Notes from the Neighborhood – Coming Closer to Closure

And so it goes . . .
Right?
And so this is what happens with any change or with any moment of realization. This is what comes upon us when we open our eyes, or with any so-called bottom that we hit, we have to come to an understanding or an acceptance of “What is,” which is either unalterable or beyond our control.
We have to address the bottom that we’ve hit. As if to say, “Okay, I guess this is it.” Or, “This is what’s happening” and at the same time, this doesn’t mean we have to like it. This doesn’t mean we agree with what’s happening. All this means is we understand where we’re at.
And that’s me –

All else is out of my reach.
And that’s fine.
But I know who I am. I know where my heart is
and for now, this will have to be sufficient.

I think that above all things to do when it comes to loss, we have to acknowledge what we lost.
See, I’d rather feel it.
I’d rather be honest about this.
I’d rather acknowledge than deny because why lie to myself?
Why act as if something wasn’t what it was (or is)?

First, I think it’s time to address the elephant in the room.
Or in this case, it’s time to address that the elephant is the loss. Nobody likes losses. No one wants to lose. No one wants to have something taken from them, especially their comfort which, if we’re being honest, this is what we’re all looking for. Isn’t it?
No one wants the warmth from their life removed or taken away like a tablecloth pulled away from beneath the plates, slipped out and then crashed – and then oops, I guess the trick didn’t work.
Ever see that trick?
I have.
But like all tricks, there’s always more than meets the eye.

Doesn’t everyone want to feel safe?
Who wants to be uncomfortable or afraid?
Who wants to be alone or deal with the worries that come with perpetual loneliness, as if to say that wow, I can’t believe this will be me. . . . And the answer is this – no one.
No one wants to be “Alone” per se.

However, to heal is to acknowledge. To recover is to understand that what was lost and in the sense of learning how to regain at least a semblance of self, then we have to acknowledge the truth.

And here it is . . .
This is my truth.

I know what I lost. To be clear and without a shred of hate or resentment, I will expose the honest features of my loss.
I lost the best times of my life. I lost a dream. I lost the romance of an idea which, to me, was beyond touch or the raw and perfect nature of living fast, alive, and being up front and out loud.
I can say this is the best way to live. And I lived this way.
With no regrets.
I lost the momentum which was my stride; in which case, I thought that I was going to be ready to take on the world. And maybe I still can. Who knows?
But for now, it’s reflection time.
No holds barred.
I entered into a series of angry debates. I am entering into a stream of an angry and hateful culture which is the back and forth with lawyers and discoveries. I am entering into a new phase of life, alone, but not hopeless.

No, I still have hope.
However, I can say that I have had the best time of my life. I can say that I have seen amazing things. I have stayed in amazing places. I have eaten incredible meals and whether this was real or not, or if this was the right way to live or not, I can say that at least I opened myself up to dance a slow dance with no one else around. And, I can say that I showed my heart.

And that’s okay . . .
(even if it was marked “return to sender”)

This has nothing to do with shame or the sad hardships that come with splits or the arguments that lead us to breakups. No, this is my truth.
No one wants to lose.
Nobody wants to lose their dream and no one wants to let go of their hopes.

Nobody wants to be alone and sure, in the case of finding my co-pilot to navigate the world or to see the things that I hope to see (someday) and even with the simple places, like going to Vegas, which I’ve never done – I know there will be a chance for me to touch the sky.
I know that while I have no choice, I understand that life changes. 

I know that dreams may alter. But my dream will always be real and true. No matter what and with all of my heart, my dream will always be kept alive until my last breath or the last glimpse of light.

I have no regrets world –
I can say that.
I can say that I have seen so many beautiful things.
And I have seen love. I have touched the legs and rubbed the feet of this.
I have embraced and touched and hugged and felt every moment. I have kissed more passionately than anyone else in the world. I can promise you this.
I have made love. I have seen the sun come up in different parts of my country and thought to myself – I am the luckiest man in the world.
I just want more of it –

There is no denying any of the above. I know all about the best times of my life. And I know all about the loss or the changes that take place when dreams change.
Or, perhaps I should say that I know all about the sad realization that things come to an end, regardless of our wants or appreciation for them.

I am here now. Early morning.
I am sifting through the concepts of what will come next.
Moreover, I am also sifting through the war which is about to be waged upon me. 
And again, I have no regrets.
I see this as my balance which is due, because no matter what the payment is, I lived in such a great way that the price is still worth it.

Lawyers and courts and the back and forth jargon are never something I will be comfortable with.
I hate the phases of intimidation.
However, and like I said, recovery comes when the realization takes place that whether we agree or whether we want our situation to be as it is, my life is not over.
It’s only changed.

It doesn’t matter if someone lied or just played the part.
It doesn’t matter whether there are resentments or if there were arguments.
The truth is still the truth.
My truth is I still have love and my love is perfect. I can love perfectly now and I will do this from here on in, until death do us part.
Trust me on this one.
I can see my way towards getting ahead is going to be altered now. I can end this journal soon and create a new beginning. But for now, this is just another note from the neighborhood. For now, I am sitting in the dark silence, finishing my coffee because I have work to do.

I’ve begun to start over again which is okay, because the fact is, we have the right to start over again – to start fresh, to give ourselves a real shot at happiness, and to be ready because the last thing I ever want for my life is to be loveless or passionless.
I never want to live without affection. I never want to live without being kissed. I never want to know a life in which I will never be made love to. And more, I never want to go back to living in a plain, boring, or flat existence – passionless, loveless, and worse – I call this lifelessness. 

If it’s on me, then it’s on me.
But I can’t let my dream fade or wilt or die like an old page from a poem that will always mean the world to me.

No one can stop me from my dream. Not even my dream.
Because, and yes, here it is – I have nothing bad to say. 

I had an incredible time. And no matter what, whether I find my place with the best bowl of soup or if I make my way to some of my bucket-list places alone or not, I refuse to pardon myself.
I refuse to give up on the understanding that my love is real. And more, I refuse to never be touched or loved or kissed or held with the passion of ten thousand maniacs.
It’s true.

I will never allow myself to live a loveless life . . .
ever again.
Also, I will never settle again either.
I will never accept a lower or lesser value.

I see you, World. But guess what –
I want more.
So, are you ready?
Good. . .
Then let’s go.

It’s time to leave the comfort zone – 
and embark on a whole new journey.