Today’s entry will be short but only because time is being short with me. So, without any distractions, let’s get right down to the point.
Shall we?
It’s not just here and now. It’s not just with you or with the way things are.
This is me. Evolving and hopefully working out the kinks in my brand new trick.
This is all I have, which is in my hands and extended out to you as a humble means, as if to say please, take this from me.
This is all that I am.
This is everything that I have, folded up and compartmentalized into a tiny envelope.
So please, be careful.
I have had no luck throughout my life. Then I realized something extremely valuable.
To hell with luck. To hell with fate and to hell with fortune.
I have this.
This is my heart.
I have been trying to find the words and the time to resolve the past but let’s be very clear, we both know the past is always there.
We both know the past will always stop by for an unwanted visit. Yet, I have to say that the past is not always a bad thing.
I can say that as much as I’ve hurt, I have seen the greatest things happen, right before my eyes.
I have undergone changes. I have fallen down. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been kicked when I was down and sure, I know all about regret.
In fact, regret and I sit down often just to talk about old times, for old time’s sake.
I know about shame because shame likes to come to these lunches too, just to remind me of things like the hurtful details of days gone by.
And guilt? Well, of course, guilt and blame, we go back a long way.
But so do we, as in you and I.
I have never seen myself through to fruition. I have never allowed myself to execute and move beyond the barriers of my own limitations.
I know that I’ve always wanted to achieve great things. Yet, this is where doubt comes to the table.
This is where my cognitive past comes along and reminds me of all the predictions that said I’d never make it or that I could never be great at anything.
Or at least I could never be great at anything other than to be something terrible.
These notes of mine are more of a solidifying way to say that yes, I have done wrong.
Yes, my past is not clear nor clean. And of course, I have sins and secrets.
Don’t you?
I have things that would otherwise determine that I am not who I say I am which is faulty and untrue.
However, there is a line between logic and emotion. While intellectually I can understand that none of my inaccurate past is true, the emotional brain is frightened like a child about to lose the only safety and security that makes sense to him.
I am not perfect by any means. However, I am consistent with who I am.
(At least I am with you.)
I know all about my past and so do you.
This is why I’ve come here to tell you about me because I want you to know.
I know what I have done to either occupy my time or to fulfill my loneliness.
I know what I’ve done to fill the voids of my empty neediness.
I know all about this. In fact, so do you because you are the only person I told this to.
But still –
I have mountains to climb and valleys to get out of.
I have obstacles to overcome and problems that I need to turn into possibilities.
I have plans and hopes and dreams which I refuse to let go of.
However, and I mean this with all of my heart, I have nothing if I don’t have you.
You are all that I’ve wanted and all that I’ve needed. Yes, in my past, I have neglected myself in such a way that I was untrue to me which means that I was untrue to anyone and everyone else.
Including you, my most valuable heart.
And yes. So what?
I will expose this.
I’m weak. I admit it.
But I’m not weak now.
If I was so weak then I would not have come to tell you that I love you.
If I was so weak, then I would not expose myself like this before all the world.
If I were so weak, then I would not fold up everything I have and package this, just to hand it over and surrender myself to you, humbly as I can be, in love, heartfelt, and hoping for the happily ever after to come my way – forever and start right now.
It is not within me to quit, at least not any more.
I used to quit and dream. Now I dream and I have no reason to quit because of this –
You own me.
You are my life.
You are all that I’ve ever hoped for and with that being said – please, let me just leave this here.
The banter in our heads is not rational. The thoughts we have that feed our fears are not helpful either.
But rational or not, afraid or not, hurt or not,
I have my heels dug in because the last thing that I will ever do again is backslide and give up my dreams.
I have learned what happens to our dreams deferred.
It is cold and sad and lonely and dark.
You are my light. You are my hope.
No one comes with these things except for you
No matter what – I am standing my ground
From this point onward, weak or strong . . .
I will never let go of this because (and here’s the truth)
I’ve seen what happens when I went against my heart before
It doesn’t work
So…
It’s time to make the rest of my life work
For the both of us
Ongoing, as in forever-
The Written Addiction 