Its time to understand and redefine this. But more, it’s time to come to an understanding that as I evolve, I have to allow myself the permission to evolve as well.
But first, I have to allow myself the honest realization that yes . . .
Life is crazy.
It is crazy though. Isn’t it?
Life.
It’s beautiful. It’s wild and inspiring yet, there are times when we are at a crossroad or we have to face a challenge. There are times when life is sad.
Life can be tragic, lonely and symptomatic of problems that root beneath our conscious self. By the way, this is the hysterical blindness that causes a failure to see and this is the weed within our hearts that devours the roots of our fruits which need to blossom.
There are times when we are in the middle of a crowd or with friends or loved ones or so-called lovers yet as connected as we may be to these people by title or by an agreed connection, there are moments when we are disconnected and alone, regardless of who sits, stands or walks beside us.
This is the shallow end of the pool. This is where the depths are thin but the murkiness and the worries of the unseen items that could trip us or cause us to slip and fall are enough to make us turn around and run for safety.
It’s crazy.
Life is.
And love?
Love is the craziest item of them all. This is brave and beautiful, lifesaving and life changing. Love is altering our perception and our viewpoint and without any question and beyond any shadow of a doubt, love is the most daring item on our private list. At times, love can be the most unrewarding creation in our minds.
I wish this were a perfect world. But no, this is far from a perfect world because in a perfect world, no one would ever say anything mean-spirited. No one would ever fight. No one would ever misunderstand or misinterpret our thoughts or feelings and, of course, there would be no such thing as rejection. There would be no fear because there would be nothing to fear – in a perfect world.
However, this world comes with faults and flaws.
We come with them too.
We have fears. We have worries. We have an emotional mindset that can lose its grip and then we find ourselves responding to a thought or a worry that is either untrue, assumed or, in most cases, we are responding and reacting to a biased opinion that is either inaccurate or worse, destructive and devastating to our life’s desires.
I get this.
I see this in myself.
I can see how the worst fears and my biggest insecurities have either broken my heart or betrayed my best interests.
I can also see how my thinking became my limitations. In other words, I can see how my thinking became my worst enemy.
What is life anyway?
A series of times and memories?
Is life this cosmic journey, which I think it is, but what is the meaning of our journey?
What’s the point?
What happens at the end? Is this the meaning which they call the carrot in front of the horse?
Is this what urges us to move forward?
Maybe that’s it. . .
We’re looking for the reward.
Or, if nothing else, maybe we want to honor the reward system in our brain.
But like the saying goes – no risk, no reward.
So, I’m here to take a risk.
The biggest of them all . . .
Still, I wonder what motivates us . . .
What goes down when we cross over into the golden rainbow?
Is that it?
What happens when we come to an ultimate finish and pass through the gates to enter the Maker’s Kingdom?
Are we here to get our merit badge and a pat on the head or a cookie at the end of the day?
Or, is this all hope and a need to believe in something grand?
This way, and if for no other reason, we can believe that yes, we have a purpose.
We have a reason.
We have something unfinished that needs to be unearthed, built, blossomed and brought to life.
There’s a connection out there. I believe in this . . .
I call this love.
Love – this is crazy too.
In a perfect world, there would be no breakups. I would’ve never freaked out or been so hurt or so angry or so afraid and terrified that my worst fears of “being alone” would come true. That my behaviors created a bias and perpetuated my worst fears from a subconscious nature.
I can say I’m sorry for this.
I can apologize, which I have.
And I am – but still, life is happening, live and in-person.
In a perfect world, there would be no betrayal nor would there be the assumption that I will be hurt or abandoned or essentially alone.
I have been documenting my days since entering into a a newly lonesome but hopeful journey. I have detailed my hopes and my dreams. I have shown you the love in my heart. I have exposed my deepest urges and desires and intimately, I have defined and described my ideas when it comes to pleasures of the flesh. And ah, I hold these ideas sacred and beautifully, I invite my thoughts when I need them most because in light of all dark things – I know that she is the brilliant truth who holds the key to my universe.
Life is risk . . .
So is love.
So is hate.
So are the wasted moments of suspected or expected battles that do not need to take place.
Life is a risky business.
Everything is either a risk or a gamble yet everything we do and everything we desire or hope for and try to achieve is done as a brave risk, which is otherwise known as a leap of faith.
Faith is food.
Love does not survive without faith or belief.
