I heard it’s cold there, so I suppose we’ll have to pack a few extra jackets. 

I want to live like this. Or better yet, I want to be like a kid in a candy store.
Only now, there’s adults around to tell me what I can or cannot buy; and go ahead, charge me by the pound.
That’s fine. I have a job. I can pay for it.
I want to live this way and learn this way because, of course, I want to laugh this way. More than anything; I want to love this way too.

I want to love like a kid loves because a kid’s love is true and pure. While I grant you that my physical needs are stronger now than ever before – and while I make no apologies for my arousals and my interests at an intimate level; just know that if I am aroused or “turned on” as they say, please know that this is because I know what love is.
I know her intimately and perfectly. And more than this, when I am with “my love” or when I think of “my love,” I am alive and young again.

Life does not have to be so goddamn serious. And yet it is.
Life does not have to be so tragic yet here we are and look around us.
Tragic things are happening everywhere.

But to hell with it. And dare I say it, I can look at you, “my love,” and not care if the sky is falling or if the world is collapsing.
I can laugh at all of this with a bucket of popcorn, and say, “Holy shit, would you look at that!” because as long as “my love” is next to me, nothing else could possibly matter.

The lights could go out. We could lose power. And I’d be fine to live by the candlelight or the moonlight and sit with “my love” for hours. We could talk about anything and everything, or we could sit quietly or lay beside each other – or kissing, or better yet, let’s see how many rooms we can run around naked and be wild in.
Yes, I think kissing is one of my favorite things to do.
I love where this leads to, which is always explosive and yes, the impact this has on my Four L’s is something that affects the way I live, love, laugh and learn for the better each day.

I tell you . . .
The world could announce its retirement and that would be fine, so long as you “my love” would be my date to the retirement party.
I wouldn’t care.
I wouldn’t have to worry about the commonplace things. I could move away from the fights about politics and the arguments about the government.
No, not with “my love” by my side.
All I would really need is a tasty snack and maybe a show that we could binge watch on television, because I have to tell you . . .
I have the perfect couch for this in my new place, which is small and modest, but perfect for us to be physically closer – and to me, that would be the life I want
(forever)

I’d want “my love” to be next to me, as in real close. I’d like to touch her.
Maybe rub her legs or massage her feet while losing myself in the moment and watching her look at the television. I could laugh as “my love” talked to the show as if the actors could hear her input.

I want to see her laugh and smile and yes, this is how I know that the world is really a good place.
The world is a great place because in spite of everything and in spite of the powers that be; or in spite of the time at hand, there are places and things to do which do not have to break the bank.
They just have to fuel the heart and that’s all.
We need to have fun. We need to laugh because to me, this is the penicillin for the soul.
I don’t know about you, but my soul could use a shot right now. 

I could use a dose of laughter. I could use a moment of silly dancing, just to make fun of the world,

I could use a walk or wait – I could use the sight of “my love” coming around the corner of a building and seeing her face (and when I say this, I mean as in your face) as she emerges from the side of the building. More than this, I love the expression that “my love” makes when she notices me watching – and of course, her smile is undeniable.
Then again “my love” is undeniable as well.

I don’t want to be miserable. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to fight or argue or bicker back and forth about meaningless things.
No, I have other ideas.
I want to take a ferry ride. I want to see the marinas and walk the docks to look at the boats
and dream. Then I want to figure out the stars and hope that they align, so that by the end of this chapter, all of this will lead me to a place which I have been talking about –  my dream . . .

I want to set up my tickets and ready my bucket list.
I want this to be numbered and prioritized.

I know that I might be trying too hard. And I know that I might be pleading too much but at the same time, I’m fine with this.
I’m fine because if I miss a chance or if I fail, then I will not fail because I did not dare or try.
No, if I fail it wouldn’t be because I didn’t give my all.
This would be because something outside of me or out of my control made a change.
None of that would be on me because me . . .
I’ll never quit or accept less or accept a settlement again.

That won’t happen.
Not on my watch.

There is no substitute.
There is no other life or any other love than “my love.” Because this is true, I’m going to leave this here – with hopes that you read this and sooner rather than later – these dreams of “ours” can come true.
Oh, and let’s not forget Baja, California. . .
There’s a place there that I need to see.
I think you’d agree with me on this one.
And if not, that’s fine.
I’m open to suggestions to go anywhere.
As long as “my love” comes with me
and we find a way to play the right music
(So we can dance).