There’s a song that comes to mind. And this is a good song. It’s a happy song and a song that comes from when I was younger and trying to be free. I would hear this song when I was somewhat “away” yet, there was a piece of me that was looking to get away, as best as I could.
This is a little song about Bobby McGee by Janis Joplin. I have this song in mind because yes, I am facing a new threshold. I am also looking to defy certain anxieties and old phobias. But also, I am on a constant move to be better and to break the hold, which has kept me stuck for way too long.
More than anything, I am ridding myself of old cobwebs and freeing myself up to explore; yet even more than this, I am not stepping out of my comfort zone.
Instead, I am reconstructing this. So, as the signs say around places that undergo renovations, please pardon the appearance.
I booked a trip to a place where, in fairness, I have no idea where I’m going. I have a plan though, which is loose by all means; but still, I have a plan nonetheless. I have a mission that I have chosen to accept and dare I say this, I have chosen to take the steps it takes to get where I need to go (so I can heal).
As far back as my memory takes me, I have not done anything like this on my own. Not ever, at least not really.
So, there are certain fears and little anxieties that surface. There are worries that I’ll be stuck or something will miss the mark. I’m afraid that I’ll miss my flight or that my car won’t pick me up on time. And this is okay. It’s somewhat normal (I suppose) and to be clear, this is all on me which is why this trip is absolutely necessary.
I say this because this proves that my capabilities are far beyond what I assumed they were. I can do these things. I can make a change. I can make a shift. I can advance. I can live and go and be and do things like anyone else in this world.
Am I scared? Yes.
Am I worried that something can or will go wrong?
Absolutely.
But still –
I made a move.
I did something to face my fears but also, this is my way of extending my middle finger to the anxious worries that plague people and keep them from reaching out to find themselves in a new and better way.
As I see it –
Life comes with moments of both construction and deconstruction. There are times when we fall apart and times when we piece ourselves back together.
What I mean is there are times when we have to disassemble ourselves and take ourselves apart; and there are times when we have to take a breath and reassemble ourselves, carefully, and one step at a time because no matter what’s happening, how bad, and no matter how much this hurts, or how confused life can be, no matter what; we cannot stop rebuilding ourselves or learning to perfect our craft.
At the same time, we have to learn and practice acceptance. We have to understand the moments as they are and for the time being, this is what it is.
I have not made too many attempts to connect with anyone around this neighborhood; however, my landlord was over yesterday and that was nice. This makes a whole month that I have been in my new place. I have decorated the walls. I have put pictures up and taken some down.
I am allowing myself the room to grow here.
I made a commitment to a gym, which is also nice. I’ve made a notch on my bucket list which is an achievement to say the least. Also, my next excursion is a promise to myself. Only, instead of being a birthday gift like my trip to the southwest, this trip will be a Christmas gift to me. And yes, there is something beautiful about this. There is something sweet and daring and brave about this as well. However, and I need to acknowledge this, there is something humbling about this too and something real and slightly sad; as if these trips both seal and cement my fate that this is it. This is where I am.
(for now)
This acknowledges that I am on my own. However, rather than allow myself to lament or find pity and rather than bitch or moan and complain to God the Almighty that “Hey, life’s unfair!” I have decided to brave these moments. Should this change for the better than I would gladly welcome these changes. Should my situation change or advance or improve and should I find myself, hand-in-hand, with whom and where I want to be, then I would welcome this with open arms.
No fuss. No reasons for explanations.
No need to talk about it –
But for now –
I have to create and recreate my routine as many times as I can. I am doing this to keep myself from sifting through the thoughts that do nothing else but degrade my best interest. I have to stop thinking the thoughts that make me sad or imagining the scenarios that hurt my feelings.
And yes – weekends are toughest.
Alone time is quiet and the silence is loud (or deafening).
But I have the right to replace thoughts with actions.
I have my Saturday morning ritual which is when I get my ingredients together and make a slow-cooker, crock pot invention.
I’m new to this next one. It’s a buffalo chicken soup, which looks and sounds pretty good.
So, I’ll have to see how this comes out. But of course, and as always, I’ll save you a bowl (with love) just in case you show up.
