Notes from the Neighborhood – And as for My Love . . .

What is a word without anything behind it?
What is a letter? What is a number, as in a number of years or an anniversary without the depth of something behind it?
I am learning now. Perhaps this is because I have no choice. Maybe I’m learning because in the case of my new life and the next few chapters, at least until this story closes, I am facing my truths and the reactions to my choices.

I can see where my choices have led me to be, which is not altogether bad, per se.
However – here I am. I say this often as a reminder to myself because “I am here.”
As in right here and regardless to how fast we run or try to hide; the saying is true. “No matter where you go, there you are,” which is why I have chosen to improve myself at my core.

By the way, I think I know what love is now. It’s more than the pretty little things we see. It’s more than the obvious things we notice or take note of.
Love is more than the sensation of physical touch or the splendor of an intimate moment that keeps us connected. It’s more.
Love is more than the nights between the sheets and the warmth of two bodies as they embrace while they sleep. It’s more than the photos we see from vacations and love is even more than the so-called good life.
And more, love is even more than the fairy tail which we refer to as happily ever after. In fact, love blows this away and leaves these items in the dust because love is bigger, faster and certainly stronger.
 
Love is a dedication which is beyond compare.
Love is this and more.

Love is not about the good things or all the happy times because these things are both easy and enjoyable. There is no risk to our endurance when love is happy and life is kind.
However, while love includes the happiest days of my life, I see love for what it is now.
Love is more. Therefore, if I am to love at my best, then I have to improve beyond my best at an ongoing rate and on a daily basis because to me – the weight and the might and the purity of this is worth the strength it takes to carry my love from one room to the next.

Love is my friend Brian.
Love is the worth that he felt from his husband. Love is Brian’s world that changed yet, Brian never turned away nor folded nor did he forget the meaning behind the words, ”I do” or  “Until death do we part”

I see this now. I see where my improvements need to be.
Thus, I am more connected to the terms of love than ever before. Thanks to this journal and the realization that love comes from within so then, if I am to perfect my love than I have to begin within.

I am more connected to a new understanding. I am certainly sure of my love and the meaning of what love is. And while love comes in different forms and with different levels of intensity, I understand more about the love that I want. I know all about the love I want to give.
To be clear, there is no retreating from this. There’s no turning back.
There is no escape. There is no easy-out clause because once you’re in it, you’re in it.
And that’s it.
There’s no way out. There’s no running away and even more importantly, once you’re in love (and I do mean real love) not even hell at your front door could stop you from your love or scare you into running away.

I have had the privilege of seeing true love in the past few days.
I am humbled by this. No wait, I am more.
I am bowing my head; almost as if to be on my knees, hands clasped in a moment of prayerful appeal, as if to plea and to be modest and humble or even vulnerable in the worship.
This is how big my love is to me.
I am beside myself in an emotional sense yet I am encouraged. I am enlightened. While I am not perfect, nor can I be, I am aware that love is bigger than me.
In fact, my love is bigger than I am. And when I look to see what my love is, I see that love is neither conditional or unconditional but instead, love is alive.
Love is a out life, as in living and breathing, even until the very last breath. Or perhaps as I mentioned before, love is the absolute reason why we say, “until death do us part.”
I believe this now.
Even more so, I understand that love is a responsibility.
As it was taught to me, love is a reward.
Love is power and with great power comes great responsibility.
Therefore, if I am to love more, then I have to be more responsible of my love.
Such are the lessons that come with divorce but no lesson is ever valuable enough unless we retain them so we never forget.

Love is work. But more, love is a loyal plea.

Like Chris –
He’s alive and well.
He’s my friend.
He’s literally one of the strongest people I know –
So for him I say FUCK YOU, cancer.
I listened to him detail the accounts of his surgery.
I listened to him tell me about the love from his wife. 

That’s what love is.

What is love?
Sometimes love is only helpless.
Sometimes love is standing by, just to be there, and as you watch the person you love; regardless of the pain or the sadness, your dedication is unshakable because to you – it’s something like this: you see that person over there? That’s the person who means everything to me.
That’s love.
I say this figuratively yet in my mind, I am pointing at her, both figuratively and quite literally to the love of my life – unwavering and unfaltering, unconditionally and with all my faults, I see this now and my aim to improve as more than just a pilgrimage.
I see this more than just an intimate or loving imperative. I see this now and realize that in preparation for my soul and my soulmate, my love is now cleansed by the realization that love is far from perfect. However, love’s perfection is not that it is free from faults; but instead, love is perfect because love is unending.

That’s strength!