I know this.
I know this because I am seeing what happens when love dies because of starvation.
I have seen what goes down when past occurrences and actions of mine have either poisoned or destroyed my best interests.
But yes, this is out of my hands now.
I can see where my past has ruined my best potential and although the past is gone and yesterday is behind me, I am still accountable for my actions. Therefore, all I can do is pick myself up and either build or rebuild my life, one brick at a time.
I can dismantle the walls and build bridges to a new existence.
I can repair myself to the best of my ability.
However, I have to understand that all else is out of my control.
See, in a perfect world, none of this would be necessary.
But this is not a perfect world and me?
I am far from perfect.
I have manipulated. I’ve lied. I’ve tried to save my face to keep my comforts.
But ah, the saying is true
You can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.
I admit it then.
I admit to every wrong that I have done.
I expose my imperfections. I forfeit my sins because they have done nothing for me.
I surrender with a full heart because the fights I led myself towards were nothing more than unnecessary battles that led to the collateral damages of beautiful hearts that were hurt by me.
Yes, I did this.
I expose this too.
Otherwise, I’ll never cast this out of my system.
I have been selfish. And to what avail?
Well, I am alone which is only training to be comfortable to be without company – namely my love and separate from where and who I want to be with.
I am not where I want to be nor am I with the person I want to be with, at least not now. Then again, you already knew that.
Am I capable of this?
Am I ready?
Have I purged my untruths and removed the toxins which put me where I am now?
Therefore, I am in a constant state of awareness now, learning and relearning basic and simple things.
At the same time, I choose to give myself credit.
Yes, life fell apart.
Yes, I failed in so many regards.
But yes, I am still here.
I have not quit.
I did not give in.
I never “left.”
I did not refuse to love again or try again nor have I destroyed my loyalty to the one truth that yes, I have love in my heart.
I acknowledge that my love is faulted and flawed, but equally, my love is beautiful and brave and bigger than the universe
(and it’s all yours).
As I approach this new version of “self,” I find that I have to redefine myself over and over again.
I find that some of my old definitions have been influenced by inaccurate biases and fears that somehow, the faults in my stars will otherwise make me undesirable or worse, this makes me unmatchable and unlovable to you.
I need to move away from these assumptions.
I have to get away from this belief because these are the toxins that poison my best potential.
They also cause me to self-destruct. They lead me to believe in lies and next, these are the causes behind the symptoms of my unwanted behaviors. I know that I am not alone though . . .
This is what leads us to our worries and our fears, our inaccurate versions of “self,” and this is what draws us to the mad assumptions that perhaps something about “me” is simply not enough or wrong.
But this is untrue.
I am enough
Maybe not for everyone
Maybe not for anyone else.
But I am enough.
I have to be.
Otherwise, life is just crazy, love is just tragic and me, I would only succumb to the ideas that I am either not unworthy, unwanted, unloved and unlovable.
I tell you that self-doubt is a killer.
I know because this killed me for most of my life.
But now –
I’m looking to turn the corner.
Something that you would know (or that anyone who knows about me would know) is that I am very familiar with depressive thinking and/or anxiety.
I have lived in accordance with these laws for as long as I can remember.
I can say that I have allowed myself to drown in the swamps of emotional quicksand and yes, I’ve pulled people down with me.
Do you know what this is called?
This is called honesty . . .
I have drowned in the swamps and taken down others who I love and cared for but at the same time, my faults and flaws and fears became a combination that leads to self-destruction.
And for this – I’m sorry.
This is not me being hard on myself.
No, this is just honesty.
However –
I am learning to scrub myself of the emotional irritation which act like leaches or barnacles that would otherwise cover, suck-away or destroy my beauty.
Yes, I want to be beautiful.
Now, more than ever because there are times when your light shows an ugliness about me which I cannot stand.
Maybe you don’t see this,
But I do
I want to be beautiful
I want to feel this down to my core.
I want to know this down to my soul because, although I am not perfect, my ability to see my way through to the other side of depression or my ability to survive myself – or the chances I‘ve taken to expose this to you or the worries I’ve faced and the pains I’ve felt – still, with all I have, I know that my love is perfect.
I know the day I can understand my beauty will be the day that I truly understand my value –
And I am beautiful.
I do have value. And for right now – and for me, this is enough.
It has to be . . .
Otherwise, life just gets crazy.
Understand?
The Written Addiction 