Do I have needs?
Sure, I have needs.
I have them every day. I have thoughts and visions.
I have wants and desires and, of course, I have requests and ideas. At the same time, I have the ability to understand that my needs and desires are special.
Therefore, they can only be shared with someone special. Else they’ll only be shallow or unfulfilled and the love I have would only be left wanting and so would be my love – unsatisfied.
I am a wave of sensuous dreams. I am my heart.
I am passionate and I am the picture of the blossomed sun, bursting into the atmosphere of morning to take over the scene.
And she –
Well, she is my heaven.
She is the horizon who accepts me like the yolk of a new day’s sun, which blooms and grows in the palm of Mother Earth’s hand.
Her touch is like the wind through my hair, soft and gentle, welcomed and enlightening.
This is my love and my heart, my life, my everything and my forever.
I am not too far away from my dream, which is not to say that I am not in my dream’s embrace.
This is not to say that my dream has arrived to embrace me as well.
However, I know that my dream is both real and enticing.
I know that she is the embodiment of what I want.
She embodies my desire. She is like the sea which is unfathomable and mysterious; yet, once I know her, as if to say knowing is loving; I know that she will show me everything, including her secrets, which no one else can know.
And she . . .
She knows me too.
She knows how to get me going, so-to-speak, or make me weak
(and give in).
I submit to her the same way the sky submits to the moon after nightfall.
It is here, after nightfall, when the stars take over the sky and the wonderous concepts of the world, high above the constructs of Heaven, act as witnesses that twinkle in the eyes of distant galaxies who watch over us, or so it seems.
I know there is something cosmic about this.
About us.
There’s something undeniable about this.
And us.
I know that there are constant reminders no matter where I go.
I think we call them signs. Yes, that’s it.
And yes, I see signs.
I call them my little mementos of awareness.
I see them as Mother Earth’s and Father Time’s theater of directional influence; hence, while I know I cannot do anything about yesterday or last week, and while I know I certainly cannot change the decades behind me; at this point, all I want to do is change the future.
I want to change my direction.
I want to change the record and influence the millennials ahead of me. However, the only way I can do this is by placing myself on the list of the universe, and by signing my name here (next to hers) as a man in love.
So as a man in love, I would have to be true to this love.
I understand that love like this cannot come from anywhere.
No, this love is specific.
This love is intended.
It is natural and unstoppable.
It cannot be changed, forced nor coerced.
I want my love to be this way and should it be this way, then it could only happen if I understand the rules of engagement which are as follows:
I cannot give in.
I cannot quit.
I cannot share myself in such a way that would either cheapen or destroy my love.
I cannot hold back.
I cannot allow pride or ego or fear to either disrupt or destroy my truth.
I cannot lie or be misleading or untruthful to myself or my best interests; but even more, I cannot lie about my love nor to my love.
No . . .
This would only serve to degrade my love, to which she would eventually become loveless – and to me,
that’s the last thing I want her to be.
I have to hold tight.
I have to endure.
I have to understand that while the past is only the past; still, the past has led me to where I am now.
Meanwhile, I cannot be responsible for things that are behind me.
I am accountable for my actions. I am accountable for my previous choices.
I am accountable for what I do from here on in.
I think in essence, I have to follow the thoughts of Henry David Thoreau when he wrote, “What I have to do is to see, at any rate, that I do not lend myself to the wrongs which I condemn” and rather than follow Thoreau’s point or the mind of his Civil Disobedience, what I must do now, at any rate, is see that I do not lend myself in such a way that would either poison or destroy my truth.
I will never be the person who I’ve condemned but instead, I will be ongoing, growing, evolving, and more, I will in love (at last) and wholehearted with everything I do going forward.
It is something to note that life is energy; therefore, love is an energy as well because, above all things, love is alive and breathing and well and doing fine.
It is also worthy to note that it has been said by Albert Einstein that energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms. Hence, this means life can never die.
Therefore, this means my love can never die as well.
And –
If it is up to me, I know my love will never die.
If it is up to me, I know that my love will grow and expand and seep through the cracks of everywhere. Yet, as soft and as gentle, my love has more passion than can be contained by a word.
Or, as it has been written by other great poets, my love is so great that she can leave shadows on the sun.
And she can.
To me, she could melt the sun because my love is stronger than the source of light.
And should this be up to me, then it is up to me to wait and watch and when she comes to me, it is up to me to endure and to overcome. As I adapt to adjust my life to meet her, I know that my love is more than untainted. I know that this is beyond pure because my love is energy; and hence, my energy can neither be created nor destroyed – I can only transform
(for the better).
If it is up to me, which it is, then it is up to me to understand where and when to share myself.
I explain this because when the time comes and wherever this may be, when my love comes through the door –
it’s on . . .
I have dreams. Yes.
I have desires too. Of course, I do.
I have wants and needs and fantasies and desires.
I have an outstretched extension from body, waiting for her to come to life in such a way.
I have a need.
I have all the blood rushing through my body in such a way that I cannot deny her nor would I ever deny her anyway.
Why would I?
Sure, I love the feel of her.
I love the way she lays next to me.
I love the idea of my arms wrapped around her, caressed, held tightly, and from here until beyond the millennials ahead of me; my love for her will never die.
I believe this is why we call us, “Unstoppable.”
My love for her is more than the typical or usual.
But more, my love for her is tempting, wild and free, and rather than the usual or missionary, my love takes place in all shapes and forms and in different positions.
My love goes wile in different places, risky as ever, crazy as can be and above all else, the heat I feel for my love can melt the sun –
and then some.
I want her . . .
More than I want the sun to shine or the moon to take its place on the center stage at night.
More than I want to view the stars and wonder if she is looking up at the same time or seeing the same thing.
More than I want to be satisfied with the desires of the flesh.
More than I want to desire her more – and I emphasize more when I say this with regards to my desire . . .
More than the feelings of orgasmic relief and more than the morning after and more than waking up with my love in my arms, I want to be both true and loyal to my love.
I want to be true to this because otherwise, my love will again by missed and so will I, without her.
I have decided that I am coming to a close with this journal. But nothing is ending.
I will be ending this journal shortly. However, my next project will define my next steps and hopefully, I will find a way to cross the items from my bucket list – so I can be better.
At the same time, I will find my “ride or die” and I will find my co-pilot to co-navigate our way around the sun, both infinitely and ongoing because our life and our love is energy –
and like I said, our love can never die.
And in that case – neither can we
Understand?
The Written Addiction 