Love is waiting for the person to be better or to feel better. Love is allowing someone space or the time and in the interim, keeping their place for them because the heart is true and no one else can replace this (or them).
Love is undying. Love is partly painful and partly sad.
Love is rejoiceful.
Love is giving and feeding and yes, love is mutually interactive. But sometimes, love is defenseless and outmatched.
Love can be outmanned, outnumbered, and certainly outgunned.

Even still, love does not give in under these conditions.
Love is the strongest thing in the galaxy because love can reach across the entire universe and be even stronger than the biggest or darkest black hole. Love is faster than the speed of light because love can be anywhere before the tick of a second.
But –
Love is also thankless. Love can come unreturned. Love can be harsh and cruel and even still; love never ends nor questions or quits or stops breathing.
I’m still here. Aren’t I?
Love never stops beating like the heart in my chest, which is me; as in right now –
In love.

This is my heart. This is all me.
This is a representation of my heart and soul and my truth and my light. And again. this is as if to be kept with a holy and humbled attitude; as if to be as divine as the Son of Man or The Father, himself in the Kingdom of Heaven . . .
This is my body. Take this.
This is my brand which is special and unique. There is no one else in the universe like me. And so, there is love in the universe that can match me.

I know this.
I believe that love can outlast the afterlife. In fact, not even death can stop love nor can dying stop what love brings.
Not even time can stop true love. Nothing can.
In its truest nature and to its core, love is and always will be stronger than steel.
Love is stronger than either of us.
I know this now.
I am thinking of the helpless nature of a man who told me about his wife and what’s happening. This was yesterday.
I am thinking about the need to yell and scream and the wish to break free from all of this shit. Yet, at no point has this person quit. So, once more, I say out lout FUCK YOU cancer.
No, the strength of his love is stronger than steel, faster than the speed of light and bigger than the universe because the might of this man’s love is the reason that his wife is going to beat stage 3 cancer.
I’m sure of it.

Love is not always healthy. Sometimes, love is sick.
Love can be plagued with names like cancer. And when cancer hits, love grows stronger. Love fights back. Love can never grow weak.
And it never does.

Love is the reason why people sit next to their loved ones in the hospital and like it’s been said by others and even in movies, the term “visiting hours” do not apply.

I am the best imperfect person I can be.
As I grow and as I march through these pathways and look to find my way, and as I evolve or as I mentioned to you yesterday; as I look to prepare the seat beside me, I know that my intentions are bold and that my heart is strong. However, I know that my improvements are necessary because when (or if) the time comes and the seat beside me is filled; then I want to be strong enough to hold my love no matter what comes my way.
I want to be like Brian. I want to be like Chris. I want to be more like my Big Brother. Yet, I want to be more like me.
I mean this as in the real me because deep beneath the layers of life and life’s experience and the biases that tend to grow over the years, when my love comes to me and when (or if) her hands clasp with mine, I want my love to be so big and so strong that not even cancer would dare to step in front of me.

I will never be who I was again.
Then again, no one will ever be who they were.
We all change. We all grow. But love . . .
Love is the most beautiful, amazing and daring thing in this world. There are no guarantees. There’s no do-overs yet . . .
I’m pushing a button for myself. I am calling this out to the world and to the galaxy and to the universe. I’m giving myself a do-over.
The trips on my bucket list are tiny pilgrimages to places that I have never seen before. But yes, I’ve written about them in such detail that one might think I’ve been there. But no.
Only my heart has seen these sights (in my dreams).
This is my heaven and I quote, “If this were not true, would I tell you that I go there to prepare a place for you?”

When I am fortunate to sit beside my queen and have this be my “forever,” I will note this here as a dedication but also with my head bowed and with humble loyalty, deep in prayer – no matter what comes or what happens, I will take her for richer or for poorer, in good times and bad, in sickness and in good health because this is what love is. 

I know this now.
And if this were not true, would I record this and out myself as a man in need or as someone who looks to improve?
I just want to be better . . .
NO –
I just want to be pure

Dear Brian and Chris –

Thank you for showing me your life. And thank you for showing me how big and strong love is.

My eyes are open now. My heart is in need of strength and exercise but I am not broken nor so broken that I cannot get back up to fight more, or to fight until the end of time.

This is how I have to be because when the time comes, I want to be there for the love of my life so she can hold my hand and know that everything about me is true. And therefore, everything about us is true.

I am usually not a person who uses names in my journals,
so, please forgive me.
But this is too big and too inspiring not to share.

I love you both.

Thank you.
My love and I appreciate you