Notes from the Neighborhood – Rainy Day

It is early morning and the sky is about to rain. And that’s fine.
I tend to think that the sky can often be in tune with our thoughts and our feelings. For example, sometimes we need a little rain. Sometimes we need something to settle the dust from our crazy little arguments and calm us down with the quiet hush of a gray sky, raindrops hitting the roof and the wind moving through the trees outside.

To be honest, I feel this way now.
I can see how the rain and the clouds allow us a moment of perfect melancholy, which is okay.
No really, it is.

So, this is it . . .
Today, early, tired and my thoughts are drifting and wandering around to leave me considering the different concepts of whether or not anything was real or true –
or valid.
It is no difference to me. This moment or the last. It is of no consequence that I find myself here again, alone but rightfully so, and sitting down to see if we can reach one another.
I have created this place in my mind to do just that.
And nothing can change this.

I am in the middle of my impasse and at the crossroads of the unknown and unexpected.
It is here, as in right here and now, where decision takes place. Either that lor this is where indecision drives us crazy because of the attitudes between us. 

I am in this now. And while there is no turning back, nor do I want to turn back – not even if I could.
Safe to say, there’s no way to erase what we’ve said or done nor is there a way to wipe away the existence of our truth; yet still, there is only the movement of going forward which I am not opposed to because momentum can create change and change can improve healing, which is a benefit to us all.

I have set myself up in this small place, which I have come to call my apartment. I have new clothes because of my physical transformation and weight loss but also, I want to dress well so that I can feel well. Yes, I do believe that the two go hand-in-hand – dress well, feel well.
Dress poorly . . . and the gossip queens have more fat to chew.
I have new sheets for my new bed and a few new comforters to keep my place energized with a spirit of internal care.
I’m doing what I can on this side of the bridge because regardless of my options, I understand that I have to take care of my side –
the other side has nothing to do with me.

I admit that change is uncomfortable. I admit that the unwanted changes that take place are enough to cause us to slip from our normal patterns. I can say that oftentimes, these challenges which arise from an emotional spectrum are enough to sabotage or ruin our daily interactions. Or at a minimum, they can ruin a perfectly good walk at an otherwise, upbeat moment.

My understanding, which is perhaps minimal at times, yet deep down, I know I understand everything; however, there are times when my frustration can alter my best potential.
There are times when my emotional thinking can interrupt my strategies and thus, I find myself operating in the rears or falling behind because my worries cause me to panic. Then my panic causes missteps and missteps cause me to misspeak and then boom – this leads me to the freak-outs and the freak-outs cause useless, meaningless and unintended arguments.

I wish I had a button that I could push –
But I don’t.

I wish there was a way to recall the last few months or even the last few years. But there’s not.
I wish I could right the wrongs and distract the inconsistencies so that I could be “back on track,” so-to-speak and finally, I wish we could remove the emotional nonsense to build the bridge instead of walls.

But –
Fate is fate.
Hope is hope.
Destiny is destiny

And me?
I am tempted to scream. I am tempted to cry.

But I won’t give up – at least not my hope.
I am tempted to weep and respond yet the better half of me knows that where I am is only true for the moment.

This is true –
I am here now.
I am not where I want to be
However, this does not mean things cannot or will not change.
I have refused to give up on certain dreams and at the same time, I recognize that much of this is out of my control
(especially now).

There is no reason to find fault or to point fingers or to locate blame and fight back.
My fights have led me to where I am now, which is not where I want to be
(at the moment).

I am comforted to know that while love is not what I thought it would be (or believed it could be) at the same time, I have no reason to resent this nor is there a reason to decipher whether anything is true or untrue.
I know what’s true to me.

It is of no consequence now – not to me or to you. 

It is not my intention to anger the love gods but yes, I am starving for love.
It is not my intention to overthink or literally question everything with a self-destructive mindset. However, stress is a killer. Loneliness can make us crazy and me – am I lonely?
Yes, I am.
Am I crazy?
Absolutely!
But maybe that’s not such a bad thing.