Anyway –
For now, my mind is off into that long road that takes me through desert lands and leads me to a place where healing begins.
This is a pilgrimage. Yes, that’s a good word for it.
This is a trip to a personal Mecca and more, this is a search for the dirt and a chance to grab earth from the ground at a place which is said to heal the sick.
Am I sick?
I am no sicker than anyone else in this world.
In the same regard, I am in equal need of healing and grace. I am in search of relief and on a quest to be free from both heartache and regret.
Will this trip help me? Well…
It can’t hurt me.
I suppose the most freeing aspect of this trip so far is when I looked on the screen and clicked on the icon which agreed to book this trip.
I had to call customer service.
I told the operator why I was making this trip and he cried. . .
(I should probably stop making people cry though. You think?)
The flight is in coach, which is fine. I have a connecting flight, which is fine too. But I’m still going to land early in the day which gives me plenty of time.
I’ll make it down to a world which is much different from mine. I’ll grab my little economy rental car. I’ll check into my room, which is certainly not rated with all stars yet there’s something perfect about this.
This is the ground up. This is the dirt into which I am planting my seeds and to which my hopes and dreams will be safely secured because so long as I nurture both this and me and my heart; I know that I can make this grow.
I know where my heart is. I know where my soul is. I might not know where my home is at the moment, which is not to say that I’m not home at this time; however, the term “home” has a deeper meaning to me. And that’s what I want – my home.
Until that day comes and until this day arrives; I am going to allow myself the measure, the right, the weight, and the momentum it takes to plant every seed and nurture every moment.
I am alive.
So long as I am alive, my will to both live and love perfectly will always be a representation of my heartbeat.
This is my strength which is undying. This is my love which is undeniable and unstoppable.
This is my dedication to both me and the truth of the matter which, at this point, is an acknowledgement of facts.
The fact is yes, I am facing this trip at a time when my legs are shaky and my heart is weak. However, at least facing this, I am not giving in to excuses (anymore). At least, I have no regrets. I’ll never have to question the “what if’s” again because I will never be in a position or find myself at an occasion in my life when I left something up to the judges.
Say what I mean
Mean what I say
This is the only way to move forward
I will never be so weak or afraid again. I will never allow myself to submit or retreat from the only worthwhile battles in this new life because yes; some things are worth fighting for. In addition to this, I will never allow myself to sink so deeply into my thoughts that I forget what it means to laugh or experience the joy of simple things – and let this mean everything.
I’ll have to make a trip to the supermarket later. I’ll have to get my gym clothes on too because, although I have social and personal anxieties about being in a gym or around other people when I exercise; and likewise with this trip that I’m about to embark on; I still have a life to live. No one can live their life in a box or held in a hole where there’s no love, no life, no hand to hold, no lips to kiss and no warmth in the night, which lets face it – lonely nights can be pretty cold sometimes.
Or nights in bed with the wrong person are cold, like Siberia, and that empty space between two bodies when accidentally crossed is the worst of places, especially after an accidental or an unwanted touch of a leg or the foot of someone you don’t want to be with.
No one should ever live like this . . .
However, I can’t think about the fears of “what ifs” anymore. I can’t worry about what if I get lost? Or what if the car breaks down in the middle of nowhere? What if there’s no cell phone service?
Or –
What if no one ever loves me the way I want them to or need them to?
I can say, there’s an opposite end to this spectrum:
What if the world I’m about to see is even more beautiful than I ever imagined?
What if the glories are waiting for me?
What if all of this is just around the corner?
Whether or not any of this is valid or if this is just a mental or emotional distraction is irrelevant to me now.
Besides, even though you are not coming with me, you’ll always be with me anyway.
No matter where I go.
But don’t worry, I promise that I’ll be taking notes.
Oh, and excuse me Mr. Kerouac,
I know that my “on the road” skills are not at your level.
But either way, I am going to reach out to the spirit of your prose. I am going at this to the best of my ability. I am going to write down what I see and express this with all of my heart –
Just so you can see this through my eyes – that is, of course, if there is such a trick
If there is, then let me see if I can pull this off and say –
Ta-Da!
So long, comfort zone . . .
I have a new life ahead of me.
The Written Addiction 