It is amazing to me that I am here now. Then again, where else would I be?
Where else could I be?
I am a firm believer that whatever could have happened, did happen. I believe that we look around and hem and haw or waste time thinking about the ideas of what could have been.
At the same time, all this does is awaken us to an idea that what happened is not what we asked for.
All this does is open our eyes and creates an awareness that we need to make a change. Yes, this is true.
That’s right.
I need to make a change as well.
I go back to the errors of my ways when I made choices to settle instead of be alone. I go back even further to when I was unable to see the truth of my worth.
I go back to the ending of a relationship, which I suppose by law, we could call this a marriage. However, in reality, this relationship was anything but a marriage.
I go back to 2006. However, I could even go back to years before this and further to my early years when I lived with doubt about me and my life.
I think about the ideas and the assumptions of failure and the thoughts that came to mind, which betrayed me to the point of insinuating that something was wrong about me, that I was flawed, or that I suffered from an internal worthlessness which degraded me to say the least. But more, this urged me to believe that something about me was always and forever ruined.
But this is wrong.
I believed that something about my personality was not only flawed but that I was somehow diseased and that rather than see my splits or poor relationships as an opportunity to arise from the ashes of self-destruction, I saw this as a proving point that all the predictions,which I feared the most were true. I submitted myself to catastrophic thinking and sunk into the catastrophized ideas that demonized me or damned me straight to hell.
In fairness –
Hindsight comes with perfect vision.
In fairness – I knew that my lack of loyalty to “self” was both harmful and incriminating.
I knew that I could make a change. I knew there was an exit at the door.
I was afraid though. Petrified.
I lost my way. But this was long before I chose to settle or stay the course of a rotten direction. And I mean this in so many ways. I mean this with my unneeded friendships. I mean this with my poor choices of partners and relationships. I certainly mean this with my choice of life-mates, who were never soulmates, which is what you are to me – my soulmate.
I knew the direction I chose was rotten because I could feel the rot in the ground with every step I took. Yet, I lacked the bravery, the balls, the guts, the fortitude and, more than anything, I lacked the belief that I could stand up tall; or that I could stand up on my own two feet; or that I could choose a different way or that I could refuse to give in or refuse the terms of a deal that was not suitable for my nature, and alas, I could do what was in my heart all along.
I can’t say that I was alone on this mistake. No, I had company. Remember?
You were there too.
As we move into the new season of autumn, I appreciate the coolness and the sudden calmness from the heat.
I appreciate the warmth of a sweater and the seasonal offerings and flavors that come with the autumn months.
It is autumn now, here on Earth.
At least I can say this is so on our side of the globe. Our half of the world is tilting farther from the sun and as we move further from our yesterdays, at last, we move towards another day of hope.
I am coming to the realization (once again) that blame is unhelpful and to go forward, I agree that it is important to understand and appropriately assign accountability to where I’ve been. And this goes both ways.
However, to move forward, I have to move forward, which I am – one page at a time.
I have lived my entire life with bouts of shame or depression. Either that or I’ve struggled with depressive ideas which creates anxiety and anticipatory thinking.
I have lived with a misguided sense of self. As I have chosen to educate myself and to improve, I come to a lesson that I was taught by perhaps the worst of anyone I’ve met in the mental health profession. However, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
With regards to people, places and things or with regards to breakups and divorce or splits and the hard realization that things have to change, improve or end; I understand that sometimes, people are an imperfect fit.
However, and I tell you this with all my heart – I have not gone through this life and all the drama and all the bullshit just to become a stranger to you again.
That being said – there is no fault with us or the breakups behind us.
I was asked by someone who I respect least in this profession, “If I take the key to my front door and place it into the lock of your front door, would it work?
The answer is obviously no – at least I hope it is . . .
The person asked, “Who’s fault is it? The key or the cylinder?
The answer is neither because the answer is the two were not made for each other. They are not a fit. You and I have both seen an unfit world. And no, nothing about the unknown is safe or guaranteed. Nothing comes with a warranty when it comes to life or love or giving it a shot . . .
I know this –
If I am the key, then you are the cylinder, which is perfectly fit and made for me.
I know what the world is like without you.
I know what the nights are like without you.
I know what a hug is like without you.
Admittedly, I know that making love is never going to be making love – without you.
My new journey is about to begin and, as always, I am going to document each and every step.
I plan to make my new life an adventure. I plan to see the world, even if the world I see is only around the block or down the street or in the next town over because of a good place to eat pizza. Then so be it.
If it is up to me, this ride will never end. But I have learned that there’s only so much I can do.
So, if it is up to me, then it is up to me to do all that I can do to be loyal to my truths. Although this is not my first documentation of loss, I have decided and pledged my life is about to change.
I have chosen to open up like this and be honest about myself because my lies have nearly killed me.
I don’t want to die this way.
No, I want to die living.
And I hope that makes sense.
I want to live my best life and for this to happen, no matter what, I have to be loyal to my truths.
The truth is that I was never loyal to this before because I never believed in myself before – So . . .
I need to believe in myself. Otherwise, nothing works and life is only more of the same.
But I want more.
Who doesn’t want more?
I want the “things.” I want to say that I did the dance and I saw the places and tasted the food.
I found a great bowl of soup and the place with the best peach cobbler.
I want to say that I tried everything and left no stone unturned.
I explored and I lived.
I want more for my life but even more, I want to be happy, at peace and in love.
I don’t want to be passionless or without the best kiss in the world or empty and void or vapid and offering nothing.
I want more.
I want it all.
I want the world on a string, the moon and the stars.
I want the dream.
Don’t you?
The Written Addiction 