Notes from the Neighborhood – More About the Trip

I was asked about my writing the other day. . .
I was asked, “What do you write about?” 

Is this self-help? I was asked if this is about mental health or if this is simple prose and to me, I can say that maybe my writing is all of the above. Maybe it’s none of the above.
Maybe it would be best to describe this as self-exploratory and, for the moment, my writing is nothing more than a stream of honest thoughts and ideas, assumptions and views or visions for my future. I can say that yes, maybe I am a prose writer. Maybe I am unconventional or “raw” or untrained and maybe it’s true that my style and my choice of topics are not for everyone.
And, so?

As for this journal and the entries behind me and the ones ahead, these are my notes. These are honest accounts from a time which began with a split and a divorce. This is an honest account of faults and flaws. At the same time; this is about a man’s journey and his will to love. Or, namely me, and namely my will to live.

My prose and my entries are my only antidote. This is my antidepressant. These words are my mood stabilizers. Even better, there are no side-effects from this medication. In fact, the effects are quite the opposite of something from the pharmaceutical world that would help in some ways but otherwise, the side-effects of antidepressants and mood stabilizers can leave a man limp or “incapable,” if you know what I mean.

I need more than a drug or a dose of antidepressants.
I need more than an hour with a therapist or something like that because like you or anyone else in this world, I have life happening to me on a constant basis.
Yes, it’s easy to get lost. It’s easy to be down on yourself. It’s easy to lose hope and it’s easy to “want” to quit.

But there’s more out there. There’s more to life and more to see.
Thus, In spite of what we see at times or in spite of the news or the downfall of our so-called society, there are good people in this world. There are beautiful people. Perhaps this is what I write about – beauty or maybe I write about the absence thereof. 

How do you forget the warmth of someone’s touch?
How do you let go of a dream? How do you let go of a life which is the only life that you’ve ever known? How do you find the bravery to step away from your fears or how does one break free from their comfort zone?

That’s what I write about.
I write both openly and honestly. I write about life. I write about the absence of life due to the experience that comes with the lack of living. And more, I write about the world around me, which is limited and subjective. Yes, I understand.
However, my aim is to write in spite of stigmas and in spite of the comfort levels of the reader because, quite honestly, I write because of you.

You have become my hope.
You have become my light and my way.
And I’m grateful for this.
I am not here to impress anyone  – except for you.
I am not here to reach anyone – except for you.
I have been around my small world a thousand times and each time, I find something new which is why I come here before the dawn of every morning.
I come here to sit with you because I want to reach you before anyone else does.
I want to let you know something –

You are the most perfect thing in the world to me.
You are absolutely incredible.
And so is the tension (sometimes).

But this right here, this entry and the journals behind me and the ones ahead of me are all to bring one thing to light.
Life is meant to be lived.
Life is not meant to simply exist.
No, there’s more to life than a job or a place to live and rest our head.
People can live anywhere but the concept of home is more to me than a place to rest your head.

There’s so much to see. This is what I’ve come to tell you.
And it’s true. The world is a beautiful and an amazing place. Life is amazing although, I’m sure that by now, it’s fair to say that we forget this sometimes.
Or maybe we take too much for granted. Maybe we think too much. Maybe we make our own tragedies and we dig our own pitfalls to trip us up when we need to break free.
It’s amazing by the way, the things that happen when we make a decision (and stick to it).
Maybe our misperception of life or the misconceptions of how we should live is what gets in the way and causes us to miss out on the good things.
(Or should I say, this is what blinds us to the best things, like waking up at The Mandarin, Miami Beach, to a beautiful sunrise.)
I can see how this is true.
Maybe our blinders come from our own hysteria but still, it’s true.
The world is a beautiful place and you are a beautiful person.

Love is real, at least our love is yet, our insecurities are beyond measure. Our fears are beyond comprehension and our worries about our safety are beyond comparison.
But why?

I am not too shy to admit that my experiences are limited. My views are limited as well. I am not young by any means but I am not so old or experienced that I know what to do with this.
No, I am a child. I am a child in a sense that here I am, in this world, and hoping to find my way. But I am lost and like a child who fears the monsters beneath the bed, I am unsure if anything or anyone can protect me now, which is why I have to stand up now. I am afraid to be where I am and, at the same time; I have no choice on where I am now, which is here.
(with you)
I have to stand and be counted.
I have to make a difference to both you and myself because after all, as distant as we may be; I am you and you are me and we are one and the same.
We always have been.
I know this now. Deep down – so do you.

I know there’s a great big world out there. But fear has limited me from seeing so many things. 
I know there are places to go and people to see. However, I never looked to take a chance and explore or dare the lines of my comfortability.
I know this.
I know there are places that I should visit.
And I will.
One place at a time.
Even the simple places like Vegas or the 7-mile bridge are on this list.
Whether I go alone or with you by my side – no matter what, I’m going because this will season me and add flavor to my life.
But also, each item that I cross from my bucket list will be an item that removes a level of my depressive thinking and enforce my better attitude. 

I am doing this because of an understanding that while I am worthwhile, I have to build my “worthwhile-ness” to regain and improve and exceed my previous confidence because, put simply, I want to be my best.

I have been telling you about my bucket list nd for now, I am going at this alone.
For now, I’m learning to escape myself. This is me stepping away from my comfort zone but also, this is my way of acknowledging the truth which is that I can no longer negotiate or compromise the fact that time is always moving and I have refrained from living for far too long.

