I can’t say it was always like this. I can’t say that I always saw clearly or even if I see things clearly now, I can’t say that I see anything clearly enough to call it all obvious. I can’t say that I understand the process of how life works or why life happens the way it does. I know that I have been telling you about fate and my love and the connection between the two. I see signs. As in, all the time. As in every direction I turn, there’s a memory or a hint of some kind as if this is a finger that’s pointing me towards a direction. And so . . .
When it comes to my list of mishaps and my list of accomplishments as well as my list of items that I need to prepare for and overcome; I’m not positive whether I spent too much time treating symptoms or perhaps I spent too much time focusing on problems instead of defining my solutions.
Maybe I needed to come to this understanding. This way, I can learn to stop treating the heart attacks AFTER they happen.
Life without faith is faithless. This is a simple truth.
Life without hope is hopeless. This is also a simple truth.
This has nothing to do with belief or the different concepts of God. This has nothing to do with the ins and outs and this has nothing to do with fairness or unfairness of life.
If we don’t believe then we are beliefless.
However, even if we believe (which I do) there are times when our beliefs are overwhelmed or bombarded by the past. There are thoughts that come in, like an angry mod of people who look to shout and complain about past items that have either distracted or destroyed our best interests.
I get that which is why I am not talking about faith in God or the faithlessness of having no God, whatsoever.
That’s not what this is about, at least not in this context.
Maybe it was that I had no faith for too long. This could be true.
Maybe I understood too much about hopelessness and, at the time, this was so much to me that I comfortably understood the rules of a back-and-forth engagement.
I held on to this. I held my doubts and gripped them tightly. I never believed in anything.
I held my rage. I held my resentments. And yes, I bled on the people who didn’t cut me, so-to-speak.
I held on to this way of thinking, of course, because living this way was familiar to me.
This was all I knew.
This is not a disclosure of a chronic mental or an emotional sickness or an open message to explain a personal or social disorder.
This is not a specific diagnosis to organize my past mistakes that led me up to a turn of events.
This is no admission of guilt or wrongdoing.
No.
This is me exposing that I spent a long time resisting truths and arguing my position which, of course, was never my fault.
Or, so I thought. I don’t place blame or use words like fault anymore.
However, I understand my own accountability.
Nevertheless, I pointed fingers, sure I did.
I always assumed that I am the way I am because of my life’s symptoms.
I assumed that I will always be this way due to a result of outside influences or past discrepancies.
But if I say this, then where is my accountability when it comes to the items in my life which need to improve?
If I point fingers, then how does this improve my life from an internal perspective?
The truth is I could have made several years of my life so much easier if I would have allowed myself the chance “to live.”
I could have been more fortunate if I learned to have my internal acceptance take the place of my internal resistance to fear or shame-based concepts that something about me is “wrong” and that I am either unmatchable or unwanted.
See?
This is what happens when we lack the practice of personal, mental and emotional fitness.
And depression?
Anxiety?
And shame and shame-based thinking are always looking to exercise to keep the doors pushed closed and keep us stuck.
Truth is whether we like it or not, facts will always be fact.
Facts are inescapable.
However, in the case of the facts which are now, I have the right to exercise my hopes.
I have the right to exercise my dreams and whether I like what I see or if the results are in my favor, or if the hand of destiny points the other way; I know that at this point in my life, there is only one truth.
Any other version of this is simply opinion.
So, let me stick with the truth.
No amount of arguing, blaming or denial can ever change the truth.
All this does will influence my opinion (or alter my perception).
I am where I am.
Life in resistance is always tense.
Everything is always crucial and nothing changes.
Such is life this way; always responding instead of living, always reacting, always looking for the angle, waiting anxiously and fighting a fight like a soldier in a battle that never existed.
Do you understand what I mean by this?
I hope so . . .
This is part of my inventory which I face now, both willingly and actively.
I am not doing this for you, per se. However, I am doing this in fairness because the old scripts in my head and my old way of thinking has either deactivated some of my hopes or destroyed some of my most precious dreams. And so be it –
If I lost, then I lost.
But no one can stop me.
No one can make me “give up” either because my life is my life, my hopes are my hopes and my love is my love –
ongoing.
I do not want my life to be dictated to me.
No, this is not the life I want.
To me, life in a constant state of reaction or worry or intenseness and arguments is not living at all. And more, life without action or without working or moving towards something is lifeless.
Life without love is loveless and life without affection or a kiss or a touch from the hand is unthinkable and lonesome.
Therefore, life in response to fear or worry or anxiety, well, that’s just responding and so –
life in a state of constant response is like a country that’s always on the brink of war.
To hell with war,
I want peace.
That’s the life for me.
That’s the life I want for myself. Therefore, my response to life has to change to a simple form as a means of basic, everyday and routine mechanics.
Enough with overthinking or trying to prove myself.
Enough with pushing my way in. If it’s fate – then it’s fate.
And for now, I am pulling back and hoping that fate pulls its trick for me.
It’s hard though – to accept the things we cannot change.
There are things I can change and things that I can’t.
I know all about it.
There are things I can fix and things I can’t.
I know all about this too.
I also know that I am most out of control when I face the uncontrollable and try to change it.
But I can’t. Which means I have to discover a new route.
I cannot go at life as if I can fix the unfixable, as if my skills can overcome an infinite doubt.
Simple truth:
Life is easier when I spend my time living instead of existing. I am happiest when I am not retaliating.
I am truly living when I am living within the parameters of my truth. Otherwise, I am dying alive when I live in my fears or anxious thinking.
So much can happen in such a short amount of time.
And just like that, self awareness becomes clear like a lightbulb going on after being off for way too long.
Maybe I’m down . . .
But I most definitely am not out.
I’m just waiting for my turn to stand in the batter’s box again, or to be up next and to swing for the fences.
There’s a lot out of my control.
However, the rest is on me.
Consecutively
The Written Addiction 