Notes from the Neighborhood – Here I Come

They say that we give off an energy or maybe this is our chemistry. Maybe this is why we gather and gravitate towards certain people in our lives.
Maybe some of our connections are more of a habit and less than helpful and more of a deterrent than an inspiration to launch our life into the next best level.
Maybe the reasons for our connections are more scientific or even phycological than the cosmic nature of what we think or believe that fate should be.

I realize that we have little to no control over fate or what’s meant to be. However, I can say that living and working towards a goal or an outcome does bring us closer to where we want to be. I can say this works far better than living or moving in stages of procrastination. Moving forward is going to bring us one step, one second, one minute and even one day closer to our soul than moving us farther or further away.
I believe that as people, we fall into each other’s life at certain times and in certain places. While chance might have a lot to do with our random meetings, when out of nowhere, everything changes yet, if there is no energy and there is no connection, a random passing would be nothing more than a random passing. Thus, there would not even be an afterthought or a specific memory or a feeling in the heart.
But in this case, all there is are the connections and the signs and all the fingers which have pointed us to here in this very direction.

I do believe that my life has a course which I am following this now and living according to this to the best of my ability. As hard as this may be at times and as unsure as I might think I am, I know that there’s a path for me.
I know that in the end, the ends will have justified the means.
I know this.

I know all about the rocky roads of my yesterday and sure, I know all about my mistakes. Yes, I can see where my bouts with selfishness and fears have either reshaped or changed the hopes of my future.
I cannot do anything about this.
As much as I want to and as much as I wish that I could change everything, I cannot change what took place nor can I alter my past. 
No, all I can do is change from here on in.

All I can do now is ready myself for the next opportunity and when it comes my way, I have to reach out for this. I have to grab hold. I have to understand that my past can most absolutely repeat itself unless I dare or open myself up to the subjects of change.

I do admit to my faults and my wrongs. In fact, I admit to them fully and without any excuse or protest. 

There is a result and a reaction for everything we do or say. Even if this is minimal or if a reaction seems ever so slight, there is always a reaction. And me – as for now, I am working on transforming my life. I am working through the fears of loneliness. To be absolutely transparent, I am afraid. Yes.
Absolutely!
I am worried that I might be “that guy” alone and unmatched
(or unmatchable).

I am worried that perhaps I might have moved into this stage alone and while alone, I look around and see what happens when we waste time on things like worry, fear, insecurity and doubt.

I have been here before – alone, I mean.
But this time is certainly different. I am older.
I’m not sure if I am wiser or not, but I am older.

I am aware that time keeps on moving. I am also aware that while living in defense of my character flaws and living while trying to hide myself; as in never daring to expose my truths or never enjoying the freedom of being absolutely vulnerable, I am aware that I have lived behind walls for much of my life. And to what avail?
But now, as I look to build bridges and catwalks, walkways and new pathways or causeways, I am faced with new and different challenges. I am faced with different fears and questions. 

I am also faced with new worries of rejection.
And I think this is important to say. I think it is important to put this out there and more, it is brave and fearless and searching for me to say that I don’t care so much for my yesterdays anymore.
They’re gone. Even if no one else lets them go – my yesterdays don’t belong to me anymore. 
Nope –
These are in the books. These are my memories and my lessons; however, I need to heed them differently now.

And it’s fine – no, really it is.
Maybe I learned too late. But like I’ve been saying throughout this entire journal, to hell with it. At least I’m learning.
At least I can feel the feelings that come with this, including the bad ones or the unwanted ones.
At least I can dare the edge and I can walk and talk without hiding my thoughts or never revealing my true feelings.
I don’t have to hide who I like or love or who I care for
(or who I don’t care for).
I don’t have to live a second or a double life anymore. I don’t have to be one person in one room and another person in a different one. 

The one most absolutely amazing outcome that resulted in my recent change is that I have the right to be exactly who I want to be. I can love who I choose.
I can talk to whomever I choose. I can walk, laugh, hold hands and kiss in front of Macy’s window and not think a second thought, other than how amazing it is to be and feel free.

I can offer myself now in a new and glorious way. But more, I can enjoy the connections and the energy and the chemistry because when the time is right and the fit is so clear to me, I understand that there are no accidents. There is nothing random about us or about the way two people come together and meet, or fall in love.

Like I said to you before – I love, love. 
I love everything about my love.
It’s true. . .

I love the freedom that I have now. While I admit that not everything is easy or so freeing for me at the moment, still, I believe that everything I went through which has brought me up to “the here and now” is worth it.
I say this because in my heart, I believe that nothing in the world is random or so up to chance. I believe that I have been slated for this. I believe that I am supposed to reach for this and for this, I mean my new life and with you by my side, I know that I am unstoppable.
And so are you, just in case you were wondering . . .
Maybe I am old, but I’m not so old that I don’t know what it means to want to touch and taste or to feel or to be so young again that I can drive along an empty highway with the top down and sing a favorite song at the top of my lungs. 

I want to be nothing less than brave now.
I want to be the most loyal version of myself (for myself) because I understand that there are no second chances. And if there are, the rarity of this or finding that second chance is so precious and important that I need to value and honor this as if to catch a bolt of lightning, or to stand at the end of a rainbow. More, once I realize and once I recognize the value of fate and how all signs and roads have led me up to here for a reason – I cannot and will not allow myself to give up or let this go.
I will never be so disloyal to my hopes and truths that I allow my fear or worries to intercept the moment, which is now.
It’s a good day to be alive.
It’s a better day to be in love.
And more than anything, it’s a perfect day, night and time, to be connected and spend the rest of my life with you.

I am not jaded nor am I doubtful nor will I allow myself to fixate on all the possible things that could go wrong. Besides, I’ve lived like this before.
Do you know what happens?
I do –
I missed out on the little tiny memories that are as precious as a singular raindrop, fresh from the palm of a leaf that rolled down – and fell to earth, just for us.
I missed so many things this way.
But not anymore.

I overthought and overanalyzed and questioned my entire life away.
But to what avail?
Did I allow this to let me live free (or die trying)?
Did I allow this to interrupt or intercept my best possible dreams because in my fear or lack of self-worth, was I too afraid to try?

In the case of being happy or finding my life and living “happily ever after,” how can overthinking and overanalyzing, over-questioning help me?
My answer is this never helped me before.
So, I have no time for the mental mind games or the emotional distractions.
I have a life to live, a dream to catch and the edge of a rainbow that’s just begging for me to find her. 

I will close here because doubting my way to the grand premier of my life will do nothing but delay my arrival.
And I’m done with delays –
I’m done with overthinking.
It’s time to live now and show up for my new life.

Procrastination has done me no favors in the past.
So, now – here I go
Ready or not, life . . .
Here I come

Just for you