My life is moving and I am not getting younger.
I know this.
However, I have traded my time for a lesser value before and the fit was not right.
So, whether the events from my past are the reasons that triggered my approach or the recent fiascos led me to where I am now is irrelevant.
I don’t care anymore.
I came to a new level of awareness.
I can see . . .
I had to do something. I had to make a change.
And I did.
I had to act. And I have.
I had to tell my fears to “go shit in their hats” because otherwise, I will be stuck again. Otherwise, I will remain stagnant and to be honest, the world is too big and beautiful for me to be stuck or stagnant. 

So, I have plans. . . .
I have this trip coming which is good and big and at the same time, this trip is bigger than me. Although, before I go on with this, I do admit to this fantasy which I may or may not have told you about.
There I am, walking towards the gate and there she is, my love, waiting for me – yellow dress, hair tied back, earrings that reminded me of a Navajo Princess and a glow about her that is unlike anything I have ever seen before.

(God, she is so beautiful.)

This trip has more meaning than just a trip to go somewhere.
I am two weeks away from an overnight adventure that will take me to the southwest, down Albuquerque way. I’ll go there and then hop in my little “hooptie” or a rental car.
I’ll drive and I’ll make my way to a place which has been “a thing” for me for a long time now.

There’s a church there. It’s been said that there are healing powers there. There’s something in the dirt and whether this is true or not remains to be seen.
However, I have some dirt to collect. I have a few little bottles to fill.
I have a message in a bottle that I need to deliver. 

Yet –
There’s more.
I suppose this trip is to cleanse my soul. Or, maybe this is to free my soul and to relieve myself from the burdens of doubt.
But the truth is I know more about love now.
I know more than ever before.
I know more about love now that I’ve lost my love than I did before when I had her completely.
This is also to allow myself the experience because in the past, I know what it’s like to wish for something but not do anything.
This is what’s led me up to here and now and the fiascos, which I have to deal with.
This is why I am standing up to be counted.
I know what it’s like to watch as life passes me by.
There are times when I wished I had pulled the trigger and took a chance – only I didn’t.
I paused or I was too scared to engage or like a coward, I turned inwards and let my life slip away. This happened with my love as well and now here I am, partially loveless – and waiting.

I wasted decades. I wasted so much of my life. And now, yes, it’s true.
I don’t want to waste another moment. I don’t want to live a lie.
I don’t want to give myself away or share myself with someone other than who my destiny belongs to.
I don’t want a replacement. I don’t want a substitute.
I want the real thing. And even if I am alone (and stay alone) then so be it because I’ll be damned if I give myself away and go another day without being true to myself.

So?

Rather than live with the regret of not knowing, I’m moving now.
I am growing. I am going forward.
But more, I am responding to my dreams with actions.
It’s not so bad . . .
It’s not so humbling. It’s not like anyone notices but still, I have social and personal anxieties and yes – I’m alone and to me, the perception of my loneliness is equated to another failure.
That’s right. In my head, I believe that I have failed myself and you.
At least, these are the thoughts that come to mind, which are irrational. I grant you.

Then again, no one is fit to judge me.
Then again, we live in a finger-pointing world.
So let me begin by pointing inward – and take responsibility for my actions and remain accountable for what needs to happen next.
However and back to my anxiety, I used to think my appearance was everything. And goddammit, my insecurities used to be so crippling. They still are . . .

My connection to failure or at least my connection to the ideas of failure and shame are crippling to me.
Here’s an example:
My younger days were brutal. I remember the nights in the City. I remember my angst and the anxieties on how to act or what to wear. 
I can remember trying on an outfit, changing, and then trying on another outfit.
I’d dress and undress myself at least a dozen times. Eventually, I went back to my first choice which is what I had on to begin with. I can remember looking in the mirror and noticing the expression on my face. 

Now, to be clear, I am not a photo guy.
I don’t have a lot of pictures of myself. I don’t like to pose for pictures.
I certainly don’t like the way I look in pictures. 

At the same time, there are pictures of me that are out there in the world. Sometimes an old photo comes up and people share this without knowing or understanding my discomfort.
And here’s why . . .
I can tell by the look in my eyes or the expression on my face. I can tell whether I was anxious or if my depression was thick and heavy at the time. I can tell if my ideation was self-harming or tragic.
This is another reason why I don’t like pictures . . .
or why it’s always been uncomfortable to see myself in the mirror.

I never liked the “Say cheese” moments of pictures or the fake smiles.
Yet, I have a picture of you in my head – and it’s perfect.
I used to live in accordance with this kind of mindset.
What has this done for me?
How has this helped me?

No one ever asks for this. No one asks to be alone or to believe that they are unlovable or somehow flawed. But I’m not flawed,
I’m just me.

I am taking on a new challenge which is intimidating yet, I am welcoming this next phase because I have no other choice. The world is too beautiful and time is too short.
I am going to fly to New Mexico.

Maine is another trip.
Then there’s the cross-country train ride, which is not inexpensive by any means, but to me, this is well worth the price of admission.

I don’t know if I will ever have the chance to sit on the shores of the Amalfi Coast.
I might not see Baja California any time soon.
But I know that I’m in a position that refuses to wait for life to happen to me.
So, I’m going to live.
Alone or not. If my love surprises me at the gate one day and says, “See, I told you I’d work it out,” no matter what, I’m leaving on a jet plane.
I’m going to a place called El Santuario de Chimayo.
the church . . .

Over 300,000 people make a pilgrimage to this church each year because of its healing powers.
I don’t know if this is real or not.
I don’t know about you, but I could use some healing powers right about now.
I’m sure you could too

No?