I miss so much.
I experienced a lot of loss in such a short time and at the same time, the one thing I can say is well – at least I know where I stand.
But to be clear, I have no room for enemies in my life.
I have no time to lose valuable friendships. If anything changes, then something changes and I’m fine with this. 
But for now, my connection is as unending with you as it always has been.
I am not losing you by any means. Only, things have shifted.
I understand this, which is okay, because I know a very special person who once told me, “I don’t believe in never.”
So, then neither will I – at least not with this (or us).
It is raining – but I know that the sun returns.
And who knows what tomorrow brings?

We could all shake our head and laugh and say you know what?
Isn’t this crazy?
And just like that, the rest of our lives can start right away, just like in the movies.

I can say that I have seen the eyes of beauty and this is the most beautiful sight in the world.
I can say that I have intimately moaned the most beautiful woman’s name.
I can say that I have seen the sunrise and the sunset in the company of the most incredible companion.
I can say that whether life changes or we change or if decisions correct themselves and our course towards happily ever after decides to groove once more, nothing can take away the fact that I have experienced love from the most amazing person in this world, which is not to say that love is dead or gone or over – no. Love is energy.
Since energy can neither be created or destroyed, my love will never die – and to me, neither will my dream
(and neither will she).

Before I go and deal with my day –
The mind is always searching for comfort. Yet in this search, our mind’s can be caught up by the fears of items and chances that can either destroy or take away our comfort.

I like comfort too – although, to be fair, I am uncomfortable.
But this is not permanent.
No, this is only temporary.

So –
I have to give my mind something to feed on.
I have to give myself new projects to create positive actions to act as a replacement for troubled or negative thinking. 

I have to keep giving myself work –
Like these journals.
Like my Saturday morning stews, which are ongoing and so far, none of my stews have been disappointing. 

I tried something a little different last night. Since my schedule changed, I had to change my Saturday morning approach which means I placed my stew in the crock-pot last night . . .
I used medium barley and some carrots, some chopped onion and some cloves of garlic. I put in a can of diced tomatoes and a few cups of beef broth. I added some yellow potatoes, cut up and a few turnips, which I cut in slices. 
I browned some chunks of veal stew and chopped meat. I browned the meat with some crushed garlic, olive oil, butter and red wine then poured all the meat and the juices from the pan into the crock pot.
I added some spices like white pepper, some garlic powder, salt, and a little cinnamon to add an autumnal vibe or seasonal flavor to the dish. 
The apartment smelled amazing this morning . . .

I am alone for now. And the rain is on its way.
I might not have people around me – or at least the only person I want around me but, at least I gave myself something to do.
At least I’m not living the way I was . . .
At least I’ll have a good meal. At least I can sit and write and feel and think and yes, although I would rather me life be different from the way it is now, these are the contents of my new life as it stands for now.

For now, I will allow Mother Earth to wash the land with her rainfall.
I’ll listen for the raindrops on the roof and ask the love gods to take me to my queen
(so I can love her and have her back).

But for now – the day is gaining momentum.
And so am I because around this time next week, I will be in the air and on my way to a place that brings healing –
Chimayo

That’s where I’m going.
Alone. But that’s fine..
At least I’m not loveless.
While the moment is where its at, at least I know that somehow, my heart and my love will overcome what’s taken place because no matter where we go – 
You and I both know that we are and always have been undeniable.
I know what’s meant to happen. I believe it – even if right now is unclear –
The only clear thought in my head is I know the world will turn itself around for us.
It has to . . .
To many signs point me this way for this to be an accident
(or a mistake)
It’s going to rain today

But I don’t mind.
I don’t think you do either
Besides, it’s a good day to play music, clean what needs to be cleaned and when all else fails . . .
look for the signs which tell us that our hearts have always been true.